But you just went ahead and did it???

[carang]

thanka, you have answered your own quesion, it seems to me.

maybe, if you really want to expand your family and you can't face another pregnancy, you should consider adoption.

my feelings regarding my pregnancies:

i don't want to put my family through that again. i felt like 1/2 a mother the second time as i was so restricted in the wheelchair. i couldn't hold my 2nd for over 24 hours, so it took me a lot longer to bond with her. (i had general anesthesia and couldn't get upstairs in the wheelchair by myself, i had to wait for my husband to be able to wheel me up!)
BUT
i would do it all again in a heartbeat, if hubby agreed to #3...

as you see, even though i had two traumatic births & pregnancies, for me, the end totally outweighed the means. i have no doubt whatsoever that you love your son with all your heart, but it seems that that is still overshadowed by what you went through to have him. unless you can come out from under the shadow of the pregnancy and release those fears/emotions that are wrapped up in your first horrid experience, you will never be in a "good" place and truly want a second child.

ps> after my first, i thought there was no way i'd do it again. the epidural didn't take properly and i FELT my c-section... only way to describe it: they were trying to touch my bellybutton to the 30' ceiling. NOT nice!

 

[carang]

just to clarify: i couldn't hold my 2nd after she was born for over 24 hours.

 

[thanka2]

thanka, you have answered your own quesion, it seems to me.

maybe, if you really want to expand your family and you can't face another pregnancy, you should consider adoption.

my feelings regarding my pregnancies:

i don't want to put my family through that again. i felt like 1/2 a mother the second time as i was so restricted in the wheelchair. i couldn't hold my 2nd for over 24 hours, so it took me a lot longer to bond with her. (i had general anesthesia and couldn't get upstairs in the wheelchair by myself, i had to wait for my husband to be able to wheel me up!)
BUT
i would do it all again in a heartbeat, if hubby agreed to #3...

as you see, even though i had two traumatic births & pregnancies, for me, the end totally outweighed the means. i have no doubt whatsoever that you love your son with all your heart, but it seems that that is still overshadowed by what you went through to have him. unless you can come out from under the shadow of the pregnancy and release those fears/emotions that are wrapped up in your first horrid experience, you will never be in a "good" place and truly want a second child.

ps> after my first, i thought there was no way i'd do it again. the epidural didn't take properly and i FELT my c-section... only way to describe it: they were trying to touch my bellybutton to the 30' ceiling. NOT nice!

I think where I'm at with a second pregnancy is that I do want another baby but the territory we now enter, it goes beyond logic (actually, defies logic)--it's the realm of instinct or reaction, I think. If I logically think through everything--I mean even considering what I went through and then considering where I'm at now, I think, "I could get through it" but why then is my entire body rigid and tense? It's because of the subconscious reaction to it. It was explained to me this way--what happens in the first 24-48 hours after a major injury or life-threatening experience (almost losing your life in childbirth) is really crucial--so, if you experience something horrific physically it's really important how you are cared for during that time--I think something went awry at this juncture. I'm still not sure what. And I guess you're right, I'm just not in the place to have another baby which is unfortunate because for me, it really is either now (or within the coming months) or never.

 

[spockey]

Thanka
(Published this after yours as the computer was sitting idly and did not refresh)

I'm just going to add to Cara's observation.

I've been through my own HELL and have come back. Ante-natal and post-natal depression plus dealing with a trauma from teenage years that returned triggered by the birth of my child. These days, I think that I live a picture perfect life although we are such imperfect folks. When things are better, there is a need to stop and smell the roses and simply enjoy the better cirsumstances.

Why not enjoy the situation as is now, pursue your own needs for now then decide? If undertaking a Masters degree is important for your career, why not start that first then decide? If simply chilling and enjoying the moment for what it has to offer now, why don't you do that too then?

I've always wanted a second but didn't dare pursue it until I got my groove back. I was afraid that the person I was when I went through HELL was the real me. I've learnt to forgive and accept that it was just REALLY STRESSED and STRECHED ME.

Studying (Research) gave me my groove back. It is what I'm good at and what I love. Since I got my groove back, I know for sure now that I want a second one if the bigger person out there answers my prayers. Finding friends in a foreign contry with no family who love you unconditionally helped too.

From the sounds of it, you are a very strong woman. Whatever life has to throw at you, from your experiences, I'm sure you are better prepared and will cope.

 

[thanka2]

I think you are an incredibly strong woman thanka2. Kudos to you!!!!

Thanks, Obiwan...after I gave birth the midwife said to me, "Now you can officially do anything...from now on you will feel so strong in your life when it comes to pain."

 

[Obiwan]

It is indeed very interesting (and encouraging) how the human body and spirit is able to survive a large amount of pain and challenges. We have all been through difficult times in some form or another, and to different intensity, and i believe it is through these we grow and become stronger ... and it is also these experiences that I often go back to whenever I need assurances that I can get through another difficult moment. After all, we are survivors aren't we ... and this too shall pass

I think you are an incredible woman, and whatever you decide to do, I know you will do your best and find peace in your decision. I have learnt that sometimes that is no right answer, and we just don't know what the 'right' thing is, but as long as we have given it measured thoughts, and are at peace with our decision, we can and will be happy.

 

[thanka2]

In Conclusion....

Thanks ladies for your discussion on this topic. I picked up a useful book at the library this week: "Coping Successfully with Your Second Child" by Fiona Marshall It was published in 1992 and as far as I can tell from web searches probably isn't extremely popular but the author makes some really good points.

She is writing to an audience that may include people all along the way to having a second child (thinking about it, planning it, pregnant, after the child is born). A few things that really made sense so far when it comes to thinking about having a second child is:

Time Gap: That it is generally more difficult for both parents and older siblings to adjust to a new family member the more time that goes by. My mother also brought out the point from the "Birth Order Book" which is kind of a standard book for talking about birth order that if you have two children that are 5 or more years apart in age, essentially you are raising two first-born children as far as the social makeup of the family goes. Also, it can be a really rough/rude awakening for parents who get beyond the newborn and baby stage and be away from it for a few years and then be thrown back into the high demands of taking care of a newborn.

Letting Go of Babyhood: When you have a second child you are doing two things--you're essentially letting go of your first child's babyhood and secondly you are saying to yourself, the world and your first child that one child is not enough for your family and therefore your first child ceases to be the center of attention all the time. But, this is healthy and natural because no one in this life is ever the center of attention all the time--it's a growing up step.

The author also brings out practical things about when is the right time to have a second child--things to consider. Considering that the physical strain of pregnancy while dealing with a small toddler can be rough. But she also suggests tips and writes that widening your child's social circle (more time with grandparents, nursery school, playgroups etc.) takes the pressure off of mom and can be a healthy social network to help the first child adjust to a sibling once the sibling arrives.

I was just telling my close friend that as my son is about to turn 2-years-old, having a second child is becoming more feasible. It seems like a more appropriate time as he will soon start nursery school and then kindergarten next year (widening that social circle and also letting go of babyhood). He is potty training and can pick up his toys and help around the house, feed himself, help get himself dressed and communicate what he needs and wants. In essence, the natural progression of things is that he IS growing up and that's why it may be fitting to have another child.

If I were to fall pregnant within the next 6 months, then the space between my children would be around 3-3.5 years which I honestly think is best.

So, at the same time, I am taking hold of the destiny of my life in some way as I know in order to have a happy, healthy pregnancy and childbirth I need to be the healthiest I can be. So, I think I must keep on with my goals for the next 6 months--losing weight, getting in shape, getting good nutrition in my body and getting mentally and emotionally more healthy. I've already committed to these goals and little by little am getting there. But, as I've heard it said before, if you wait until everything is perfect before you have children, you'll never have children. So, I'm going to give myself 6 months and then start TTC.

That's another aspect that the author brings out too...

Conception Time: Even if we were to start TTC this very day, there is no guarantee that I would fall pregnant within weeks or even months. That is never guaranteed. So, yeah...it's better to start earlier than later. And time waits for no man...er...woman! :haha:

But, overall the author is writing to an audience that is without help inside the home--meaning she writes to women assuming they don't have domestic helpers.

I've also come to the realization that two years from now we may not even be living in Hong Kong. When our rental agreement is up in two years we may move out of HK. And there are advantages to being in HK with a newborn baby--the availability of helpers--the relatively low cost of medical care. So, this may be the time. I'll let you know next April!

Thanks for reading this ramble, whoever made it this far!

 

[Obiwan]

All the best thanka2!! You are going to be an awesome mom.

Since your first pregnancy was difficult, there is a very high probability that your second will be easy!! Good Karma to you, you'll have a easy pregnancy, smooth delivery and a chilled and happy baby

 

[carang]

obiwan, it is very nice of you to say that the next one will probably be easy, but as someone who suffers terribly during pregnancy, i would not get thanka's hopes up.

it is possible, but not necessarily probable.

i, too, hope that the second go-round is easier for you. i wish you the pregnancy that a friend of mine had... hiking with her dog up until the day before labour...

 

[thanka2]

obiwan, it is very nice of you to say that the next one will probably be easy, but as someone who suffers terribly during pregnancy, i would not get thanka's hopes up.

it is possible, but not necessarily probable.

i, too, hope that the second go-round is easier for you. i wish you the pregnancy that a friend of mine had... hiking with her dog up until the day before labour...

Don't worry about getting my hopes up as I am more than realistic (pessimistic?) about what will happen the second time around. I have no expectation that it will be easier but I do feel more confident armed with experience and knowledge (mostly about myself) this time.

But, at least now I know what I'm NOT going to do this time around as far as lifestyle choices go. I know what my limits are. So, maybe if I go into labor, I won't be trekking around the city buying supplies and making a birthday cake (yes, I did this in the first 16 hours of my labor). I mean, at the time, I did that because I had been trained to keep myself occupied in early labor so you don't waste energy worrying or thinking--so I stayed occupied. I also won't stress over breastfeeding. If it's horrible for the first 8 weeks, I'm just going to let it go. There really was no point in making myself suffer for 5 months and then feeling guilty for not breastfeeding afterward. Absolutely senseless.

I also know what IWILL DO this time around. I will definitely fill my freezer with ready-to-eat meals so I don't even have to think about food when it comes to baby time. I will also definitely have help around (helper) to do things for me so I can really just lay in bed and rest and focus on recovering. Also, I would eat in early labor. The only food I had during the 43 hours I was in labor was a taco and that was actually the meal from the night before I went into labor. Pretty much I didn't eat for 2-3 days and I ran out of steam because of that. By the time my son was born I was almost going into shock--my body temperature was pretty cool and I was shivering because I had just expended so much energy and my muscles all over were also going through spasm. So, I would rest and eat.

Seems pretty simple but just these few changes could make a huge difference in how I cope with another pregnancy and baby. Also, the fact that I don't hate Hong Kong as much as I did when I was first pregnant might help too. :haha: