Unsympathetic Husband

[thanka2]

Sometimes, it's important to walk away so that our partners can gain some perspective.

Well said. My husband has really tried to be understanding throughout and has really gotten in there and gotten his hands dirty with diapers. In the beginning when our son was born he was a way better caregiver than I was just because he has unending patience--and, well, he didn't have to go through post-partum physical and mental stuff either.

But, I don't think he really "got" how hard it is to take care of our son, all day long, day-in-day-out until about 6 or 8 months ago when for a week he had to take off of work and be "Mr. Mom" for a week. He actually loved it but at the same time, by the end of the week you could really see in his face and eyes that he was getting worn out and now we have a common understanding of the amount of energy and work that goes into taking care of our son. So, if he comes home and I look at him and say, "The baby drove me crazy all day" he knows its time to take over the shift. I don't even need to say anything more than that. He doesn't protest or try to explain away how I'm feeling because finally he can relate.

So, I totally agree that sometimes you need to "drop the ball." Drop it directly in your husband's court. Just tell him that he may call you irresponsible or whatever but it's time for him to have the experience of dong your job. Walk in your shoes a bit. And especially now that you're getting ready to have another baby--he'd better start appreciating his wife or, well, as they say "If mama ain't happy, then nobody's happy."

And here's some encouragement--sometimes just getting through the day with your baby healthy and your sanity somewhat intact is the greatest accomplishment of all. So what if the damn floor is dirty and the dishes aren't washed and you're having instant noodles for dinner. In the long run it doesn't matter.

 

[reei]

i want to slap his face too..
let me join in.

 

[joyofliving]

Thanka2 I have told him to take care of daughter for a few hours while I go out, he says then why don't I go to his office and work. He says its divison of labour, he works in office while I at home. He is not happy seeing the house dirty, or food not cooked properly. He tells me what have you been doing the whole day meeting friends? He knows its a hard job taking care of toddler but he thinks women have been doing it for ages so why do I fuss.
Cara you are right he has seen his mother being abused and says my life is a breeze compared to her who suffered hell and still did a fantastic job of raising 4 kids.
To go to counselling first of all he to agree there is something wrong with his attitude. He gets furious when the word counselling is mentioned, he is not the kinds who will seek advice from anyone as he thinks he is perfect just the way he is.

 

[yuukalim0404]

does this man earn a lot of money? or is there something that is making you tolerate all these nosense from him?

has he been like these since married or changed after baby was born?

what about your own family are they here in HK to lend you some support? its seems just moral support here in forum may not be enough to get you out of this difficult situation.

 

[joyofliving]

Like I said he is crazy about our daughter and I don't want her to grow up without a father. We planned a second because I didn't want my medical issues to progress further and interfere with the pregnancy. I wanted a sibling for our daughter. I used to share everything with my family but not anymore coz they get very concerned and can't do much anyways. There are days when he behaves well but others when he is an arrogant bull. I don't react most of the times but when it builds up over days we end up having an arguement where I eventually give in and go to sleep.

 

[yuukalim0404]

What can I say? you are amazing,it seems that you already know how you want to handle this despite the odds, and just needs a space to "vent", if this is the case then I am sure this forum will suffice. All the best.

 

[akachan]

maybe just have sex with him sometimes? I know you are uncomfortable and easily exhausted now, but showing some intimacy--even if its just with a hand--might reconnect you guys in some way. (sorry to be so graphic)

it could be what you said earlier, that with a full time maid and everything, he feels you arent doing as much as he is in terms of work (which is unfair to say) and on top of it no intimacy, or joking, talking laughing? could it just be that you guys need to reconnect? maybe go somewhere with him and figure out what made you guys fall in love in the first place. maybe you're both ignoring the other's needs?

If that doesn't work get all of us lined up to smack him in the face!

 

[sea princess]

Oh, geomum, this is crazy. I can feel the stress oozing from you as you post. This is not good for you or your baby - the effects of chronic stress on a developing baby can be detrimental. I don't want to further add to your stress, but you really need to do something. OK I accept you don't want to leave him. No woman would find this an easy decision in your predicament. So have you thought about marriage counselling? It really shouldn't be a suggestion, it should be a condition of staying. You cannot put up with this. From what you have said, he sounds like he is from another planet. I have many more words to describe him if you need it!
I do not accept that his upbringing is responsible for his terrible behaviour. I know plenty of men with violent and/or unloving upbringings, and now they are amazing father's and husbands.

Like many people that have posted, I want to slap him too!

I have a friend that has a similiar case. She has had three children with a man with similiar views and is one very unhappy individual. She has terrible self esteem, never feels good enough no matter what she does in life etc. etc. I keep telling her, "Jane you have had three kids what bigger or more important job is there in this world?" Her children now 7,5,3 years of age have also been adversely affected by the hostility in the home. Her oldest, who her husband was once very good with, is now incredibly critical and harsh with him. It's quite shocking actually. He is 7 and already feels like he is not good enough. He is also angry and has huge issues with friendships with people. Think about it? You might be able to get through it, but can the children?
Please take care.

 

[pooch]

it does take him 'walking in your shoes' for him to see what it life is like for a full time mum. my husband has always been quite understanding, at least he said he was but I could always tell that he didn't really 'get it'.
then one typhoon not long after our second child was born he was working from home - so was tucked away in the bedroom and we were going about our day as if he wasn't there. my 2 year old was having tantrums over nothing, reflux baby was screaming as usual and i was in quite a good mood getting breakfast, lunch, dealing with the usual crap in my day but not overly bothered by anything - i had had MUCH worse days.
he came into the kitchen out of the blue, gave me the biggest hug and said "don't worry, it will get better and you are doing a great job". I couldn't believe it. completely unsolicited and i could tell he finally understood! ever since then if i complain about my day at all i know he now has a point of reference.
He now suggests I leave the kids with the helper a couple of times a week to have some me-time.

Its tough when you are pregnant and so very tired. the novelty of pregnancy has worn off for both of you this time around and it can really impact the way you both handle it!

I wish you the very best of luck. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like for you right now. And given how difficult i found the transition from one child to two (nightmare!) I urge you to try and sort it out now.

...oh..and i forgot to add - i'll slap him for you too )

 

[wanfamily]

erm - can I join the slapping line please..?
Geomum, that lovely girl that your husband adores was brought into the world by you and you deserve respect and adoration for that. What ever you decide, please do remember that you deserve to be happy too.
Take care of yourself.