"Young" is a relative term, I think. My age may not show it, but I've lived a lifetime in a very short amount of years and experienced many things that people one or two decades older than me have not. As I said, I have my reasons and 30 really is the window of opportunity for having babies for me. So, I really don't have that much time. I'd like to hear from those who chose not to wait until they were physically, emotionally and financially "ready." The truth is that I don't know a single person who could honestly say they were really "ready" in any of these aspects for having another child. (Because children bring surprises one could never prepare for--even if they had all the advice and knowledge in the world to turn to). Also, as I've said, finances aren't the issue for me (unlike some other families in HK who have babies based on the figure in their bank account--take the 2006-2007 "baby boom" for example which correlated with some of the biggest IPOs in history). However, there is something to be said for being as healthy physically and emotionally as one can be before childbirth but with me, there can always be improvement in that area--I doubt I'll ever get to the point where I'm like, "Yes, now I am as healthy physically and emotionally as possible....let's have a baby..." I could wait for the rest of my life if I was waiting for that. Also, being healthy does not guarantee a smooth baby experience--as caragn said pregnancy "doesn't agree" with some people. Having said that, I am taking steps to become the healthiest me I can be--not just for the sake of having babies but just because I need/want to do that for me.
But you just went ahead and did it???
- Thread starter thanka2
- Start date
"Young" is a relative term, I think. My age may not show it, but I've lived a lifetime in a very short amount of years and experienced many things that people one or two decades older than me have not. As I said, I have my reasons and 30 really is the window of opportunity for having babies for me. So, I really don't have that much time. I'd like to hear from those who chose not to wait until they were physically, emotionally and financially "ready." The truth is that I don't know a single person who could honestly say they were really "ready" in any of these aspects for having another child. (Because children bring surprises one could never prepare for--even if they had all the advice and knowledge in the world to turn to). Also, as I've said, finances aren't the issue for me (unlike some other families in HK who have babies based on the figure in their bank account--take the 2006-2007 "baby boom" for example which correlated with some of the biggest IPOs in history). However, there is something to be said for being as healthy physically and emotionally as one can be before childbirth but with me, there can always be improvement in that area--I doubt I'll ever get to the point where I'm like, "Yes, now I am as healthy physically and emotionally as possible....let's have a baby..." I could wait for the rest of my life if I was waiting for that. Also, being healthy does not guarantee a smooth baby experience--as caragn said pregnancy "doesn't agree" with some people. Having said that, I am taking steps to become the healthiest me I can be--not just for the sake of having babies but just because I need/want to do that for me.
Interesting thought, Arleneli. Age gaps are really important. I have friends who have brothers and sisters who are a 5+ years older than them and their relationships are not close. My brother, sister and I are exactly 3 years apart (not planned that way but that's the way it happened) and we are all still close and were growing up. Even though my sister and I are 6 years apart, because we had a brother in between us, we still had a sort of "glue" to keep us together as siblings. He's only 3 years older than her and I'm 3 years older than him. So, if I wait until I'm 32 to to have another baby that baby will also be 7 years younger than my son which is a pretty big age gap--maybe not at first but as children get older (one is about to finish primary school when the other is just beginning etc.) it makes for less close friendship just because each child is in a very different stage in life. I also have friends who had their first child at 24 and their second child at 25 and while it was difficult going at first, the children grow up being very, very close. There are arguments for both sides, maybe?
misizlee
Registered User
thanka2,
Thanks for raising this topic! It's currently at the forefront of our minds so I'll share our experience with you.
Our first is 14 months old. He took 18 months to conceive and we always said we'd start trying for #2 when #1 reached 12 months; one of the reasons being in case it took a long time to conceive again. Well we kind of tried these past two months but got nothing. Then we started wondering... There are many advantages to having children close together, there are also many advantages to waiting awhile, many of which are listed above. Should we aim to have #2 now? Should we wait another year? What's the answer??
My answer? I agree there's never a 'perfect' time so perhaps it's time to throw caution to the wind and see what happens. What will be, will be and whenever fate sends us our #2 he/she will be perfect.
With regards to finances, my father-in-law, who is Chinese says when planning a baby not to worry too much about finances because babies bring their own 'milk'.
Erica
Thanks for raising this topic! It's currently at the forefront of our minds so I'll share our experience with you.
Our first is 14 months old. He took 18 months to conceive and we always said we'd start trying for #2 when #1 reached 12 months; one of the reasons being in case it took a long time to conceive again. Well we kind of tried these past two months but got nothing. Then we started wondering... There are many advantages to having children close together, there are also many advantages to waiting awhile, many of which are listed above. Should we aim to have #2 now? Should we wait another year? What's the answer??
My answer? I agree there's never a 'perfect' time so perhaps it's time to throw caution to the wind and see what happens. What will be, will be and whenever fate sends us our #2 he/she will be perfect.
With regards to finances, my father-in-law, who is Chinese says when planning a baby not to worry too much about finances because babies bring their own 'milk'.
Erica
barbwong_130
Registered User
I personally don't think that age gaps matter too much - at least not for the children. They will assume whatever age gap they have is normal, until someone tells them it isn't.
I never thought twice about the fact my sister is eight years older than me or that my brother was only 14 months younger than me until someone at the playgroup I took my kids thought they were strange gaps. (My mother had problems getting pregnant with me and so tried almost at once with my brother and fell straight away.)
Likewise I have four children the first three both have three years, plus or minus a few weeks, between them and the baby of the family is seven years younger. And again they think nothing of the fact there was a late baby or a bigger gap between the last two.
Thus I would always have the age gap that suits the mother and father. It is the parents that have to cope with the babies and toddlers together and later with teenagers together.
I think you'll find as many stories about children born close together who get on well as who don't get on at all and likewise with a large age gap. I got on very well with my sister, much better than with my brother when we were growing up. And my elder two children get on very well with my youngest, much better than how the last two get on. I think personality is more important that age gap.
One nice thing about starting a family at a young age is that if you change your mind and decide you do want more children this is an option - much harder to have a late baby if you have your first at 39.
Thanka2 - as you are so questioning about if now is the right time I'd guess it isn't. But maybe in another six months you'll feel differently - there isn't any hurry you still have loads of time, even before you are thirty.
I never thought twice about the fact my sister is eight years older than me or that my brother was only 14 months younger than me until someone at the playgroup I took my kids thought they were strange gaps. (My mother had problems getting pregnant with me and so tried almost at once with my brother and fell straight away.)
Likewise I have four children the first three both have three years, plus or minus a few weeks, between them and the baby of the family is seven years younger. And again they think nothing of the fact there was a late baby or a bigger gap between the last two.
Thus I would always have the age gap that suits the mother and father. It is the parents that have to cope with the babies and toddlers together and later with teenagers together.
I think you'll find as many stories about children born close together who get on well as who don't get on at all and likewise with a large age gap. I got on very well with my sister, much better than with my brother when we were growing up. And my elder two children get on very well with my youngest, much better than how the last two get on. I think personality is more important that age gap.
One nice thing about starting a family at a young age is that if you change your mind and decide you do want more children this is an option - much harder to have a late baby if you have your first at 39.
Thanka2 - as you are so questioning about if now is the right time I'd guess it isn't. But maybe in another six months you'll feel differently - there isn't any hurry you still have loads of time, even before you are thirty.
But, how can a 14-year-old and a 7-year-old really play together as peers and thus bond? It becomes the 14-year-old babysitting the 7-year-old--therefore they have another "parent" but not really a sibling they can relate to. I never said that my friends don't get along with their siblings because of an age gap but instead they aren't close--as in they don't feel a close tie with their siblings because while they were 10, their older siblings were finishing secondary school, going to university and leaving home--they basically grew up as only children because their siblings were almost a separate family apart from them because of the age difference. It's not that they actually quarreled with their siblings. They knew they had siblings but it was more like a cousin or a uncle.
It's just my nature to question, I think. Getting pregnant with my son was unplanned and if that pregnancy hadn't been graciously rained down upon us I likely would still be running this same debate with myself over a first child. I probably will never consciously make the decision to start actively TTC with a second child (as in really go for it...) but we don't use any contraception and haven't for the past two years. I chart my cycles and we use a very lose version of natural family planning but even with that, I think if it were God's will we get pregnant, we'd be pregnant already--meaning we aren't all that careful to avoid getting pregnant and in NFP that is called "achieving-related behavior" which is the same thing as TTC. I guess what I'm trying to say, if I were being honest with myself, is that we are TTC but at the same time hoping we don't (or at least I am, my husband wishes we had a second child by yesterday). Talk about contradiction, huh? :haha:
Shenzhennifer
Registered User
You`re questioning this a lot more than you did before, right? Before you sounded pretty adament against having a second one, but now it sounds like you`re entertaining the thought more and more. If you had a hard pregnancy, the older you get, the worse it`s gonna get, so it might be wise to get it over with sooner rather than later. But you won`t want to have too much on your plate at that time.
As you know, I only have one, born when I was 31(old in your books, thank you very much
. When he was a younger baby, I was so in awe or everything `baby` that I started to seriously think about having another sooner than later. Then he aged a few months, and I got busier and busier. He got busier and busier. I started sleeping more, but I`m still exhausted. Also, his personality came out more and more, and I fell more and more in love with this little thing. So now it`s at the point where I`m going to hold off for a while longer, I think. Because I`m still tired, and he`s just getting too cute. I don`t want him to share his parents with anyone just yet. I don`t want to pay attention to anyone else just yet. I want it to be all him. For now.
Plus...man, I am tired.
As you know, I only have one, born when I was 31(old in your books, thank you very much
. When he was a younger baby, I was so in awe or everything `baby` that I started to seriously think about having another sooner than later. Then he aged a few months, and I got busier and busier. He got busier and busier. I started sleeping more, but I`m still exhausted. Also, his personality came out more and more, and I fell more and more in love with this little thing. So now it`s at the point where I`m going to hold off for a while longer, I think. Because I`m still tired, and he`s just getting too cute. I don`t want him to share his parents with anyone just yet. I don`t want to pay attention to anyone else just yet. I want it to be all him. For now.Plus...man, I am tired.
You`re questioning this a lot more than you did before, right? Before you sounded pretty adament against having a second one, but now it sounds like you`re entertaining the thought more and more. If you had a hard pregnancy, the older you get, the worse it`s gonna get, so it might be wise to get it over with sooner rather than later. But you won`t want to have too much on your plate at that time.
As you know, I only have one, born when I was 31(old in your books, thank you very much
Plus...man, I am tired.
He he he...well, I guess I've just "gone public" with my questioning recently but I've questioned this seriously for the past 6-8 months (basically since my son was over 1-year-old and I felt I was getting a better grip on sanity once again). I guess now that my son's second birthday is coming up that's the milestone that is prompting being being "out" about my inner thoughts. That must be it.
Honestly, turning 30 freaks me out a bit--I'm sure it will eventually be fine. For sake of not further offending others on this site, I'll keep my personal opinion about older first-time motherhood to myself. But, yeah, having all the babies done and out of the way before 30 is just part of what I think is right for me--it's just one of those intuition/gut things that I'm fond of following. And always remember, 31 isn't old, if you're a tree :rofl
But, as you know me, whereas others might see questioning as a sign of doubt, I see it as a sign of progress. Those things we don't question are the things we're settled on but things that are up for questioning provide the possibility for change. I think you're right (with the words I just put in your mouth) and thanks for being a sounding board. :thanks
I can totally identify with the tiredness, man. I feel like I definitely paid my dues in the first year of my son's life. As I was telling a friend today, without exaggeration, for the first six months I was that scary sort of tired--the type of tired psychologists write about when prisoners of war are subject to sleep deprivation torture--the type where you see and hear things that aren't there just because you are constantly in a state of exhaustion. So, it took another six months after that first six months just to get to the point where I even could think to myself, "Yeah, this kid is alright, I might like to keep him around a few more months" :haha: So, it seems like it was almost the opposite to your experience because my son was so active and so full-on from the very beginning and over time as he's developed and learned to entertain himself he's gotten more mellow and manageable. So, for the first year, I absolutely couldn't even think of any other babies--just surviving one was fully occupying my time. And I also can really relate to what you're saying about enjoying your child so much. It's not that I feel like my son would have to share us (well, I mean, he would but...) because I don't quite see him as the center that everything should revolve around (although, in reality, it ends up that he is that in our lives...) and a good chunk of the motivation to have another kid would be to benefit him anyway but...for me it's more like I feel content. I feel good having one child. As I said to a friend, "Maybe I should leave well enough alone."