Parents giving up adopted child

[barbwong_130]

Also I am not in the middle class of an affluent city myself.

Sorry should I have said upper class?

Hong Kong can definately (by anyone's judgement) be considered affluent.

And Hong Kong's median household income - that is the household income that 50% of people have less than and 50% of people have more than - is HK$15,500 a month.

 

[Leeah's mom]

ah

I don't think whether I am in the middle class or upper class or lower class is that important!!!

I just can't understand why we have to have this kind of conversation.

People understand things differently, not evreyone thinks the same way even with the same matter !!!!

I think my english is not good enough , so my thread is causing misunderstanding!!!!

probably from now on, I will just shut my mouth.

 

[sunniefaith]

In many cases, adopted kids grow well and live happily.
Also the adoption is another chance for the people who can't have babies or want more babies. A friend of mine adopted a kid eventhough she could have a baby.

Some children in Africa like being with their families even though they have nothing to eat.
what is a family for??? Whenever you are sad or happy, family members always support you whatever other people say.

We are adopting a child even though we have not tried 'making our own kid'. Our rationale is that we want to provide a home for a child that is in need. We want to provide for a child materially and emotionally if the child's parents can't provide for the child. But in saying that, there is lots involve. I work with kids and I understand that it is not going to easy task but I want to save a child.

This leads to my next point. How can you say that a poor and starving child will be happy in Africa starving with his or her family? Nothing to eat, no clothes and they are going to be happy with their parents when their basic needs are not met? Have you been to Africa and see these children yourself? I've not but my aunty went there and she met an African that was adopted by a Sporean and Kenyan couple and the child told my aunty that he is much happier in his new family. And how sure are you that ALL family members are supportive? Have you heard of parents that are abusive towards their children and they would probably be better off in another family? I've worked with enough children to say that. It's sad and it breaks my heart when I know of children who will definitely be better off living in another family.

Parents who know of a fact that they are not going to be able to support and give up their child with the hope and understanding that they will go to a loving family (unlike this Dutch family) love their children the most. They want to give them a life that they know that they can't give them. Are you also suggesting that girls that give birth in their teens to keep their children and continue with their wayward partying lifestyle? Or couples that can barely afford food for themselves to keep their child just because the child will be happier? And will the child be truly happier?

To me, what you wrote is a little baffling.

 

[elmo]

Two sides...

Gosh, what a lot of angry opinions about this case. When I first read about it, I too was angry but my husband, being the calm, rational one asked a lot of questions that made me think that it's probably not all what it appears to be.

As the days go past, more and more truths start to emerge. The newspapers always like to sensationalise things. That's a fact. First they made it sound like it's just happened, when in fact, the girl was handed over to HKG authorities almost 7 months ago. Then they said that she can only speak English and Cantonese, but in today's paper, it's revealed that she does indeed speak Dutch. Then they said that the mother had two kids of her own after adopting this girl, but the truth is she already had a boy, then they adopted this girl, then they had another boy of their own.

Stop believing everything the papers tell you. They almost always spew out half truths.

I'm not going to believe the reasons given at present as to why the girl was given up until the Dutch diplomat himself gives a full statement someday. I'm not going to believe what the Indonesian maid said about how the girl was treated differently. If the journalists had gone to her and said that something really good had happened to this child, then she'll probably be saying glowing things about the adoptive parents.

From the msnbc report....

"When we moved from Jakarta to Hong Kong in 2004, medical specialists diagnosed that my daughter suffers from serious bonding problems," Raymond Poeteray and his wife Meta wrote in a letter to De Telegraaf on Thursday. Poeteray now works at the Dutch consulate in Hong Kong.

The couple said intensive family therapy had not helped, and the situation began to take a toll on the entire family. They said that contrary to media reports, they had not intended to give her up formally and still considered her their daughter.

"The situation developed such that in mid-2006 on the advice of medical specialists, social workers and the adoption organization Mothers Choice and the Hong Kong social services, it was decided that Jade be placed in temporary care.

"Though the specialists now think it is not possible that Jade can be brought home, we continue to hope," they said, adding that all the negative publicity surrounding the case was making things worse and begged to be left alone.

The diplomat in the article above, says they continue to hope that she can br brought home.

Nuff said!

 

[spockey]

My blood boils yet again.

Yes, we cannot believe everything we read. But for heaven's sake, giving up a child in this situation CANNOT be rationalised. Serious bonding issues are just NOT good enough reason to give up a child.

We live in a society that doesn't allow us to return our own flesh and blood. We can't just rock up to the Social Welfare Department and give up a list of medical condition despite years of medical therapy and say, "Hey... we've tried. Can we just hand our child over to you? Don't mind us, we've tried everything. It just didn't work out. We are still our child's parents. We still want her home but when it's all good. But for now, please find our flesh born another home. Afterall, we are her parents."

IT'S JUST BLOODY RIDICULOUS!

I don't think there is even a need to be thinking about how the media has sensationalised this event. If anything, it's doing a good job at keeping up the heat on these people. I work with the poorest kids from the saddest neighbourhood in Hong Kong. I see it on a daily basis... how hard their lives are. What I have not seen... parents giving up their kids to the Social Welfare Department when the going gets tough and for them, the going is tough EVERYDAY!

These people are just simply a poor example of humanity.

Let's please not be naive. I've said it before, it's just a PR exercise. Too little too late.. a delayed reaction made because of the bad press the family is getting.

 

[Nula]

Spockey - agreed.

The child was adopted at 4 months!

Here is a brief description of John Bowlby's Attachment Theory.

Attachment theory is a psychological, evolutionary and ethological theory that provides a descriptive and explanatory framework for discussion of interpersonal relationships between human beings. Attachment theory originated in the work of John Bowlby. In infants it is primarily a process of proximity seeking to an identified attachment figure in situations of perceived distress or alarm. Infants become attached to adults who are sensitive and responsive in social interactions with the infant, and who remain as consistent caregivers for some months during the period from about 6 months to two years of age. Parental responses lead to the development of patterns of attachment which in turn lead lead to 'internal working models' which will guide the individuals feelings thoughts and expectations in later relationships

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory

RAD - "Bonding issues" the excuse


Reactive attachment disorder (also known as "RAD") is the broad term used to describe severe and relatively uncommon disorders of attachment which are classified in ICD-10 94.1 and 94.2, and DSM-IV 313.89. RAD is characterised by markedly disturbed and developmentally inappropriate social relatedness in most contexts, beginning before the age of 5 years. It should not be confused with less than ideal attachment 'styles' or attachment difficulties which do not amount to the clinical disorder defined as RAD. RAD should also be differentiated from pervasive developmental disorder or mental retardation, both of which conditions can affect attachment.

RAD arises from a failure to form normal attachments to primary care giving figures in early childhood. Such a failure would result from unusual early experiences of neglect, abuse, abrupt separation from caregivers after about age 6 months but before about age 3 years, frequent change of caregivers, or a lack of caregiver responsiveness to a child's communicative efforts.


Perhaps little Jade is better off away from the parents - BUT please don't excuse their actions - they need to be held accountable. They were her parents. The failure of bonding is being blamed on Jade by the Poeterays. Was it really the mother that never bonded with Jade? How much effort had they put in before things got difficult?

 

[sunniefaith]

Jade is and will be better off without her parents but I think her parents should be punished as well. How can they treat Jade that way? This is simply ridiculous!

 

[Matty]

Elmo I'm with you.

Unless we personally know these people there is no way of knowing what the real truth is here.

I've known of a family who had to put their own child into care because of emotional issues.
It was agonising for everyone.

If these people truly did just dump their child for no reason (which is highly unlikely lets face it) I'd be the first person calling for blood.

There are a few families currently trying to adopt Jade, so perhaps some more truth will come to light soon as to why these don't seem to be moving ahead?

You can all jump on me now for being openminded, and wanting to wait on more facts before condeming possibly innocent people.

 

[barbwong_130]

It seems that because something terrible has happened to this little girl that we feel the need to blame someone and make them accountable. But often bad things happen and it isn’t anyone’s fault or if it is someone’s fault they didn’t do it on purpose. I believe that this is one of these occasions.

I’m sure that anyone who has tried to adopt in Hong Kong will agree that there are many procedures to go through and successfully pass before any child is allowed to accompany you home. I’m sure this is the case in South Korea as well.

Thus I believe that the family in this case started out with the very best of intentions. I believe that they truly thought that they could give a good home to this little girl when they took her.

It is difficult to read between the lines of the scanty details and misinformation that is available in the newspapers. But often when parents aren’t able to cope with their children it is not just one thing but a combination of many things. In this case it seems probable that the girl has bonding issues – possibly some sort of autism, and the mother is also suffering some sort of emotional problem, possibly post natal depression. Can you imagine what sort of problems these two illnesses together would result in?

I think the whole situation is sad – not just for the little girl but also for the Dutch parents and, of course, for the Dutch children.

And to all those who think that biological parents don’t have problems which result in children being placed for fostering if not adoption – get real – where are you living? At the moment there are nearly 1,000 children in foster care in Hong Kong (and many more in children’s homes) – many who still have parents alive.

 

[spockey]

And to all those who think that biological parents don?t have problems which result in children being placed for fostering if not adoption ? get real ? where are you living? At the moment there are nearly 1,000 children in foster care in Hong Kong (and many more in children?s homes) ? many who still have parents alive... so says BarbWong_130.


Who's not realistic? These children come from the poor of the poorest or from a real tragic family situation.

Wake up and realise that these people CANNOT compare themselves to the poor of Hong Kong or of any society for that matter. These kids who have been abandoned by their parents usually come from homes where parents are drug abusers, prostituting themselves for money, amongst a host of problems. I know of one who has been left in foster care because the only parent alive has been handicapped by an accident. Just this week, where I work, a teenager who has been sexually abused by her brother has had to be removed from her home for her own protection. The Social Welfare Department has had to step in.

IT'S JUST LUDICROUS to compare these kids with the current child who's been abandoned by an affluent family who could not come up with (so far) a decent PR friendly excuse!

If anything, being in the system, I see it as the Dutch family's fault. The Social Welfare Department does not intervene unless there is a risk of the child's safety.

It's all nice to be sympathetic to the Dutch family's plight but really, children don't get removed from their family unless there is real evidence to show that parents are not competent enough to care for them. And that their well being is/has been endangered because of the actions of their caregiver.

All the facts have not been displayed BUT the facts that have been shown are not good enough reason for to say, 'Let's give the Dutch couple a break. Boo Hoo Hoo. Imagine what they are going through.'

Running away to their homeland is sure a great way to spend Christmas and forget about their problems in Hong Kong. It's a great way to show how much they want to be with the little girl amidst everything else they have done.

I have nothing but contempt for the actions of these two adults. The light at the end of the tunnel is that their HORRENDOUS act and all the publicity that comes along will bring a great deal more potentially hopeful and happy situation for this little girl.