toddler kissing helper! how to deal with this?

[bagel]

Hello Ladies,

My 2 year old is super affectionate and expresses this as actively as I do in terms of hugging and kissing. I am physically very loving to my son, find him irresistible and hug and kiss him often. Obviously, children will copy their parents, learn from them first, so it is okay as long as he does this with parents but how to tell him or make him understand that it is not okay to do this with the helper?!

If I say to my son "It is okay to kiss parents, but not others" in front of helper when he is doing this, I also have to take into account how the helper might be feeling! Any suggestions for word choice?

 

[carang]

both of my kids are the same. personally, i've never had a problem with it. to me and to them it is just a way to show affection towards a woman who has spent a lot of time with them since they were born.

why do you think it is inappropriate? do your kids hug and kids family that they see once/year? is that ok for you? why are you drawing a line that doesn't necessarily need to be drawn?(i'm not being nasty, just truly curious)

 

[nicolejoy]

I agree with Carang - I think it's sweet that my daughter kisses all her aunties (her friends mums), her teachers, our helper, etc. I would draw the line at her kissing strangers but I don't think she'd want to do that anyway! Do you allow your children to kiss aunties and uncles, or teachers etc? Or ONLY parents? I think whatever you do, you need to be consistent and I don't think it's "fair" to allow the children to kiss everyone EXCEPT the helper... *shrugs* it would be rather confusing to them, I think...

 

[Seb's Dad]

i suppose my question would be why do you feel that it is not appropriate for your child to kiss and cuddle your helper?

do you mean "it's okay to kiss parents but not others?" or do you mean "it's okay to kiss parents, but not helpers?" do you don't want to confuse your child into thinking parents are the only ones it is okay to smooch and then encourage them to cuddle and smooch someone else who isn't a parent.

as usual, i agree with cara...and like her, i hope i don't come across as nasty, i just think you will be able to solve this problem sooner if you give the issue a bit more thought.

 

[mela]

I agree with the ladies above. My toddler kisses my helper and shows her a lot of love which makes me happy as it shows they have a good realtionship and that when I'm at work I don't need to worry.

 

[howardcoombs]

How do you classify and treat your helper? Is she a "worker" or "a domestic servant" or "an auntie" ?

In our household, our helper is an auntie. She is part of our family and gets treated as an auntie; as an auntie she gets the same hugs and kisses that any auntie would get. Myself and my wife also hug them when appropriate (birthdays, xmas etc etc), so the kids follow the same example; no different than any other family member.

You have to set your own boundaries and do whats comfortable for you. If you choose to classify and treat your helper as just a "worker", same as the plumber or the doorman, then kissing would obviously cross the line.

Personally, in line with the other comments above, I prefer treating the helper as part of the family. This inclusion adds to the happiness of the helper and in turn general mood of the household.

HC

 

[mummymoo]

Bagel, I'm like you, super affectionate to my little one as is my husband but we draw the line in terms of kissing on the lips with anyone other than mummy and daddy. That includes grandparents (the first few times they were totally offended when she refused to kiss them on the mouth), my and my husband's siblings (no issues) and god parents (no issues) etc. Kisses on the cheek and hugs are no problems at all for our helper, all of the above, friends of ours and friends of hers. I think what most other writers are trying to say is not to deliberately sideline the helper (because she is a helper) is important, and also giving her her dues for being a great primary carer for your child. It's important for the health and sustainability of you and your helper's relationship.

 

[bagel]

Hi Ladies,

I meant it is not okay to kiss using saliva and drool to kiss helper. He can do that with parents but not outsiders. I am wondering if there is a more effective way to teach my son that it is not okay to kiss her with saliva etc.
Thanks!

 

[joyofliving]

Talk to your son and your Helper separately, tell your son that its not ok for him to kiss people other than mummy daddy and if he wants to show affection towards others then he can hug them instead.
Tell your Helper that you and your husband are not ok with the above situation and if she sees him approach her with a kiss, then she should hug him instead and tell him that kisses are only for mummy daddy.
I would not be ok with with my daughter kissing our Helper. Although I have seen Helpers and kids sharing spoons and straws on several occasions, so basically the helper is passing her germs and bacteria to the kid.

 

[thanka2]

This topic is so interesting to me. Our son kisses our helper but it is totally up to him. He usually gives her a kiss on the cheek. Sometimes he's not in a hugging or kissing mood so he won't hug or kiss anyone. And he only hugs and kisses people he is close with. I think it's only natural that he would kiss our helper as right now for 5 days/week she is his primary care giver during the day. I think it would be strange to forbid him to kiss our helper as we see her as a very close and important part of our family. We view our helper as if she was truly a blood-related auntie. I wouldn't forbid my son to kiss my sister or brother so neither will I forbid him to kiss my helper.

But, I think that this sort of thing has a lot to do with the culture and upbringing of the parent concerning what is appropriate behavior. Some families are quite restrictive about how they show physical affection inside and outside the family and other families are more relaxed. If it truly does bothers you then having a chat with the helper and respectfully explaining your rules is the first thing, I would do. But, be careful to not make it seem like, "Well, you're JUST THE HELPER and it's a BAD THING for my child to kiss you." I don't think it's helpful for the relationship to make the helper feel bad or guilty as if she's done something wrong by allowing your child to kiss her--because, actually, she hasn't. And your son hasn't done anything wrong or bad by showing affection this way either. He has just done what came naturally and children are known for doing that.

I would just explain it in light of culture like, "Where I come from and how I was raised, kissing is something that children only do with their parents or immediate family members so culturally, we'd just like to keep it that way--no offense to you--it's just something about our culture."