Help - they hate each other!

[0ze_Kid]

My DD's hate each other! The just turned two year old is soo mean and knows how to push my just turned 4 year olds buttons. She yells and screams at her big sister and says "that's mine" knowing full well that it will upset her big sister who will then start screaming at her little sister and saying horrible things that she is learning at kindy!

This goes on ALLLL day and I just do not know what to do to teach the older one how to deal with it. I can't keep giving them both time out as they end up spending all day looking at a wall and screaming at me.

 

[Sandra & Evan]

You're not alone! My 5 year-old son and 4 year-old daughter bicker all day long. No amount of explanations, guidance, or punishment seem to work.

I've recently read a few books about "positive affirmations", and decided that I needed to try a new approach. So instead of saying things like "that's a horrible thing to say", I'll ask my children to repeat after me "I am a nice person. I say nice things." Or if the situation is that they're snatching things from each other, then I'll ask them to say something like "I use my hands to help others and to make beautiful things".

I just started trying this out, so I don't know how it's going to work. But I do feel that by using this approach, I feel calmer myself trying to figure out the appropriate positive affirmation in each case, rather than immediately resorting to negative words and punishment, which often results in escalating emotions on both sides.

 

[carang]

so sorry, A!

i have no words of advice as my two absolutely LOVE each other. they can play for hours without incident. (they did today, no school and i haven't heard a nasty word or cry from either of them!) as a matter of fact, the most trouble i have is when one wants to hold hands and the other doesn't! oh, the tears!


how does distraction work? are you able to distract them from whatever is setting them off?

 

[southside852]

i can only speak from a primary teacher's perspective - why don't you try reading some picture books that focus around either 1) an older sibling and younger sibling 2) books which have a storyline where one child is not nice to another, but in the end, the two become great friends. Off the top of my head:

1. Julius, the Baby of the World by Kevin Henkes
2. Chester's Way by Kevin Henkes (most of Henkes books focus on a lesson or social issues that young ones can relate to)
3. A Pocket Full of Kisses by Audrey Penn

Using a book helps young ones relate to the situation and can often open up discussions without directly asking them why he/she is acting a certain way. From my experience in the classroom with 6 year olds, sometimes the root of many issues comes from: wanting attention from teacher/mommy/daddy, jealousy, testing boundaries, confusion on their end from the adult on expectations, or lastly they are just modeling behavior they are seeing.

This is just a suggestion. Hope this helps!

 

[mushi]

carang, r yr kids both of the same sex??

 

[carang]

nope, one of each. the boy is older.
my brother and i used to fight like cats and dogs. even now, we agree that we love each other very much, especially when we live on different continents! LOL!

 

[MilkMonster]

There is a really good book called Siblings without rivalry...lots of examples of kids who seem to hate each other and how and what to say in the situation.

I don't have kids that are old enough to fight yet, but i did grow up fighting very aggressively with my sister. we used to hate each other...

after reading the book, i now understand a lot of the reasons why there was so much animosity between us as children and it's been really helpful and eye opening to see how parents unknowingly making things worse. I'm in now way saying you are doing anything wrong, just that i am now able to see how my mom struggled with the 2 of us fighting and how her reactions didn't make the situation any better. it's an interesting read and could be helpful to your situation.

 

[MilkMonster]

oh, one thing that i thought was a good suggestion. start the day off with everyone in the family saying 1 thing they like about each person in the family.

 

[carang]

milk... i do kind of the same thing with my older one (the younger one is too small to understand it still)

"do you love mummy?"
"yes"
"why do you love mummy?/is mummy a good mummy?"
"because she teaches me things."

the answers differ every day. i go through everyone in the family. my son is starting to understand and he's really good at coming up with reasons for loving everyone in the house. and as a mum, it's nice to know what he likes about what we do together.

 

[MilkMonster]

Hahahah way to fish for compliments carang!! i am going to try that one with my 2yr old!

I always try to tell my 2yr old that my 9mth old loves him so much and it always makes him beam. In turn he will tell me he loves his brother and will hug and kiss him...hope it stays that way!!! otherwise i will be back on here posting about it!!!