New helper....does not know anything about child care

[pixelelf]

it is tough with my older kid too. he is 3.5 years old and we have a 7 month old baby. our helper came just 2 months before the baby came. at first he was alright with her. played alot and co operated. after the baby came, all hell broke loose. he refused to listen to her. meal and bath times became complete brat behavior training ground. i took over the situation, ate with him, bathed him, played and took care of him as much as i could. his behaviour changed. at times when i couldnt eat with him or bathed him, he accepted that auntie will do it. thing is, it's not my helper's fault. nor is it the baby's. he needed reassurance that she was not my replacement.

when we first had our helper, her main chores were cleaning, cooking, marketing and playing with my son. i wrote down what we did in a day by the hr. so she had an idea what the key things to get ready, like lunch by noon. she did not take over basic care like bathing or feeding for my son, because we both agreed that it may be too sudden for him to accept. so they bonded through play times. i gave her a list of things she can do with him while i napped. i also let her sit with us, be involved and observe how we play. things like art and craft, reading, playing with puppets etc. are great for conversations, jokes and exchanges. (more than "ok" response i think) gradually, she helped with his basic cares after observing us.

 

[Gracey]

It sounds like you're just overwhelmed. Poor you! You have a newborn to care for, too.

Do you expect this woman to be a maid -- taking care of housework, etc., plus some basic childcare, like cooking lunch for your daughter and fetching her from school? Or do you expect her to be a nanny with the educational and emotional skills to really bond and teach your daughter?
It sounds like she's the former.

If you really want someone to take care of your daughter at a higher level -- talking to her, understanding her, reading to her in fluent English, etc., then you might have to hire a PT person with more childcare skills. Is there nobody else in your family who can give your daughter some emotional assurance -- a father, a grandparent, etc?

But if the helper is basically doing her job -- and God knows you need the housework help now, too -- it would be unfair to get rid of her.

Pixie may be right. Maybe your daughter doesn't want to feel like mom is just handing her over to some stranger. Your daughter is too young to understand how stressful being a new mom is -- plus, 3 weeks is really very little time. Maybe, when the worst of the newborn care is over, you can spend some time with your daughter and helper.

Good luck!

 

[lesliefu]

one thing that i think we all need to remember, including myself when dealing with my helper, is that each person has different standards (education, personal, social, etc) and so when working with them "common sense" is NOT so "common". when i train my helper i keep reinforcing that the difference is acceptable about how our child rearing practices might differ, but I always finish with "this is how I feel most comfortable with", "I do this because I would like for my daughter to ..." , " this is the way things have been done in my family since i was small, it kind of seems strange to some people but that's the way i was brought up"....normally that puts the helper at more ease and willing to "listen" to what i have to say. sometimes i even talk with her about the child rearing practices in Philippines discussing different issues and how things are done differently in our 2 cultures. this doesn't necessarily have to be a full on discussion nor does it have to take a lot of time, but a phrase here and a phrase there will go a long way to gaining mutual trust and respect so that a working relationship might be able to develop in the long run.

whatever it is, i believe that with time the rift will dissipate as long as both parties are willing to work at it. it is too harsh i believe to say that one does not know anythingi about child care, what i think is that what they know is not what you had intended for them to "know" and that they failed to meet your expectations which is frustrating...understandable completely. i'm sorry that i have not been of much help - but i hope that perhaps you will be able to see things from a different light.

 

[rs2000]

Hi All,

Thanks for the input.

I do realize that she is trying at some level , atleast she is doign something most of the day...

Its just that she has no idea on how handle my elder kid and is not very keen on learning (i have been telling for for 3 weeks now).........
with my baby, she has abosultely no idea on how to handle infants and i dont want to take any risk witha 6 weeks old now.......so i dont ask her to do anything ......i have tried teaching her the basics..like how to caryy her...change diapers and i dont think she has ever done that before in her life......so i am not going to ask her anything for my baby until she gets 5-6 months

 

[lesliefu]

sounds like a good plan- when my helper was new i just had her take care of my 18mth old and I did everything for the new baby. with #3 i will be doing the same thing - honestly, by the time i teach her i would have completed the task myself! hard work but easier i think cause i won't get frustrated as easily. good luck with everything - i'm sure things will work out fine in the end.

 

[burrcl]

It's very hard if you don't practise anything though isn't it? As someone who is due in 10 days time, I've never held a new born before, never fed, bathed a baby, changed a nappy, but I will have to learn how to do these things, and the more I do them the better I will get at them. If someone isn't given a chance to learn something, and learn from their mistakes, then they never will. How did you learn all these things when you had your first? I'm sure endless nappies will fall off my baby when it arrives, but eventually I'll get there!

 

[Gracey]

rs -- with all due respect, you have to calm down and be patient. 3 weeks in nothing.
my helper started about 3 weeks ago, too. she seems reasonably bright, but is still figuring out the kitchen appliances. and children are much harder than a coffee machine!
you can't blame her for not getting along with your elder child so quickly. and i wouldn't hand a 6-week-old to any helper.
good luck again!

 

[TheQuasimother]

rs2000 - The YWCA (MacDonnell Road) offers cheap classes but you have to book early. Check out their timetable.

The jealousy bit takes a lot of time and effort on our part. My bub is almost one and my son still shows signs of jealousy. It's not manifested in malicious ways of he does direct our attention his way if we are talking about his sister. This, despite the fact that we make a lot of effort to ensure that he gets enough attention.

Good Luck!

 

[carang]

as gracey says, 3 weeks is not very much time for your helper and child to have formed a bond. we have a new helper, too, and she is fantastic, but is struggling with my kids (4 & 6) in that she is having a difficult time getting them to listen to her. i realise that it will take time, that she is not me, and that she needs to feel comfortable saying "no" to my kids and disciplining them. this will only happen with time. it will only happen when she realises that i have her back and will back her up on discipline. that i WANT her to discipline them and not allow them to treat her like a doormat.