must vent (unsalted butter again)

[solidstars]

hi sorry to do this again but i don't know of a better place where moms from all over the world gather besides geobaby. And this scene kept replaying in my head so I keep wondering if there was anything I could have done besides stay quiet?

anyways as usual today i got up with baby around 8 am and husband got up pass noon (world cup). i fed baby, played with him, he has his nap, etc. Husband gets up and already comments about how the house is messy and he has to clean up after us (like i was sitting around doing nothing all morning?). Husband relatives called to ask if they could see baby, which was fine with me and grumpy husband so we went to the family club.

everything was okay until relatives left, then husband started making snide remarks (deliberately within hearing range of MIL and her friends) about my cooking baby food and how i add 'butter'. I immediately corrected him that it's 'unsalted butter' and it's good for baby. MIL jumps in to lecture about how i shouldn't cook 'westerner' food and that when baby is under her care he eats all the congee she cooks for him by chasing after her for it (at the club he refused to eat the chicken/broccoli porridge I prepared, I think mostly due to the fact that he was too busy playing and distracted by other children, toys, etc).

But according to husband and MIL, baby not eating is because i cook 'western' food that's 'bad' for baby. Although I did briefly mention that baby ate an entire bowl of it this morning at home, i kept quiet the rest of the time because I didn't want to start anything in public and especially not in front of MIL's friends.

What else could I have done? Speak up? Argue back? Tell my husband to shut his lid and remind him for millionth time that WE'RE his family now and that we're supposed to spend the rest of our lives together (not that I'm saying to not spend time with his mom/etc, but you know what i mean) and how are we supposed to do that if he goes running to his mom everytime he doesn't agree with me or quoting her (which is very often).

What would you do? How can you tell what your limit is? Did your husband change after you had a child together?

Sorry I'm starting to wonder if it's only me and I got so 'lucky' to have married someone who changed so much.

My own mom is starting to drop subtle hints about how i might be better off on my own with baby.

anyways unsalted butter background link below (quite long so feel free to ignore): http://www.geobaby.com/forum/thread136251.html

sorry to go on and on, just feeling very discouraged.

 

[shuchisingh]

dont know much except your last two posts.... but honestly why are you with this guy ? i really beleive in trying to make relationships / marriages work - but when it comes to a point like this it really might be healthier (even for the baby) to let it go.

just my two cents....

 

[carang]

it is very difficult, i'm sure for you. i can't even begin to imagine having my skills as a mother so denegrated in front of family and strangers.

honestly, i think i'm starting to agree with your mother's take on the situation.

it sounds to me like your husband is a good-for-nothing whose favourite pastime is to criticise you. he is eating away your self-esteem and i truly fear that soon you will start to believe his bull-shit. Mothers-in-law exist to make their Daughters-in-law suffer... but your husband should be backing YOU(at least in public. if he disagrees with you, he should talk to you about it privately!)

i'm sorry, i don't know what else to say...except maybe your mother's right...

 

[kellyst]

i read the other post and it is frustrating. least he could do is to back you up from MIL, not take the other side. if they are being unreasonable, why don't you just say, you know, "i think the pesticides in Chinese fresh veggies is poisoning my child, hence he's not eating those from now on. it's MY CHILD and I'M the only one who'll be cooking for now, so to hell with Chinese congee from now on." I don't even believe in what I typed just now... but just to vent, say it to him just so he knows how it hurts. It's probably bad advice, but I see the need to just vent.. AT HIM and AT MIL.

 

[Frenchy]

You could eventually let him know that this is going to far, more than you can accept, and that if he tells his mum not to cross the limits, she won't stop loving him.... but you might if he does not. Does he want to spend the rest of his life with you or with his mum ?

 

[TheQuasimother]

Gosh! He's watching "World Cup"! And gets to sleep in too! LOL! You're an angel to put up with it. Sounds like a man who hasn't grown up!

Why don't you just stop going to the family affairs at the Club?
Ask hubby to go on his own if it's just going to be another opportunity to criticize you?

If he insists, tell him how it is.

 

[mcdill]

It is not fair for you to have to cop all the negativity. Your husband and MIL need to recognise that you deserve proper respect as you are the primary caregiver, and more importantly the mum. But I don't know what you can do to make them see that....

 

[southside852]

this must be extremely hard for you - mentally and physically to constantly be berated by your husband. A husband should be supportive, loving and caring. This butter issue seems like a big joke to me and cooking western food is just nonsense. it sounds like to me you are doing a fantastic job as a mother and that he is only hindering you.

perhaps marriage counseling would help? have you confronted him about how you are feeling about his remarks? Like many have mentioned above, this negative environment is so unhealthy for you and for your baby.

 

[baffelly]

Sorry about the frustration you are feeling.
Do you get to spend time alone with your husband since baby was born? It's easy to get caught up with all the big and little things in life with a baby and drift apart. Maybe leave baby with MIL once a week so you and hubby can go out for dinner alone and refresh what you love about each other? It will be a more relaxing environment to talk about how you feel.
Try spending less time with MIL is one way to avoid conflict or build up frustration. When she comes visit, are you comfortable to leave baby with her and you go out for a walk or say " do grocery"? Going out with baby and hanging out with other moms can help you vent too. We can meet up somewhere one weekday morning if you are free.

 

[solidstars]

i keep asking him the same thing too, do you want to spend the rest of your life with ME or your mom? not that i'm saying cut off your mom completely, but she's not the one who's going to sleep next to you at night right?

He seems to take it in a way that means that I want her exiled or him exiled or something.

I HAVE suggested marriage counselling, more than once, he says it's a 'waste of money' even though I have tried so many different reasons and angles already. He just won't go. A friend suggested maybe if i went alone first it might help at least me, but i know (150% sure) that if husband found out he will use it as ammunition in the future (ie. 'you went to a shrink cuz you can't cope'). Plus I don't think it would be useful unless we BOTH went, and I can't get him to go unless maybe tied up and dragged.

I don't have much family in HK, so if i don't go (which means baby doesn't go) to the club, then he'll start the whole 'you are trying to separate me from my family' argument, which in the end i always give in and go anyways to get him to shut up. It's really a matter of which is less painful. I think going is probably less painful so I don't have to deal with him alone at home.

Sometimes I think I'm starting to forget the man I fell in love with and married, since I keep seeing this newly changed man everyday.