Don't have to wait till 7-10, my seven months old baby is already telling me that. Now I know what "daddy's girl" really is.
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need to not feel blue today.
- Thread starter 1stimemum
- Start date
Don't have to wait till 7-10, my seven months old baby is already telling me that. Now I know what "daddy's girl" really is.
Babies and children are able to break our hearts in ways that no one else can and often they don't mean to do it. It's a long process--this parenthood thing. I've had a few experiences where my heart broke when my son preferred someone over me--sometimes it was the helper, sometimes dadda or even the grandparents. There are other instances where my son has broken my heart in other ways.
Just remember that children have minds of their own--and just like us some days they want to spend more time with one person rather than another. The only difference is that children, and especially babies are 100% honest about it--they don't know how to "be polite" at this point. It still hurts and it shakes one's confidence as a mother--it feels like a huge slap in the face. I think it's important, though, to respect the child's preferences and not try to "make him like me more"--just be yourself.
I totally disagree with the poster that said, "that's the problem with hiring a maid" as this problem can happen with ANYONE--I've seen it happen with everyone in our family. It actually hurt much more when my son prefers Grandma or Grandpa over me. This can happen when the child spends any amount of time with anyone else but you and unless you are going to purposely keep your child away from other people (probably not a healthy approach) then you run the "risk" of this happening.
I agree with the poster who said that the helper brings different skills to the table to help parent a child. Why would anyone want to NOT give their child the best? Sometimes giving your child the best means that several different people have input into his or her life--each offering their best to your child. I know for myself, by myself, I wouldn't have the energy to really give my child the best all the time. Having a helper means that I hardly ever lose my temper with my children because I'm not running in a constant state of exhaustion. Before helper (which was almost 2 years) I would reach that "burnout" phase and I wasn't a very happy mama to be around. Sometimes I think that it's like self-martyrdome or someone having a super-mom complex that drives women to try to do everything on their own so they can "hoarde" all the attention of their children to themselves. It may work for some people definitely not for me. Been there, done that, not so much fun for anyone in my family.
But, just know, that it's just an emotion--and every mom is going to be filled with overwhelming emotions all of their child's life--joy, sadness, frustration, excitement, pride, worry and even emotions that are so deep we can't even express them. I remember a quote I read when I was pregnant with my first child that said:
I think that pretty much sums it up. So, we can't let all emotions just completely rock our worlds every time we feel them. Feel them and then move on. That method has kept me going these past 4 years.
But, yes, I do empathize with your feelings. Most moms do, I think.
Just remember that children have minds of their own--and just like us some days they want to spend more time with one person rather than another. The only difference is that children, and especially babies are 100% honest about it--they don't know how to "be polite" at this point. It still hurts and it shakes one's confidence as a mother--it feels like a huge slap in the face. I think it's important, though, to respect the child's preferences and not try to "make him like me more"--just be yourself.
I totally disagree with the poster that said, "that's the problem with hiring a maid" as this problem can happen with ANYONE--I've seen it happen with everyone in our family. It actually hurt much more when my son prefers Grandma or Grandpa over me. This can happen when the child spends any amount of time with anyone else but you and unless you are going to purposely keep your child away from other people (probably not a healthy approach) then you run the "risk" of this happening.
I agree with the poster who said that the helper brings different skills to the table to help parent a child. Why would anyone want to NOT give their child the best? Sometimes giving your child the best means that several different people have input into his or her life--each offering their best to your child. I know for myself, by myself, I wouldn't have the energy to really give my child the best all the time. Having a helper means that I hardly ever lose my temper with my children because I'm not running in a constant state of exhaustion. Before helper (which was almost 2 years) I would reach that "burnout" phase and I wasn't a very happy mama to be around. Sometimes I think that it's like self-martyrdome or someone having a super-mom complex that drives women to try to do everything on their own so they can "hoarde" all the attention of their children to themselves. It may work for some people definitely not for me. Been there, done that, not so much fun for anyone in my family.
But, just know, that it's just an emotion--and every mom is going to be filled with overwhelming emotions all of their child's life--joy, sadness, frustration, excitement, pride, worry and even emotions that are so deep we can't even express them. I remember a quote I read when I was pregnant with my first child that said:
?Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.?-Elizabeth Stone
I think that pretty much sums it up. So, we can't let all emotions just completely rock our worlds every time we feel them. Feel them and then move on. That method has kept me going these past 4 years.
But, yes, I do empathize with your feelings. Most moms do, I think.
My daughter and I were separated from daddy while I was going back to school in the states. She had only seen him several times for a year and half when she was 12 -28 months old and around 20 months she would start crying out for him when she was upset. This did not make sense to me as she had only been with him for limited amounts of time. Eventually it passed. I asked someone about it and they said that she could have been doing it because of the reaction she was getting from me. I understand how you feel. For me it feel felt like I was not doing something right or doing something wrong. Try not to let it get to you as a lot of parents have had experienced similar situations. Seems like it is just a stage of growing up.
thanka2 and all the other mums out there,
thanks for the great advice. It does shake your confidence as thanka2 aptly puts it, " am i doing something wrong? am i not enough ?"
but I am learning to be a little more detached (in a yogic/ buddhist sense) and not let it get to me. Most importantly, I"m obviously going to love him exactly the same.
but as some of you who have older kids have warned me, this behaviour doesnt really go away, just manifests in different forms at diff ages so I really better get used to it!
thanks for the great advice. It does shake your confidence as thanka2 aptly puts it, " am i doing something wrong? am i not enough ?"
but I am learning to be a little more detached (in a yogic/ buddhist sense) and not let it get to me. Most importantly, I"m obviously going to love him exactly the same.
but as some of you who have older kids have warned me, this behaviour doesnt really go away, just manifests in different forms at diff ages so I really better get used to it!
I'm a working mom of a 4-mo-old. This is exactly what I'm worried about, that my baby will favour helper over me! I can't imagine how hurt I'll feel! Actually, last week, my LO smiled at my helper instead of me, my heart's already broken! I know at this age he's not really playing favourites yet, but I'm just so worried. I work from 9-6 and rush home everyday to play with DS before he sleeps (he sleeps in my room). Is there anything I can do to prevent this from happening? Well, I know I should be grateful that I have a good helper and I DO want DS to like her, but.... not over me....
TheQuasimother
Registered User
I'm a mum working full time too.
With the first one, I suffered from terrible guilt and didn't cope really well when my son favoured the helper. My mistake was to follow Gina Ford's routine - baby sleeping early, in his own cot, ... . So with the second one, I threw Gina Ford out the window and she co-sleeps with me, donn't follow a strict bedtime routine especially on the weekends ... .
Sometimes, I have to work late and don't put her to bed, my helper does or I don't get to come home in time to feed her. So with her, I actually see even less of her than my first one. And, the time I have with her, I have to share with my older son. However, despite getting less of me and my time, she has NEVER once (so far) picked my helper. Not because my helper is not a good one. She is. I have attributed her closeness to me to the co-sleeping, the one thing that I do every night regularly. We sleep pretty much nose to nose and forehead to forehead cuddling.
So take heart. If you found something to do everyday that brings 'intimacy' to the both of you, perhaps, she'll want you 'more'. And, know that when they grow older, they know that the helper is just that and mummy is still preferred. My 5 year old is testament to that. He will NEVER ask for the helper, he will always ask mum. When you feel guilty, or bad, just look forward. All that time you spent when they are little, will pay off when they are older and understand. Now, is just temporary affection for the helper but what you do everyday is a form of emotional savings for the future relationship.
With the first one, I suffered from terrible guilt and didn't cope really well when my son favoured the helper. My mistake was to follow Gina Ford's routine - baby sleeping early, in his own cot, ... . So with the second one, I threw Gina Ford out the window and she co-sleeps with me, donn't follow a strict bedtime routine especially on the weekends ... .
Sometimes, I have to work late and don't put her to bed, my helper does or I don't get to come home in time to feed her. So with her, I actually see even less of her than my first one. And, the time I have with her, I have to share with my older son. However, despite getting less of me and my time, she has NEVER once (so far) picked my helper. Not because my helper is not a good one. She is. I have attributed her closeness to me to the co-sleeping, the one thing that I do every night regularly. We sleep pretty much nose to nose and forehead to forehead cuddling.
So take heart. If you found something to do everyday that brings 'intimacy' to the both of you, perhaps, she'll want you 'more'. And, know that when they grow older, they know that the helper is just that and mummy is still preferred. My 5 year old is testament to that. He will NEVER ask for the helper, he will always ask mum. When you feel guilty, or bad, just look forward. All that time you spent when they are little, will pay off when they are older and understand. Now, is just temporary affection for the helper but what you do everyday is a form of emotional savings for the future relationship.
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