But you just went ahead and did it???

[Nashua852]

As you know, this is exactly what we did, and a month after the birth of my daughter I have never doubted it one bit.

Both hubby and I are relatively young to be having kids and number 1 was certainly a surprise. We dealt with the shock of not being financially ready for a child when he made his appearance. I mean, hubby was finishing his postgrad teaching qualification in the UK when he received the 'are you sitting down' phonecall from his fiance in Hong Kong a month after his 2 week holiday tells you a lot about how unprepared we were..but we dealt with it. Got jobs, got married, had our little boy and then when he was 12-13 months old decided to let fate take a hand in things and start well not actively trying..more like being 'lazy' =P and we were pregnant very soon after. Kids are 22 months apart and me answering the forum topic at 3am attests to that!

Our reasoning/mindset?:
- We both wanted more than one child and always have and decided in a nutshell that as far as the nappy stage goes, we're doing it once and getting it over and done with. We wanted the kids close together, toys, books and clothes last longer this way ;P and for more obvious reasons of having a playmate etc. My husband and his brother are three years apart. The gap between me and my 2 siblings are 7 years and 9 years respectively. This meant that we all had a lot of growing up to do before we spoke to each other as rational human beings (this is obviously PURELY from personal experience and not always the case) and I craved the closeness that siblings were meant to have as a child.

- Financially speaking my mindset has always been 'give me a bill and I'll deal with it' as far as children go - as parents we will ALWAYS find a way. Everyone on this site worries about the future for their kids - I grew up in HK, I know firsthand how competitive education is, how being in such and such school means that associates even much later in life treat you with some measure of respect. I also know how this place attracts opportunity.

As I said earlier, we weren't planning on having kids by any means when we had number one. I guess Im peaceful in the fact that both me and my husband are hardworking people - we'll be slogging our guts out for the next few years anyway - might as well chuck another kid to the mix. We have good people around us, great family, and lots of joy from our kids. They still manage to have more toys and clothes than they will ever need and as my son is a very happy, confident little man (when he's not trying to throw his bowl of cornflakes into the moses basket.) Personally, I've found plenty of inspiration - plenty of motivation - as worrisome as life gets I remind myself sometimes that its all bred from (as cheesy as this sounds) love. It's that same love that will see us through. This is the life we chose to have. That is all the control I need.

I hated pregnancy the second time round. It was god awful - but you know what, just a month later and its already apparent that life moves on.

I'm utterly exhausted.
These days, the hours are speeding past, lived on in minutes (as far as the BFing goes). The pressure will pile up especially as our son starts kindie next year, but I know we'll make ends meet. I feel like our family is complete (minus future cat) and I feel very strongly that for us, the timing was right. I like knowing what cards I'm playing with, even though its hard and stressful at times dealing with it in one swell swoop suits me and my husband.

You've got our support no matter what you decide. Your little boy is a star and possibly one of the most gentle toddlers I've ever met! Good luck, do what feels right - because ultimately those are the only decisions we can ever stand by. Good Luck.

 

[Suv]

We always wanted to have 2 kids but it took 3 years of considerable efforts/ tears to conceive our first, so we were thrilled just to have one and there was no reason for us to believe that a second would be any easier, if at all. But we have and frankly, I don't feel ready- physically and mentally. I feel frustrated that next academic year I would have had the chance to go full time, but most likely with 2 kids under 2, I cannot. Also, I wish my body had the chance to recover a bit more than 9 months so that I could get back into some kind of shape after the second. Currently, I also have my MIL with me who wants to play with the baby at 4:15am The thought of handling her child like behaviour and 2 of my own, drives me nuts and scared at how exhausting it is going to be. Having said that I think things will be quite rough in the beginning but we will survive and it will be fun for the kids to grow up together and I would be free to pursue my career.

My husband is the only child and so are a number of his friends. Yes, the sense of responsibility and taking care of each other does not come as naturally but I think its how the parents teach their kids to be. He needs to be reminded of things that to me are second nature but that is about it. At the end of the day, my husband is a good guy with excellent values. My sister and I have a 6 year gap. I was conceived very quickly but my parents who wanted to have a 2-3 year gap were unable to conceive for a long time, hence our 6 yr difference. Yes, we weren't that close to begin with- I was god to her and in return I bullied her because I was jealous that she was the baby of the house. But now, the age difference is non existent, she is one of my best friends and my baby sister whom I love taking care of.

I would say if you feel your life is complete with one, thats good. You will be able to give the love, attention and values you want "in any case. Doubts would always be there one way or the other. Question whether to jump from the frying pan into the fire (if that analogy has any resonance) can only be decided by you. And unfortunately we cannot return any of these kids when we are feeling overwhelmed!! Good luck!"

 

[Shenzhennifer]

you wanna wait until you're not tired anymore? LOL! that is NEVER going to happen!

Maybe bc hubbie is now sick and so I have 2 babies to take care of already, hehe.
Yawn...

 

[nicolejoy]

You know, we could reply to this topic all day long, and it would just be OUR experiences. When it comes down to it, YOU'RE the only one who knows what is right for YOU. I know you and I know just how hard your pregnancy and first year were - I have to say, I've never seen it be as hard for anyone else. I know that now, you've got a wonderfully sweet 2 year old and things aren't as crazy any more. Probably part of why it's even a consideration now I guess

I'm completely 100% different to you. First bub was planned but took over 12 months to conceive. Always wanted more than one baby. My one baby was a very good baby (although lately she hasn't been sleeping so good and I'm more sleep deprived now than when she was a newborn!!). After she was born, we decided to just "not try to not conceive" since we wanted them close together and since it took so long the first time. We were ecstatic when we found out when we were expecting when she was only 9 months old, devastated when we lost the bub. I'd love for nothing more than to be pregnant again, hopefully it will be as easy as it was the 2nd time...

So anyways, completely different to you - and I'm not trying to tell you what is best for you, because only you know that. Whatever happens though, I'm here for ya

 

[spockey]

Thank you for responding, Arleneli.
Also, I'm planning to go back and get my master's degree next autumn so yeah, I don't think I can handle husband+toddler+work+study+pregnancy all at the same time.

Husband + Toddler + Full-time work + Study = Can do.
I completed one while I was preggers. And started one when my little man was a little less than 2. But only after i found my groove back... it was HELL on earth being in HK for the first year and a half.

Husband + Toddler + Full time work + Study + Pregnancy = Not impossible with a great support network i reckon.

Personal belief that a woman can do anything they set their minds to (provided they have a supportive environement). Am thinking of starting my Doctorate next year and hopefully fingers crossed include a pregnancy.

I have two close friends doing just the combination you mentioned - living away from home (London & NY) with no DH! One of them was pregnant with 2 kids when she undertook her Masters!

 

[thanka2]

You know, we could reply to this topic all day long, and it would just be OUR experiences. When it comes down to it, YOU'RE the only one who knows what is right for YOU.

Of course, and actually, I wasn't really asking for people to tell me if its right or wrong for me. But, I always find it helpful to hear other peoples' experience and then make comparison--it's really good for me to have a sounding board with other people and well, it's just interesting to gab over this topic. I'm not really looking for answers here--I just like hearing others' stories too.

I'm completely 100% different to you. First bub was planned but took over 12 months to conceive. Always wanted more than one baby. My one baby was a very good baby (although lately she hasn't been sleeping so good and I'm more sleep deprived now than when she was a newborn!!). After she was born, we decided to just "not try to not conceive" since we wanted them close together and since it took so long the first time. We were ecstatic when we found out when we were expecting when she was only 9 months old, devastated when we lost the bub. I'd love for nothing more than to be pregnant again, hopefully it will be as easy as it was the 2nd time...

I also wanted more than one baby--I wanted four! But, yes, you're right, we didn't plan our pregnancy--came off the birth control pill (Thank God! I will never take that "rat poison" again--sorry ladies for those of you who do the pill but it wreaked havoc on my body!) and was pregnant within a cycle. But the weird thing is that prior to going on the pill we had never used contraception and I actually thought we were infertile (and hence was not cautious after coming off the pill) because we didn't get pregnant for the entire 18 months we didn't use contraception. So, actually, I think that the hormonal residue of the pill still in my body may have made getting pregnant easier. (I've never read any studies tracking this but have heard other women say it was easy for them to get pregnant right after the pill). So, who knows, we may have low fertility anyway because as I said, we've nearly been doing the same thing for the past two years and no babies.

But, anyway, after I went through what I went through that was a huge reality check for me. As I was going through it, it seemed awfully unfair to have such a miserable time of things that it pretty much crushed any hopes I had that I could realistically go through that over again. It felt very sad. I can't imagine having really wanted to be pregnant and have another baby and then lose a child, so I feel so heartbroken when I hear that's what happened to you. I really can't imagine.

The whole motherhood scenario made me realize I am not super-human. I thought that pregnancy would be like anything else I've ever gone through--even though it was hard I could just pull myself up by my bootstraps and get through it and be victorious over whatever in the end. Boy, was I wrong!

My first pregnancy and baby could have ended my life and nearly ended my marriage so it was pretty severe all around. But at the time we got pregnant our life was so up in the air that that made it difficult as well. We didn't even have our own house but instead shared a tiny flat and closet-space room (photos attached) with my parents-in-law. No money to speak of as well and although money is not everything it really does affect the stress level of life--studies show that money issues are a major contributor to divorce, actually.

The steps/drawers leading up to our "luxurious" bed of the room we lived in. I like to share this because it seems almost too crazy to be true.

Isn't it spacious? ROFL! Yes, we shared a single bed for 6 months! Good thing my husband is really thin! (but once I got that pregnant belly going on, he had to sleep on the floor on a mat under the desk)


In Retrospect, according to the HOLMES-RAHE STRESS TEST my stress level for the year while I was pregnant with my son was 292. Contributing factors were: marriage (I had been married 9 months when I fell pregnant); pregnancy; change in financial status; spouse beginning/starting work; finishing school (I had just finished university and was looking for work); change in living conditions (in a period of 9 months I had moved country twice and had just landed in HK); change in residence (went from living by myself to living with my husband to living with in-laws to living with husband to being separated in 9 months) as well as changes in church-going, social activities, family get-togethers (could no longer see my family whom I was really close with) and changes in eating habits (I don't really like Chinese food and was losing a ton of weight when I first got here)-->all that added together comes to a score of around 292. According to the Social Readjustment Rating Scale (SRRS), 200-299 points is a moderate level of stress. 300+ points is a major life crisis. I was 8 points away from having a nervous breakdown, it seems. If we had had the money to go on vacation or have a stressful Christmas, I don't know what I would've done! :haha: Then when I gave birth to my son, that added another 39 points and coupled with the "personal injury/illness" that followed the birth (53 points), brought my total up to a whopping 384 points! --it literally sent me over the edge. So, when I look back I'm like, "Ah ha! That's why I lost my marbles!" :haha:

So anyways, completely different to you - and I'm not trying to tell you what is best for you, because only you know that. Whatever happens though, I'm here for ya

Yes, that's the beauty of it all. We're all different. It's just good to have people to sound off of and mull things over with. And at the time when I fell pregnant I really didn't have that support--I didn't even know this site existed until about 8 months after my son was born--and I guess I can credit this site with helping bring back my equilibrium too so thank you, Geobaby.

 

[Obiwan]

I think you are an incredibly strong woman thanka2. Kudos to you!!!!

 

[carang]

wow! i thought I had it bad during pregnancy....i will say, though, that my husband and i argued more during the 4 months i was in the wheelchair than we did in 10 years together!

pregnancy was not easy for me either, so you have my utmost sympathy.

keep in mind though that a few factors have changed since #1...
1) so far as i know, you and your hubby have worked things out
2) he's been working a while now
3) although not a huge income, it is income nonetheless which must take some pressure off
4) you are not living with your in-laws
5) you have a helper to help relieve the mundane, everyday nuisances such as dirty dishes and cleaning the toilet
6) you now have an idea what pregnancy could be like and you may expect it to be similar (it could be much better or it could be worse), but you may be pleasantly surprised. if not, at least it didn't come at you out of left field.
7) you've been settled in hk now for a while, you have a support network of friends around you that you didn't have the first time round. you also don't have the stress of figuring out where everything is while at the same time being pregnant.
8) you and hubby both know what the first few exhausting months can be like and you may be able to come up with some way to combat the exhaustion together (possibly with the help of your helper).

as someone with chronic hyper-tension, i KNOW about stress.... it seems to me, you've made some headway in that area and a second pregnancy may not be as gruelling as the first was.

 

[thanka2]

wow! i thought I had it bad during pregnancy....i will say, though, that my husband and i argued more during the 4 months i was in the wheelchair than we did in 10 years together!

pregnancy was not easy for me either, so you have my utmost sympathy.

keep in mind though that a few factors have changed since #1...
1) so far as i know, you and your hubby have worked things out
2) he's been working a while now
3) although not a huge income, it is income nonetheless which must take some pressure off
4) you are not living with your in-laws
5) you have a helper to help relieve the mundane, everyday nuisances such as dirty dishes and cleaning the toilet
6) you now have an idea what pregnancy could be like and you may expect it to be similar (it could be much better or it could be worse), but you may be pleasantly surprised. if not, at least it didn't come at you out of left field.
7) you've been settled in hk now for a while, you have a support network of friends around you that you didn't have the first time round. you also don't have the stress of figuring out where everything is while at the same time being pregnant.
8) you and hubby both know what the first few exhausting months can be like and you may be able to come up with some way to combat the exhaustion together (possibly with the help of your helper).

as someone with chronic hyper-tension, i KNOW about stress.... it seems to me, you've made some headway in that area and a second pregnancy may not be as gruelling as the first was.

Yes, I agree, it is different now but I honestly think I have post-traumatic stress disorder over a few things that I experienced. So, even though, logically, I know its over, I don't ever, ever, ever want to relive the feelings--physically, mentally, emotionally that I felt for the pregnancy or the first year. Honestly, it feels so bad that some of it, anytime I think about it, I just totally block it out but I can still feel it. Gosh, I guess the line for me must be, "Get thee to a shrink." And actually, I have been in counseling for this as well but, I don't know if those memories ever go away. For the last trimester of my pregnancy (pretty much 6 months pregnant to-the-day) I had panic attacks all night long every night so even going into labor, birth, newborn nights I was at that chronically sleep-deprived stage. It was a combination of feeling chlostrophobic (sp?) inside my own body because I was so huge that I literally felt "cornered" by the baby inside me--it's really weird to describe, but that's how I felt AND having hot flashes--I guess a small percentage of women show over-sensitivity to the higher level of hormones in pregnancy and I was one of them. I seriously tried everything to sleep including eventually medication (which I hated taking). But, yeah, I do believe I experienced what could accurately be called "night terrors." So, even knowing what it could be like makes me never want to do it again--I honestly don't think I could mentally or physically go through it again.

 

[Obiwan]

So, even knowing what it could be like makes me never want to do it again--I honestly don't think I could mentally or physically go through it again.

This is said with the kindest intention ... I think you might not be ready at this juncture ... that doesn't mean you won't be in the future, maybe just not now? Happy mother = Happy toddler/baby. Sometimes it is important to make sure that we are happy first ....

Again, it doesn't mean that you won't feel that you want a second baby some time soon ...