Rant: hubby cant watch baby for even half hour!

[purple1]

Sorry this is a ranting post. My husband is never a hands on dad, he can change diaper if needed but just have very little patience.
Yesterday was helper day off. I was feeding dinner to older son so asked daddy to watch 9mth old for bit. Baby is at stage where he is crawling all over and pulling himself up, grabbing everything in sight. So just need to watch him and make sure he is not hurting himself or grabbin dangerous items. But daddy can't handle that, he was obviously bored and uninterested after 10min. The plan was for him to take older boy out for a walk with the dog after dinner so I can put baby to bed. But he couldnt wait that long and interrupted son's dinner and offered to take him out.
I know watching a 9mth old is boring and not stimulating after - I do that everyday! Just really sad he could suck it up just once a week.
He's a bit better with the three yr old but often when I asked him to watch the boy, they will end up watching tv or playing with computer or iPad.
It's Monday but I am dreading Sunday already!
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[Gataloca]

hmmm... just like mine.. playing with the iphone when watching the baby....

 

[mummymoo]

I agree with the posters about hubbies and lack of hands on action. My husband, honestly does more than most hubbies do (comparing with my friends in HK), but a whole lot less than what our friend's hubbies do in Australia. Unfortunately it is the culture here that women tend to take on the heavier load and are expected to grin and bear it. My MIL used to tell me that if I didn't want to make a special effort for my hubby, made too many demands on him ect there were at least a million ladies who would gladly take my place uncomplainingly.......not helpful at all........
It's unfortunate and you hope that you can sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband, and explain to him when you are calm and not so hot headed that you need help too, so that your two children will be well taken care of......

 

[thanka2]

Feel sorry for you ladies. My husband is a local guy but he definitely is a hands-on dad. Even my husband's father who has always been very critical of him (to the point of being downright humiliating) recently told my husband, "You have a good bond with your children." We were all kind of shocked. I don't think it has to be the way it is just because a guy is Chinese or local.

purple1, if my husband acted like that I would be a very unhappy person to live with.

 

[purple1]

I am trying to come to terms with it. I know he loves the kids and love to interact with them. I saw him enjoying playing with my older son more and more as he grows older and can interact.
When I met hubby, I knew he is not a detailed oriented or super caring type and I knew he would never do housework etc. I love many aspects of him and dont expect him to change. But, I still can't help feeling frustrated and upset sometimes......
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[purple1]

And btw, he is not chinese/ Asian
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[thanka2]

And btw, he is not chinese/ Asian
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Guess I was thinking of mummymoo's comment about her MIL which seems like a very Asian MIL comment (based on other Asian MIL comments I've read and heard). Anyway, I guess if you knew what you were getting into with his personality and are okay with it then that's fine. I'm just saying that for me, that would be a serious dealbreaker in our house. And, I would expect my husband to change with the duties of fatherhood--assuming he had agreed to have children with me. I'm glad it's a non-issue with us, though.

 

[ssheng]

I think sometimes it is less to do with not caring, but feeling out of your element. My husband is a proud guy and good at his job, but when it comes to the kids he is a bit lost. Men aren't used to asking for directions (or they just refuse to). Think of it this way, your husband came over to offer to take out your older son. He could have just played on the iPad or something while ignorning the baby rather than tried to be helpful (albeit, misplaced since you were still feeding your older son).

I noticed recently that my daughter and husband learned how to play hide and go seek. Now all of a sudden my husband is super happy to play with her, all electronic devices off, because when she 'finds' him she is so delighted and happy and he feels great...especially since that's a game only the two of them play.

Maybe teach your husband some things to do with the 9 month old, give him more direction, and see how it goes.

 

[thanka2]

Just thinking that parenting is a SKILL and most people (including mothers--and definitely me) are not naturals at it. I guess it's a continuum. Playing with your child is also a learned skill so yes, I think that ssheng has a very good point. If it's not an attitude problem (as in, "I can't be bothered to care") then it probably is a skill deficiency. As long as your husband is open to "being taught" (by you--or even joining a playgroup is a good way to observe and learn) how to engage with his children better (even the baby ones) then that could help but some dads aren't open to that at all for whatever reason. And also, not all men don't ask for directions--my husband is the type that is pretty humble and loves to learn things so he comes at life with the attitude that he can learn to be good at anything as long as he has a good teacher. Yes, thumbs up for attitude+skill=parenting success.

 

[carang]

i have a lot of dads who come to playgroup with their children/babies on the weekend. it's great to see them attempt to interact and engage their kids. but i will say, some come with gusto and are the first ones to be up singing and dancing with me and others i have to really push.... but i do do it, i push them. i explain that kids learn by example and if the parent they are with is sitting like a bump on a log, then that is what their child will do, too. it seems to work and i can get the daddys up and being silly 99% of the time. once they see the other dads doing it, they don't feel foolish themselves.

i think that is another possible aspect. when you talk to a 9 month old, you don't expect a response. it's like talking to a wall much of the time. as such, many dads feel foolish doing it. so they don't and then get bored really quickly and then give up. if the dad can get over feeling foolish and like he's talking to a wall, then he does a better job of it.

i was very lucky, my hubby learned how to interact with our kids by watching me carefully and then he did it himself. i must say, he's a natural. he has an excellent bond with both of our kids. but he's worked very hard at it. he would wake up with them when they were babies and change the nappies before he would give the baby to me to breastfeed. he was eager to give them baths and change their clothes and take them out for walks on his own from the very beginning.

he believed that it took two of us to produce this little wonder and it will take two of us to care for it and raise it... he still holds that view and is now reaping the rewards.