Unsympathetic Husband

[joyofliving]

I really need some practical and useful advice on this issue, which has been taking an emotional toll on me forever. My husband shows no sympathy or respect towards anything I do. For example I was out and about the whole day with my daughter yesterday, went for her school admission, went grocery shopping and then to HK Park (I am 4 months pregnant). So by the end of the day was very tired and slept early. And what he had to say was why do loafing around if you get so tired.
He thinks I go out for my own fun and not coz our daughter needs to do activities. This is just one incident, of many.
If my daughter refuses to eat (Which is almost always) or wear her clothes/ diaper he blames it on me that I have made her like that. I mean she is 18 months old and its normal for her to rebel. If I tell him I am tired today taking care of her, he says why did you give birth to her if you couldnt take care of her or he says what will you do when the next one comes when you cant handle one. He is so rude I can't believe my ears sometimes. We have no social life coz he hates to go out and that too he blames on me. Infact he thinks I am to be held responsible for everything that goes wrong. If I tell him I am doing the best I can he says your best is not good enough, every other wife does much more, all I do is sit on the computer all day. It brings tears to my eyes hearing that and writing this down. Please advice....

 

[spockey]

I must say that as the one who has a full plate, I can get very unsympathetic with my husband. I guess from your husband's perspective, he has a far more stressful or demanding life. So, going out and about with your daughter is really a piece of cake? He's probably, like me, sometimes green with envy at how much easier it seems for you (in my case, my husband) as you have options. No bosses, no deadlines, no timetable, no sales targets, etc. You can choose to stay in and play or head out or put off what can be done today tomorrow or later.

If you can't resolve it with him, why don't you leave your daughter with a helper (if you have one) or a reliable babysitter once or twice a week and find an avenue for just mummy time? AND, don't feel guilty about it. With a bub in the belly, I'm sure it's even more necessary! Seek small pleasures. Don't just make it about her - make it about you too!

Or, simply have a chat about it to him and if he still isn't receptive, work around it to make it work for you.

 

[Shenzhennifer]

geomum - my husband is a more naive and kinder version of your meanie hubbie, but nonetheless unsympathetic and I feel doesn`t give me any respect either, despite his protests on the contrary.
There`s a show on Discovery House and Home where the spouses(or another family member) switch places for a weekend just to see how hard it is managing the kids/house/meals/bills etc. Why don`t you try that for a weekend? Go to a spa instead. Let your know it all husband show what a big man he is. Next time he says that your best isn`t good enough, that`s when you can let him know that you`ll be going away for the weekend, and see if HIS best is better than yours.
My husband also thinks all I do all day is play with the baby and surf the net. I have a cleaner who comes once a week and I know he thinks that is lazy of me. I haven`t been out on my own for 1.5 years, except to go to yoga once a week, and recently he complained about that.
He also thinks that since he is the breadwinner that he is the only one with a `job`, though he won`t admit these things openly like your husband - it`s more his sideways comments that come out.
I agree with Spockey that you should get a babysitter once or twice a week and get some YOU time. You`re in your honeymoon trimester, and soon enough you`ll be even busier than now. Now is your only chance to get away.
I get so sick of my husband`s attitude sometimes too, that`s amazing you could even make a second baby with yours.
This theme is so recurrent that I wonder how marriages work at all.

 

[LeahH]

I really feel for you - unsympathetic sounds like you are putting it lightly.

Yes, he may have no experience of toddlers and babies and his attitude is based on a lack of understanding. He may think his life is more stressful and demanding than yours, but that is no excuse for cruelty and undermining your partner.

As a working mum with a full plate, I absolutely recognize that staying home with a toddler (and more so with a toddler and baby) is extremely hard work.

Even with the pressure of a demanding job, being the main breadwinner and the sorry state of the financial services industry, I sometimes see going into to work as getting a bit of respite from the madness of home.

However, that is because I've been on both sides of the fence.

Somehow you need to open his eyes to your life and your challenges. He certainly needs to understand typical toddler behaviour so he does not expect so much from your daughter. Also how hard things are going to get for everyone when baby number 2 comes along.

You should of course try to talk it through with him, but what happens on the weekend, does he spend much time with your daughter? Could you arrange it so he has to look after her on his own for the whole day (not just a quick outing). My husband quickly got the picture when I went back to work after maternity leave!

I do agree with Spockey that you should try to take some time for yourself any way you can - that is vital.

Good luck!

 

[yuukalim0404]

Geomum, I sent you a PM, please take good care.

I guessed it really takes a fulltime mum to understand the woes and stress we all go through. "Being in front of the PC" is the only way we manage to get some comfort and validation for all our hardwork and sacrifice!

 

[joyofliving]

We've recently hired a full time helper who worked with us for a week before going to Indonesia for 3 weeks. I sent my daughter with her to the indoor playarea in our building for an hour and my husband thought it was lazy of me and I was trying to escape my responsibility. He told me that I was under no condition to leave our daughter with the helper alone!!!
In the last 18 months I have been out alone on weekends about twice and everytime he threw a big fit. He says I have entire week for frolicking about town so why spoil his weekend by making baby sit. He adores our daughter and takes care of her during weekend but only when HE wants to. I don't deny his life is more challenging than mine BUT demeaning someone day in and day out, making them feel worthless is just cruel and unfair. I've tried talking with him many many times but he ends up saying really nasty things so now I avoid making a big issue of anything.

 

[joyofliving]

To add I've known this helper for over an year, she used to work for my friend/ neighbour, so it wasn't like I was sending her with a complete stranger.

 

[spockey]

There`s a show on Discovery House and Home where the spouses(or another family member) switch places for a weekend just to see how hard it is managing the kids/house/meals/bills etc. Why don`t you try that for a weekend? Go to a spa instead. Let your know it all husband show what a big man he is. Next time he says that your best isn`t good enough, that`s when you can let him know that you`ll be going away for the weekend, and see if HIS best is better than yours.

Geomum, I left my husband for three weeks (for work in Europe so, i could not be in touch except once a day) to manage the household, the domestic helper, pay the bills, care for our son, organise the meals, shop for groceries and he had for the first time in a long time had to go back to full day work. When I returned, he said to me, "Yes, it is NOT EASY being a full time working mum in a stressful job." He's been quite understanding since. So now, when I tell him I need a break, I get one immediately.

Sometimes, it's important to walk away so that our partners can gain some perspective.

 

[carang]

sorry, this may not sound productive, but it sounds to me like your husband really needs a slap up-side the head!

i suggest that you DO go away for

a weekend and leave him to do everything, then he will see what it is REALLY like. a couple of hours is nothing compared to an entire weekend.

as for not letting the helper take care of the child... what the hell did you/he hire her for in the first place? (directed at him, not you!)

honestly, i wouldn't be able to live with a husband like that. i think if i was in your situation divorce would be inevitable.

 

[zac08]

sounds like there's a cultural issue/difference at play here, so i don't think the advice to 'just walk away' and leave your daughter with your husband for a day will fly with him. he'll just get crazy and start spewing out hurtful attacks at you again. obviously it sounds like you've tried and this is the response you get - far from him learning his lesson, he gets all worked up about you 'spoiling his day' by leaving him alone with your child. and it doesn't sound like he will ever see the point, unless you two get some professional counseling. is this something you think he would be willing to do with you?

i really feel for you geomum. my parents had similar issues raising me (i am an ABC; my father was and still is a chauvenistic chinese man, however many years he has and will continue to reside in the US). they never resolved it - in the end they got a divorce and it was better for everyone that way. but they separated because he refused to go into counseling with her - yet another cultural issue there. do you think your husband could be convinced? i can tell he is really hurting you, and this must be symptomatic of other issues which will probably eventually cause a serious rift in your marriage.

i am now married to a canadian guy whose parents were/are straight out of 'leave it to beaver' - very 'normal' by north american standards. the behavior you describe and the behavior which my mother put up with for 18 years is so far removed from his way of thinking that it is really like i've lived in two different worlds. when i describe to him how it was with my parents, he is incredulous. amazing how different two cultures can be when it comes to family life and raising children. of course NOT ALL CHINESE MEN are like this!!!! i absolutely know this. and not all western men are like my husband and his father. but i am speaking in general, in stereotypes.

my point is, it will hard to change your husband's mentality because he was likely brought up and steeped in the belief that the men are the real 'earners' and 'workers' in the family and women have it easy because they aren't expected to 'work'. the only advice i can offer is to push him toward counseling either by a professional OR (perhaps easier) by a friend of the family (a fellow father?) whom he respects but who has a different attitude toward family ilfe and how to respect his wife/mother of his children. maybe have such a person call him to have a chat? with someone like your husband, you do need to be more creative and take a more roundabout route sometimes... somehow i doubt that being the type of person he is, he'd be open to professional counseling.