Need help with your helper?

[Julie Jacobson]

Living with live-in help may seem like a dream, but it can be a difficult transition if you have never employed home help before.

If you have questions, problems or praises about your helper, I'd be happy to help.

 

[armstroe]

Hi Julie

I bought your book about 6 months ago - I didn't know you could reasonably expect your helper to do so much!

Up until this week we had the same helper for almost 6 years, and after reading the Helper's Helper I decided to try out a few suggestions, such as developing a schedule of cleaning chores around the house.

Our circumstances have changed a lot since our helper joined us (another child, two cats, bigger apartment, and finally me not working fulltime anymore). Your book really helped me clarify what sort of domestic support we now need, and now we are in the process of looking again it's going to make our job of setting out our expectations so much easier.

We were babes in the woods 6 years ago, and our helper really "trained" us. I highly recommend your book as a tool to first time employers (and people like us!). I still think there is probably a need for a similar book for employers too. Any plans to write one????

 

[Julie Jacobson]

Thank you.

I am thrilled to hear you have found "Heler's Helper" so useful. That's why I wrote it!

I have started wrting a new book, more targeted to employers for the US market, as that is where I am living now. But I am pleased to report life is very full and it may take some time.

Again thanks for your support.

Kind regards Julie

 

[rani]

Armstroe,

I know what you mean. We employed our first full-time helper just before D was born and although she's been great with D I would have to admit she's also "trained us" very well.
Her contract ends in a couple of months and I'm going to start interviewing new helpers shortly. Armed with my copy of "Helper's Helper" I'm hoping I'll do a better job at selecting the right person. I've also made out a list of Questions that I failed to ask last time when interviewing. Here are a few:

Do you smoke? (always forget to ask this)
Do you have a boyfriend? (Will we be getting calls from drunk boyfriends in the middle of the night?)
Do you have any outstanding debts? ( I know I'll probably won't get an honest answer. but no harm in trying)

Julie, can you recommend any other?

Thanks
Rani

 

[loupou]

Suggestions

Hi,

I would suggest trying to find a woman over 30 who is either married, widowed, or divorced, with children over 10 years old. With that sort of "demographic" you have less to fear about calls from boyfriends (drunken or otherwise).

I also like to ask them an open ended question about how they would discipline a child.

For example "Let's say you were in the playground and it's time to go home, so you can start dinner. But my child says no, he wants to play. What would you do?" [this is a question for people whose kids are over 2].

Are you willing to follow my schedule?

What do you like to do in your spare time?

Also, since many helpers from the Philippines are very fervent Christians, it might be well to ask her about prosyletzing [sp?]. Since I go to church and so forth, I don't mind my helper talking to my kids about Jesus (or not much) and religion. But, other people might object to this strongly, so you might want to ask her about that sort of thing, or make it very clear from the begining that you do *not* want her to discuss religion with your kids.

Please name a few dishes that you know how to prepare.

Can you speak some Cantonese? [very useful if she needs to go to the market, or for example, deal with workmen who come in to fix things in the flat, delivery people, etc.]

 

[rani]

Loupou,

Thanks again for the great advice. Our helper is over 35 and a widow so I kinda overlooked asking about bfs. :eyesroll:

Questions on discipline...excellent! Will definitely add this to my list.

Thanks again.

Rani

 

[armstroe]

Hi Rani and Loupou

I am still a babe in the wood having just read your questions!

Maybe other members could throw in their top questions as well.

I'm actually thinking of using an agency this time too. Last time our helper came to us from a friend, so you feel you are inheriting certain conditions (well I did). Obviously it is nice to be in the position of having a friend's reliable reference, particularly over issues of how children are treated, and honesty issues.

I guess there are no guarantees that you are going to get truthful answers always, but like the corporate interview techniques, there must be some good questions you can ask to get a more honest picture of the person you are going to entrust with your children and home.

Any more suggestions?

 

[aldougie]

Discipline should be somewhere near the top of the list. I sent our previous helper on the Matilda Helpers Course and they cover discipline. I discovered that she thought that screaming at a child having a tantrum was the best way to sort it out!

For me the most important thing was to ascertain whether she would follow my routines and the way that we interact with our daughter. We like rough and tumble and I couldn't bear the thought of someone cooing 'baby baby' at her or rocking her to sleep so we spent some time coming up with various scenarios that we could ask her about.

 

[loupou]

If you use an agency...

If you use an agency, be very stern w/ the agents and REFUSE to consider anyone who does not have positive references with a telephone number with which you can reach the former employer to ask about the helper's performance.

Last time we did that, it reduced the number of candidates for use to consider to about 3.

If the former employer speaks Cantonese and you can't speak Cantonese, ask a friend to act as your trasnlator (in my case my DH spoke to the Cantonese speaking employers and I spoke to the English speaking ones).

Also, be aware that super-woman does not exist. If a woman is gentle and patient w/ babies and toddlers, she may not be an A-1 cleaner, or strict disciplinarian w/ school-age kids.

If she is a fantastic cleaner and cook, she may not be much of one for playing in the playground w. the kids or making up craft projects to entertain them on rainy days.

Other questions...

Another discipline question - how to deal with bath refusal?

What would you do if my child made a big mess eating crackers and there were crumbs all over the floor?

Are you willing to work to teach the kids to clean up after themselves, even though it is sometimes more time consuming than just doing it yourself?

[Can you tell I have school-age kids?]


*************

Once hired, I made it very clear to my helper that we would not tolerate my kids speaking to her disrespectfully.

I explained the discipline methods we use (sitting on chair in corner, sending to room for 1 minute, denial of being taken out to the playground, etc.).

I used a naval analogy to explain it to her.

"My husband and I are the captain. You are the first mate, the kids are the crew. When we are gone, you are the "Officer on Deck" and the kids should do as you direct them. If not, they are in trouble." (I also explained this to my kids).

 

[armstroe]

HI Loupou

I fully agree with your point about compromising on certain aspects to having a helper. Although the way I feel at the moment, I don't know what I would compromise on. I feel we compromised too much over the last few years.

While I was working our daughter was the priority, so housework became a very distant second. Now the housework is important, because I'm at home for the kids (one school age, the other a baby). One of the very key things is having someone with a pleasant disposition, my husband particularly just wants someone to smile and say hello when he gets home! (yes, I know I should do a better job!!!)

And how do you know you are going to get a happy helper? I'm very depressed about the search already.

Thanks again for your tips about the agencies.