I have a dead marriage with a 2.5 years boy, I don't know what to do.

not knowing how "dead" your marriage is, very hard to give opinion on what to do.

you should not stay in a abusive marriage. my parents thankfully divorced before i turned 3/4 yrs old. I can't even remember them being married.

if the marriage is "dead" because of no spark or unhappy about the situation then seek counselling first. if it is "dead" because you argue and can't even stand the site of each other divorce does seem like a good idea but if no physical or emotional abuse then should seek counselling before signing documents.

my wife feels our marriage is "dead" since my son was born and i have a different opinion. But i have also told her that if she really wants to get a divorce, not to let our son stand in the way of that decision. staying in a marriage just for the kids is usually not a good idea (my dad is a twice divorcee as he was really abusive to both wives and i think me and my half-siblings are better off not living with him).

to put into perspective, my wife thinks our marriage is "dead" because i am not ambitious enough to start my own business and make a lot of money so i am not her ideal husband. this is not a good reason for divorce.

being a single parent can be hard or easy on both you and your son. but staying in a abusive relationship will be a lot worse.
 
Thank you very much ALL for your advice and being so supportive!

mwong222, it sounds like our situation are kind of similar. Fortunately, my marriage hasn't turned into an abusive one yet. My husband has fooled around with other woman a few times. Although he is still a responsible husband/father, but I lost faith into him and started feeling no longer in love with him. I sense that he feels the same way. We are very different type of person in terms of personality, value of life, discipline and even daily work/rest time table! Those I believed would be complementary in a marriage, now somehow all became the reasons that caused the divergence.

Same as your wife, I feel my marriage is 'dead' since my son was born (for different reasons though). I therefore, would like to know more about your view as a husband and a male. I trust it would help me a lot in making a right decision.
 
is he really fooling around? if yes, then i think you should have left already. my wife thinks i fooling around because we haven't done it since my son was born but i choose not to have sex because my son shares the same bed as us. that is just weird.

i would have left on the cheating alone. only because he will not stop. if he is seeing prostitutes, you also have to worry that he will bring some disease home. if any thing, this is already a good enough reason to seek councilling but i really doubt he will stop (especially since there is no love anymore). I don't consider fooling around to be a responsible husband.

As long as you love your son and are there for him then he will be fine. he will not be fine growing up in an unhappy home.

we got married because she was pregnant. we haven't even dated for 6 months when it happened. this is another reason why she has regrets which i can understand. we also have different personalities, views (because i am american and she is mainland Chinese), culture (i am ABC but still do not understand the chinese customs), and all the other stuff you mentioned (she gives me a curfew just so i will go to bed same time as her). but we do talk things out and work on our marriage for ourselves and not for our son (it also helps that i am pretty easy-going and patient).

everyone's situation is different. i think you should talk to your husband first. then seek professional help if needed. i would only say definite divorce if there is abuse. for cheating, positive maybe (personally i would but that is because i had a bad experiance with an ex-gf who i was serious with cheating on me and she just wouldn't stop no matter how many chances i gave her (love makes people stupid).

this is just my opinion based on my experiances and not a view from a male/husband perspective. you should talk to your friends and family as they know your whole situation better than i do. i can say yes to a divorce because i will be the least affected from it. it would hurt my wife more. if it was the other way around, i may be against a divorce.
 
sorry, cheating (for me) is a BIG no-no... there are no longer just the 3 of you... EVERY woman he sleeps with becomes part of your marriage.

to me, it is emotional abuse... he's telling you that you aren't good enough every time he cheats on you... the scary thing is, it sounds like you are starting to believe it.
hence, emotional abuse. he's lowered your self-esteem to the point that you don't think you deserve to be treated with respect and love.
 
mwong222, same as you, I had never slept with my husband since my son was born. I've seen photos from his cell phone showing him with different girls and once a SMS, no solid evidence showing he has slept with any, but I still believe he has cheated on me given woman's six sense. Similar as you again, I'm from Australia and he is a Hong Kong-er, that makes us even more different on all things.
It sounds you still love your wife. If you wife wishes you to go to bed same time as her, that means she still loves you too and she wants the same love from you.
 
Stephanie it does not essentially mean a wife loves her husband if she wants him to go to bed with her at the same time. It may however mean she is a bit controlling. What if on some nights the husband wants to watch soccer or hang out with buddies?
Secondly your husband cannot be held entirely responsible for lack of intimacy between you two, you maybe equally to blame. Could it be that because he is not getting any emotional or physical support from you (Since your son was born) that he is looking for it elsewhere? By saying that I am not in any way justifying his actions but just want you to do some soul searching yourself. What efforts have you put in to keep your marriage alive??

PS: Ladies please don't read between the lines here. I am just suggesting some possibilities.
 
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it takes two to tango, or not as the case may be. geomum could very easily be right.

i think there are some of us that have a difficult time realising that you cannot replace your husband's role with your child. it is very easy to sometimes neglect the husband in favour of the child. this could cause your husband to feel just that... neglected. he may go off and find someone who doesn't make him feel that way.

i do not condone this, but i can understand it. instead of looking elsewhere, hubby should be talking to wifey about it. and wifey should be listening and not dismissing hubby's protests...

(not to say this is what is in fact happening...)
 
Hi Stephanie

i was a single mother. Its hard but not impossible.

My ex-husdand cheated on me and I never think twice about leaving, my daughter was 6 yrs old then. To make matter worse, my ex did not give me any maintenance and even emptied our joint account. In the end I have to start from stratch all over again. It was really hard but my girl told me she was happier being with me alone rather than having a father who always sneaks out in the middle of the night. My girl is 19 now and all these years my ex have never visited her at all. She is now a happy & lively young lady.

I re-marry again 2 years ago and now I have a 8 months old boy.

i have also sent you a pm.

All the best
 
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