working vs stay at home

[yonge]

I used to work at an investment job 18 months ago, but was involuntarily retrenched one week after returning from my 6 month maternity leave for my 2nd son. Guess the company was not as family friendly for him as after my 1st one, where I took 4 month maternity and another six months of "flex-time", where I worked full-time from 7am to 4pm. Returning to work full-time after my first for tough, especially as I was still 100% breastfeeding (not pumping, as the baby wouldn't take the bottle) but I would rush back at lunchtime to give him a feed. It was exhausting and I can't believe what I had put myself through to keep working. As the hours I spent away from home meant that I didn't nurse him as frequently during the day, he would wake up more at night to feed. The irony is that with the second, he was a better sleeper, took the bottle and I was better rested, but I didn't have to go back to work!

It took me months to feel comfortable being a stay-at-home mom. Moving to Hong Kong helped, as I had to be the one to make all the arrangements, so that kept me busy. My husband had always been supportive of my choice to work, but I didn't realize until I was not working how happy he was that I became a stay-at-home mom. He would rather than we continue to live below our means, even on a reduced income, and for me to be better rested and less stressed. As one working mom put it best, she feels like she's being a 70% employee and 70% mom and feeling guilty about both all the time. He makes a point (and trains the children, I think) to tell me that he thinks I'm being a great wife and mother. However, now that we're on one income, we need to be flexible as a family to accommodate his work demands - and as a result, will probably be moving every few years. Getting the family settled (accommodations, healthcare, schooling, immigration, documentation, church, etc.) is now my full-time job!

 

[mcdill]

OX Jess I can totally relate with your situation. I just turned down a better paying job because it wouldn't have been able to provide the flexibility I needed.

I think if you can afford it financially, why not be a stay at home mum. If you feel you are not making use of your talents, try to think of a way to channel them into other types of activities and pursuits that still leave you time to raise your child.

Unfortunately, it seems that mothers who take time out to raise their children continue to be penalised when they try re-enter the workforce. I read an article recently where someone in that situation was told in an interview "You have young kids, so just stay at home. Mums with young kids are just not committed to working hard."

 

[LeahH]

I work because I have to financially - we are here in HK with my job. That said, I get tremendous satisfaction from my role and after mat leave with 2 kids, I don't think I would be entirely suited to being a SAHM full time.

From a career and $ perspective, I should be exploring other options and what's available in the market. However, I've decided not to do that - I have good working conditions where I am that are conducive to raising my children and I'm not sure any amount of more money could compensate for that. Promotion prospects are not great either, but again, I'm not sure any promotion would outweigh the flexibilty.

I am pretty thankful I am here in HK, in any other country the commute would cut down on the time I do get to spend with my kids and I would probably have to put them into childcare instead of having great help in my own home.

If money were not an issue, I think I would explore something entrepenurial. A small business that could be run flexibly around the kids. Enough to make me feel productive and fire my imagination!

 

[Obiwan]

I read an article recently where someone in that situation was told in an interview "You have young kids, so just stay at home. Mums with young kids are just not committed to working hard."

This is so not correct. It's discrimination!

 

[carang]

well, i HAVE two businesses that are supposed to be "flexible", and they are to a certain extent.

hubby runs a dog boarding service in our home, so he's around a lot during the day. there are times of the year that he's very busy and we don't see him all day, even though he's just downstairs. other times, he's only got a few dogs and can take some time off during the day for trips to ocean park, the library, a museum etc with the kids.

i run a playgroup centre. originally, my plan was to take my kids with me to the classes that i taught, however, now, i just don't have space in the classes. they are too full (not a complaint!!!). i now have staff and the schedule of classes is expanding, which is great. the problem is that the actual in-class teaching is the easy part (for me)... the planning, administration etc takes me probably 40-60 hours per week. everything comes down to my planning, my ideas etc (which is great, but it is quite a lot of pressure).

what causes even more pressure is that neither of us(hubby nor i) have regular income. THAT is the most difficult part of it all. our money comes in in dribs and drabs and that can make budgeting/bill paying a little difficult at times.

there are times that i really wish i could be a SAHM, but i KNOW that i am much happier with what i am doing now. i like the stimulation that work provides, even though it is still child-centred.

i KNOW that being your own boss often means putting everything you have (time, energy, money) into your job. if what you do fails, you have nothing left to fall back on.

whatever you decide to do, it is a different decision for everyone. what is right for me, may not be right for you and visa versa. the ONLY thing that matters is that YOU are comfortable with your decision.

 

[kyojee]

MayC,

I really feel for you! Maybe could loosen up a little on the cleaning (once a fortnight, or half a day in the weekend?)

Cooking for self is usually tiring with all the hassle and cleaning, so I suggest some dinner boxes or cooking large batches like different stews and pasta sauces etc and freeze them. Pack them in ready to eat one-meal portions and then microwave/steam them up!

Some part time cleaning service works wonders. Even if it's just once a month.

I hope you would get more rest soon! =)

 

[OX Jess]

Mcdill: I need to work for very practical financial reason even if I am stuck in a not-much-prospects job. My husband earns more or less the same as me so we simple cannot afford to have 50% family income cut off. Money is not everything but you DO need some...

MayC: I get worn out just by reading what you have to do on top of looking after your baby. Go and think serious about getting part-time cleaning service, something like coming to your flat 3 times a week. They are not that expensive and they can unload so much household chores off your shoulder. Looking after a baby after work is tiring enough, don't over exhaust yourself or else you will fall ill and won't be able to take a good care of your child.

I am lucky because my husband is willing to take care of 90% of the daily housework & cooking, which allows me to pay full attention to care for my baby. I am very grateful to him. But now and again he gets tired after work so we will order some takeaways and leave the housework for the next day. No need to stretch yourself to the extreme! If my husband were unable to take care of the housework, I would certainly get a cleaning service!

Going back to the subject of being a stay-home mum or a full-time working mum. If you are stuck in making a decision between two, I think you can consider the followings:-
(1) First, be practical and think about your family financial situation. In my situation, as said above, I MUST work. Stay-home mum is not on a possible agenda. So my consideration will then jump to (2) what kind of a job I think suitable. I am lucky (again) to have an employer with easy-going mind, offering lots of flexibility. My job nature allows home-office to a certain extent.
Then, what you need to consider is your "personality". If you know you won't be happy without a career, then DON"T quit your job. Continue to work or else you will be extremely unhappy and frustrated in a long run. If you are like me, despite having my mother to look after my son I must insist having at least an hour or so every day to play/talk with my son. In that case, a job requiring me to leave home so early and come home so late does not suit me at all. Some women are perfectly ok to leave their baby to a caregiver all day & night. I am not.

But, don't think being a stay-home mum is easy. If you don't have a family / social network, you may find it hard to get through the day. I have taken a two weeks off from work during the Chinese New Year and spent every minute with my son for two whole weeks. No joking, I was on several occassions on the verge of losing my temper (of course regretted it right afterwards) when I had to deal with a very difficult baby: crying non-stop, refusing all kinds of food/milk, refusing to sleep, wanting to be carried all the time...etc. But I am lucky I have my family here and some friends around to share some ups & downs. If you have no one around, you are literally caged at home all day with a baby, which means you may not have anyone to talk to for all day. This can drive you nuts! I believe, either option has their pros & cons. Good luck with your choice, ladies, I know it's never easy.

 

[ihave3cats]

Hi all,
I quit my job after I decided to have a baby. I wanted to 'be there' esp the early years. Being a sahm is tough.. My days are boring. Gone are the days when I am so busy I couldn't have lunch, reward myself by buying things I like.. sometimes I look at my friends and I wonder if quitting my job then was worthed it, and imagined where I would be if I had stayed on. Of cos on good days with my children, I would feel it's the right choice. On days when they are so unreasonable, I would feel differently.

My major projects now are cooking, cleaning, taking care of children and grocery shopping. Without a helper, it's really quite alot to do.. But i feel empty. I begin to feel that my world is no longer relevant. One day, I realized my conversation with my husband was about comparing grocery prices between supermarkets..can u imagine his boredom?! I graduated with honours, now I am doing this job!

I guess there are no perfect solution to this. Women have to bear the consequences of childbirth- either stay at home, enjoy the kids and wonder what else you could have done with your life. Or, work, and feel guilty about not spending enough time with kids.

 

[AmyH]

Either decision you make will be very tough. Throughout my career I have done both. I am now a stay at home mum with two children. It was not an easy decision to make as I loved my job but in the end I had to choose the one that made my feel less guilty.

I am very lucky that we are in a financial position where I can choose to stay at home while the children are young, and as my husband's job requires him to travel a lot the children have the stabililty of knowing that I will be here for every bed time etc.

I look forward to returning to work some time in the future but for now I consider this to be the best job for me.

 

[carang]

sorry, guys... for those of you "slaving away" being a SAHM and hating it, all because you feel guilty if you work...

don't you think it is better for your children to see a happy, well adjusted mother, who is self-sufficient and fulfilled in what she chooses to do than a bored, resentful woman who hates staying at home and feels useless???

no matter what you do, you will feel guilty. personally, i think it is FAR better for children to grow up with the former rather than the latter.

(if you are happy and fulfilled staying at home, good for you! this is not a slam against you, rather directed at the women staying home because they feel they 'HAVE TO' whether it be because their husband, society, family or she herself thinks it necessary.)