When to tell people...

[Sapphire40]

Thank you! I guess what feels comfortable is not sharing it with people at the moment, it feels way too soon. We go back to the Uk at the end of august which will almost be 3 months so I might tell people then (providing all has gone well).

 

[carang]

inkmink: how in the world did you manage to keep it from your mum? i could not have done that.... i found my mother to be the most supportive person i had, after my husband...but at least my mum had been through it twice...

 

[inkmink]

It was difficult as I had all these questions I wanted to know but had to fight myself from picking up the phone. My relationship with my family aren't exactly close where you communicate often but is based on "unspoken" love - the Asian way. And we were on our own in Hong Kong, only moved here then, so it was "easy" to not let the world know.

I had a lot on my plate to deal with then and last thing I need was additional task in sorting whatever they need if/when they come over.

Actually, I am currently 6 months pregnant with my 2nd. This time, we told both our families around 3.5 months and some friends at 4.5 months. I just didn't want or feel comfortable the first time round but this time, I was ready to share the news earlier.

 

[carang]

wow! i could never have kept it secret! LOL! but then again, i talk to my mum everyday... sometimes twice/day! (even though she's in canada!)

**not saying you were wrong or judging you... more like judging myself... i am currently trying to keep the surprise 65th birthday party i am planning for my mum a secret... and having a very, very difficult time! LOL!**

 

[Gracey]

Congrats! Ours is an IVF baby, too. And now she's a healthy, happy tot. Best of luck to you.
My parents knew right away, since I am very close to them. But other that them and my husband, I told nobody the first two months.
At 12 weeks, I told my boss, who I am also close to and have worked with for many years.
I didn't tell my colleagues till I was 4 months and showing.
I told friends at around that time, when people started to notice.
There's no rush to tell people. It's less stressful in the beginning if you just take it easy and keep it private.
There will be plenty of time later for people to gush over your pregnant belly!

 

[fafreak]

As someone who's had children, I know that I don't like to tell until 13 weeks or so. As such, when friends and colleagues start exhibiting possible pregnancy behavior, I just ignore it - I figure people will tell me what they want to tell me when they want to tell me. As such, perhaps some of your friends will just let you go along despite their suspicions. For others, if you aren't really ready to talk, I've often employed the "husband drama" tactic, where I drop hints about ficticious fights we have, etc (which was easy given the state of my hormones). Of course, this only works if hubby is willing to play along. Drop in a mid summer cold (my pregnancy symptoms were cold like and in fact, I thought my second pregnancy was the world's longest cold) with complaints about air con during HK summer and those who aren't really paying close attention will probably be deflected. Those who are paying attention will hopefully take your hints. But to each their own - I didn't want to tell people but I didn't feel like I could just drop off the face of the earth so I went with trying to throw sand in people's eyes.

And most importantly, congrats and best wishes!!!

 

[Sapphire40]

Thanks! On the telling my mum front - she's not very maternal so we arent close, closer to my dad to be honest but they live abroad so I speak to them about once a month/once a fortnight. I suspect if we were in the same country they would know. I also have felt a bit disappointed by the lack of support from my family during the whole IVF process, another reason for not sharing the news yet. I used to train a lot and dont any more, so at least one person has already asked my husband if I am pregnant. I'm telling people I am just taking time to get back into it after a shoulder operation and 'have had a virus' recently (code for IVF). I'm going to go with the 'throwing sand in people's eyes' for now although some of my friends here who know about the IVF will guess when I see them and they start asking how I am (although luckily many are away for 2-3 weeks). I also just have to accept that I'm going to get noticeably bigger so people at work might guess as well. Thanks for the advice and support!

 

[Honkyblues]

If you're out socially and trying to "throw sand", then always eagerly accept alcohol. Even ask for it! (No one is ever fooled by the "I'm on antibiotics" excuse!). Take a sip (or pretend sip) or two, say, "Mmmm, this is a great wine/beer/cocktail," then put it down as close to your husband's glass as possible and let him finish it off when no one's looking. Or if you're in a crowded bar, then just 'lose' it somewhere and pretend you drank it.

 

[nicolejoy]

First of all, congratulations!

Secondly - this is such a personal issue that there's no "right" or "wrong", but I just thought I'd share my experience...

I've had three pregnancies - the first, it took a year to conceive and then just when I started looking into fertility doctors etc, I fell pregnant naturally. I told everyone as soon as I knew and was happy doing so. I had a healthy, non-eventful pregnancy and a healthy baby girl at the end of it.

The second pregnancy, like the first, I told everyone right away and literally days later (less than a week) suffered a miscarriage. In theory, I liked that people were understanding and supportive - although I did feel a bit foolish having to "take back" my news right away.

The third pregnancy was just a few months after my miscarriage, and due to that, I decided to wait until 13 weeks this time. I announced my pregnancy right at 13 weeks, and again just a week later, we found out that we had complications in the pregnancy. At the time, it was very scary - we weren't sure what the outcome would be. In this pregnancy, I wished that I had told everyone sooner so that we could have celebrated the pregnancy before complications arose. My 2nd daughter was born with a rare form of dwarfism and is currently a very healthy nearly 2 year old - although during the pregnancy, we weren't sure if she'd survive.

When it's all said and done, while most miscarriages do happen in the first 13 weeks, there are always risks and after my experiences, I think I'd still want to tell everyone early rather than later. That way, they can be with you for the journey and all the ups and downs that are on the way. Just my experience

 

[Sapphire40]

Thanks Honkyblues and Nicolejoy,

I told my husband about the drinking strategy, and he looked alarmed and said "But then I'm drinking more than double' not sure what that says about my wine consumption but I thought it was a pretty good strategy! Will definitely try it.

I'm now almost 6 weeks, we had a scan this morning and turns out I am carrying twins so the reality is I will get bigger more quickly, and be able to do less. I was excited when I found out this morning and did find myself actually wanting to tell people so i am going to talk it through with my hubby. His boss already knows anyway as he had to explain the last minute date change for the appointment. My hubby has also noticed that I am not making an effort to see people or keep in touch as much as I used to as I want to avoid the questions but it does mean I am isolating myself somewhat.

There is the element of telling everyone and then things going wrong, fingers crossed but as you've pointed out, Nicole, there are risks regardless. I might wait until 9 weeks, when most of my friends are back from hols and I'll be seeing more of them so it will be hard to avoid, as they know about the IVF (already had one email asking how its going this morning) which sometimes makes me feel like a circus act - everyone is watching to see what happens next.

Thanks for all the advice.