Lying Domestic Helpers

[lantau35]

I wondered if other members have had problems with DH easily lying or generally saying something that's only half true. We have been considering hiring our first domestic helper (from the Philippines) but quite a few friends here have told us horror stories about DHs that say they are leaving to go back to their home country and then turn up working in the next street or saying they did some job or another when they didn't (and then just covering their tracks afterwards) etc etc. I also notice that quite a few posts here touch on similiar problems.

I certainly sympathise with the difficult job a lot of DH's have to do in HK (and their tough situation back home) so hope this isn't an unfair question. But I have heard a number of stories one way or the other...wondered if it was a cultural difference maybe?

 

[Konradsmom]

Unfortunately I had first had experience with a DH who had only been with me for 1 week before she lied about where she was going outside of the house ( amongts other things).

A trip to the market for some vegetables ( about 5 minutes walk away ) ended up being a 2.5 hour absence from home. I was concerned about her safety more than where she is, and tried to call her phone to see whether she is OK. Needless to say she didn't answer. She cam back and told me she had lost her ID card on the way........ only found after afterwards that she was off having a rendez vous at a local philppines shop with her friends.

Don't mind them having some private time if they are done with the chores, but at least she could have asked me/let me know instead of putting the relationship to the test.

 

[somebodyfamous]

I think it depends on the helper (ie person) My experience has only been good with DH in Hong Kong.

 

[rani]

Our first helper would always lie. I would ask her to take my son to the playground for a little bit while I finished up some work. Would pop down 20mins later to join them and I could never find them. She would tell me they were there, but I suspect she was taking him to a neighbour's place without my permission.

My current helper is great and is a good catholic. If she fibs, it really bothers her and she confesses after a few days. ;-)

 

[Konradsmom]

Think it also depends on what they fib about - If its about where they take my kids, I don't think I would be able to trust them again.

 

[carang]

i don't hink tha t my helper has ever lied. she's always honest if she wants to meet her friends after work.

we have had a little trouble with her not following expicit instructions and continuing to do things her own way on ocassion....

 

[rani]

Think it also depends on what they fib about - If its about where they take my kids, I don't think I would be able to trust them again.

I didn't trust her either and let her go after 2 years. By that time our relationship had deteriorated, and I was thrilled to see her go.

 

[slamdunk]

I know of more people happy with their Filippina DH's than those who are not. Being really clear about expectations (i.e. she has to tell you where she goes during working hours, answer her phone, say where she takes your kid(s) etc.) helps avoid this situation arising.

Trust is a two way situation (along with respect) - I wouldn't want my boss always questioning my answers and movements...

 

[annahk]

My helper lies about things all the time. However, she does not look after the children, except when they are sleeping, so I try not to let it bother me. I'm just not sure why she does it - it's usually information that she has volunteered rather than given in response to my questions. She always slips up by contradicting herself later. It's never about anything important, so I just don't know why she bothers.

 

[Konradsmom]

True, but its also a matter of whether they are willing to take instructions. if you have laid down specific instructions and they won't follow , or would only sullenly and grudingly follow then its not very good , is it.

Its particularly impportant with DH because they are in your home and with your family - it would be very different if its only in a office situation. You entrust your home, private space, safety of loved ones to them while you are away, and can't really compare with an office employee.

Whats also worrying is that although I have let things go at the beginning ( about where she went without telling me), the fact that I didn't confront her made her think that either I wasn't clever enough to know , or I didn't care, and things got worse. She started making "trips" outside of the house as and when she wanted without my knowing (found out when the security guard once told me that they found my flat door not properly locked).

Even I won't dream of disappearing from the office for extended periods without letting my colleagues know where I am going. Its not so much about monitoring other people's whereabouts, its also about a sense of responsibility.