Working mom and guilt

[kiukiu338]

I am a working mom as well. I did feel a bit guilty leaving my daughter home with my maid. Most moms always want to be with her little one, like me, but the fact is that I am the main financial support of the family, if I quit my job, our lives will be totally different. Sometimes I am really jealous when my daughter smiles so sweet to my maid. She is much devoted to her instead of her own mom, but what else can I do beside spending the non-work hours with her?

 

[Zee]

It is all about personal choices. I believe the best parent is the one who keep trying her level best to be a good parent. You can still be the best mom to your kids if you are working full-time. Just make the most out of your free time with them.

I have been a stay-at-home mom for 10 months now. If it is not because of joining my hubby here in HK, I think I would still be a working mom and still not knowing what I could be missing at home. Initially, I thought I would be a full time mom for a few months and start looking for work here once I settled down. Well, it's almost a year now, I am still enjoying every moment of it.

A few of my ex-colleagues said as much as they envy my current full-time mom position, they cannot afford to do so themselves. I feel sorry for them and for their kids. They are trapped by their own lifestyles.

Of course, there are financial sacrifices we have to make. As parents, we have to decide which is more important to us. My hubby and I decided that we just have to live within our means. We live in a 500 sq feet apt. No helper. No international school for my daughter (No big loss here). I still have to look at recipe books whenever I cook. In return, I have the time to take my 2 year old to playgroups, music classes, library, parks. I have the time to bake brownies and chocolate cakes for her. The last 10 months have been an enriching experience for me. For full-time working mothers who are still undecided, give it a try.

 

[ETs]

Jealosy of working mom

How can a working mom not jealosy with the maid and still be close to their kids?
I don't have a definite answer. Since full-time work and parenting are choices to make, we can't have all the good stuff without any loss. 0-2 kids, as far as I know and experience, needs an emotional bonding with the primary or even secondary care-takers, whoever she/ he is. Such security sets up the foundation for other development. My opinion is that we should fulfill as much as we can such a need. If we make a choice for a maid and we go out to work, our kids will not stop having such bonding needs. So, I believe many working mom have not been well-informed of the needs of the kids before they make the choice.
In view of HK economy, many really may have to be a working mom. My suggestion is to include the maid as a part of the family. Don't overload her so that she will have reasonable capacity to stimulate the kids. However, it all depends on her character. Some may take advantage of it. Be happy to be the secondary care-giver. Don't spoil the kids with our money and gifts. They simply need you and your presence. Your good relationship with the maid will be a positive factor for all three parties.

 

[yuli]

I'm currently a junior at HKIS- and I'm writing the Junior Resarch paper based on the book Feminine Mystique and the idea that women would not mind giving up their careers in order to take care of their child. In order to make this research paper successsful, I need to interview mothers. So if you qualify these conditions and wouldn't be annoyed to be interviewed via email, then please contact me at [email protected] Any help would be REALLY appreciated!!

Qualitifcations:
- You worked full time at one point- then decided to give up your career in order to take care of your child full time and will not resume work (3 mothers)
- You worked full time at one point- then decided to give up your career in order to take care of your child full time and will resume work when your child grows to a certain age. (3 mothers)
- You worked full time at one point- then decided to work part time while taking care of your child (3mothers)
If you are interested in participating in my interview for my paper, just drop me an email and I will send you a short list of questions to answer.
Thank you so much!
- Yuli
My topic deals with everything mentioned in this forum, so if you guys are interested please please do drop me an email!

 

[jane01]

Ohhhh yes, I know what you mean. And I only work part time !

Some things which help me ease the guilt/save my sanity are:
* I work 3 days a week
* I work 8.30-5'ish, unless something is really important (about maybe 5 times this year)
* I take my computer home and catch up on work when my daughter is asleep, if need be
* I'm always there when she wakes up and goes to bed and if she wakes in the night
* If I'm home, the helper is not allowed to do anything child-related - I'm the parent

Hope those few suggestions help.

I am about to have #2 and have given serious consideration to giving up work altogether. Work is not supportive of the part time arrangements (despite practically getting a full time job done for 60% of the cost). I'm not progressing at all career wise. Makes me wonder why I bother???? I want to set a good example of working hard to my daughters, but at the same time want to be there for them. I am very conflicted about the whole issue.

 

[Sylvieng]

Hi,

My baby is now 6 months old, and I have taken a long leave from work. It was intended to be for one year, but I'm now thinking of new ways to be able to make ends meet financially and continue to be with my baby.

Before having my baby, I would never have thought of me like that. I guess that motherhood does change a woman.

I just wanted to tell you that even if I'm not in the same situation as you, I really sympathize, especially as I see many of my friends struggling with their career and motherhood, with all the emotions that come with it : guilt, jealousy, tiredness...

I think that the only solution is to tell yourselves that no matter what you do, what is important is that you love your baby, that she/he knows it, and that you do your best. :cheerlead

 

[Lisa Tarrant]

It is good to hear other people are the same as me! I was starting to think I was completely neurotic and half insane.. I was at home for my eldest daughter but had to return to work after my 2nd baby. It half kills me leaving the baby with the helper... I have very strong feelings that it should be me at home but at the same time I enjoy the freedom and independence of working... I also make sure I am home for bath and last feed etc etc but that is quite stressful in itself as I am constantly running out of meetings and looking quite unprofessional... which is why I decided to resign.. handed my notice in but have to work out my long resignation.. not sure if it is the right thing to do but at least I feel a bit better with myself for doing it!

 

[cmnd]

I can understand your uncertainty on your decision to resign from your professional career as I did exactly the samething. if you like to share experience to give you moral support, PM me.

good luck!

 

[ELT]

I work full time and I don't feel any guilt because I know I am working to provide better education and opportunities for my boy. I do miss my boy when I'm at work so I would always get home the soonest I can. At night, we always sleep in same room with the baby (we feel the need to be close to him though I'm not sure he needs us to be there at night!). On weekends, we would give him all our time. We are blessed with a very caring and trustworthy helper. When we are at work, we know the baby is never alone or bored as the helper is there to play with him.

My baby loves the helper. Am I jealous of her? You bet I am sometimes, especially when in the middle of the night the baby woke up crying and he wouldn't settle until the helper came in and held him in her arms -- that really hurt!

My mum worked full time until she retired at 60. Both my brother and I have happy childhood and we never felt neglected because mum had to work. In fact, we both appreciate her working hard to provide for the family and our education.

In HK, not many women have the option to stay home. Many needs to work to pay the mortgage or save up for college fund, so I guess the society does not put pressure on working mums at all. And being born and brought up in HK, I, like most of my friends here feel it is just a natural thing for the mum to go back to work after ML. I never felt any guilt having to work full time!

 

[capital]

I went back to work when my first was 1 for 1 year, and when my second was 10 months old. I felt more guilt the first time. than the second time, primarily because I got over it. My children were cared for out of our home. I never really felt jealous that the children liked the provider better than be because I think there was a clear distiction between home and dayhome. I think if I did have an in home helper I would feel jealous because she would be around all the time and I would feel more threatened that the children would go to her over me. I did feel jealous that I was missing things. This was helper by the provider giving me a little note that would say what they ate, when napped, cute things they did or said, I saved some of them for the baby book.

The hard part for me is that on weekends ( I am too tired in the evenings I work) I then have to clean, buying groceries, run any errands, do laundry, try to cook some decent meals for a change, take care of the children while doing all this, and still I am supposed to have some "quality" time int here with them. On weekdays by the time they are in bed it is 8-830 pm and that is me time, so I don't do any of that then. I just cannot do it all, and I just put in my resignation last week.

1 month to go and I am done and really looking forward to it. I want to be the one to look after the children,I want to be able to take the children to swimming lessons, and soccer, and now I will be able to do those things. I have been back at work 6 months this time, have lost way too much weight and I am constantly stressed, as we also moved during this time, sold and bought a home, took a major trip and was more stress than relaxation. It is nice to work once in a while so I plan to work 1 or 2 evenings/ week, and maybe an occasional weekend, work it around my husbands schedule. I do worry about less money and no pension, but everyone keeps saying I will never regret being home with the children and I think they are right. I think it is about finding the right balance of work/family. Right now I am not enjoying work or home life, so that means it has got to change.

It was a really hard decision to quite. I have always worked. I was even crying when I told my manager. I am so embarrassed about that now! Now that it is done, I feel so much better, it is like a huge weight is off my shoulders