Hey there. Yes, I agree that co-sleeping in itself is not a huge issue for most families and kids. In Mainland China most families actually co-sleep. It's pretty traditional. Sometimes they only have one big bed and everyone kind of just crashes there for the night. (Although, I will add that I do not co-sleep with my son--we tried that when he was an infant and even at that time he was the worst bed hog in the world--none of us get a decent night's sleep if we're all in bed together--so for us the co-sleeping vs. not co-sleeping decision was just a practical one).
But, in my understanding, attachment parenting (AP) goes beyond just co-sleeping. You said that you're a firm believer in AP. Could you elaborate a little bit more about what this philosophy means to you? In addition to co-sleeping what types of activities, routines and behaviors do you think are important in AP? I've heard about several different styles or "brands" of AP but I think individual practice must vary a lot from family-to-family.
While I am reading your description of your daughter's behavior this is what I think.
1. She is extremely self-aware and also extremely socially aware. For her to be able to point out 80% of her class and name them and show the initiative to memorize their names and to ask the teacher specific names of her classmates (because she felt rejection from asking the Japanese girl and not being answered, maybe she is not willing to risk that again and figures the teacher is a safer person to ask) is not really "average." (She's a social maven).
I honestly, can't imagine my son (or any of his friends, both boys and girls) caring enough to do that. My son literally refers to every child his age as "my friend." There have been several occasions on the playground in Hong Kong when he approached a child and said in Cantonese, "Friend, do you want to play?" and the child yelled at him rudely, "Get away from me!" He wasn't just ignored but was forcefully told he was not welcome or wanted (made Mama Bear want to tie those nasty kids up by their toes, though!).
My son's reaction was more of confusion than anything--he just looked at me like, "Well, that's strange....what should I do now?" And I just reassured him with, "Come here, honey, that little boy doesn't want to play." My son didn't give it a second thought and just happily went about minding his own business.
2. So, it seems that she may also be suffering from some social anxiety as she can't control the reactions of her classmates. Whereas some 3-year-olds (my son, for example) just brush off those types of cold reactions from other kids and it literally doesn't phase them at all--she is internalizing all of this and it may affect how she sees herself.
She probably is also making an extra effort (by memorizing names etc.) to try to navigate this social scene and it may be really hurtful to her that her classmates just aren't responding like she expects. I guess it is a good lesson to learn in life that we can only control our own actions--not the responses of others.
Since she seems very verbal and mature--this probably is a good place to start debriefing with her every day after school about what her classmates do and how that makes her feel. The situation might not improve very fast--meaning, the classmates might not warm up to her for whatever reason but you can still talk her through it and reassure her every day. I don't think this is a one-time, fix-all situation where you're just going to discover one key thing and all of a sudden everything will line up. Maybe it will--but in case it doesn't, it's better for her know that talking about how she feels and accepting things that are unpleasant is a big part of life.
3. She is what people called me when I was little: "precocious." I was always "wise beyond my years" and I definitely fit better in the adult world than with a lot of peers. Part of this is because of the way I was raised when I was little--always around adults--parents had a few friends with kids but it wasn't like my mom was out there arranging regular playdates for me. I always took myself and other kids very seriously--maybe because I was used to "serious adult talk" so the words and actions of children around me impacting me a lot more than other kids. Also as a first-born child I felt a need to be perfect and people's opinion of me often was how I could judge whether I was performing well or not. The fact that your daughter's classmates aren't warming up to her and anxious to be her friend (for whatever reason--cultural, language barrier, difference in personality, their own shyness) probably makes her feel like she's "broken." Especially, if in her other social circles (ballet class) everyone gets along well with her and she feels "popular" (by a 3-year-old's understanding of that/standards).
Again it totally reminds me of this line from the Dr. Seuss poem/book "Oh, the Places You'll Go!"
It's hard for any child to deal with being alone and as Mama's we want to make it all better and protect our kids from hurt at all costs. Of course, there is that fine line--if the situation is truly damaging we have to step in but I think you're doing what's right by cautiously observing.
4. Finally, my thoughts are that this kindergarten might not be the right fit for your daughter. Sometimes things just don't work out. It doesn't mean there is a problem with the school, the classmates or even your daughter--it just means that it might not be the ideal environment for her to learn in. She may need a smaller class size even if it means going to a less "prestigious" or "famous" school. If I were in your shoes, I would give it until the end of the term, though (unless it just becomes unbearable for your daughter and you). It may be hard to switch schools right now anyway because you know how funny HK schools are about admission dates etc. But, it's totally fine to say to yourself, "This school isn't the best environment for her and we're going to try again."
But, in my understanding, attachment parenting (AP) goes beyond just co-sleeping. You said that you're a firm believer in AP. Could you elaborate a little bit more about what this philosophy means to you? In addition to co-sleeping what types of activities, routines and behaviors do you think are important in AP? I've heard about several different styles or "brands" of AP but I think individual practice must vary a lot from family-to-family.
While I am reading your description of your daughter's behavior this is what I think.
1. She is extremely self-aware and also extremely socially aware. For her to be able to point out 80% of her class and name them and show the initiative to memorize their names and to ask the teacher specific names of her classmates (because she felt rejection from asking the Japanese girl and not being answered, maybe she is not willing to risk that again and figures the teacher is a safer person to ask) is not really "average." (She's a social maven).
I honestly, can't imagine my son (or any of his friends, both boys and girls) caring enough to do that. My son literally refers to every child his age as "my friend." There have been several occasions on the playground in Hong Kong when he approached a child and said in Cantonese, "Friend, do you want to play?" and the child yelled at him rudely, "Get away from me!" He wasn't just ignored but was forcefully told he was not welcome or wanted (made Mama Bear want to tie those nasty kids up by their toes, though!).
My son's reaction was more of confusion than anything--he just looked at me like, "Well, that's strange....what should I do now?" And I just reassured him with, "Come here, honey, that little boy doesn't want to play." My son didn't give it a second thought and just happily went about minding his own business.
2. So, it seems that she may also be suffering from some social anxiety as she can't control the reactions of her classmates. Whereas some 3-year-olds (my son, for example) just brush off those types of cold reactions from other kids and it literally doesn't phase them at all--she is internalizing all of this and it may affect how she sees herself.
She probably is also making an extra effort (by memorizing names etc.) to try to navigate this social scene and it may be really hurtful to her that her classmates just aren't responding like she expects. I guess it is a good lesson to learn in life that we can only control our own actions--not the responses of others.
Since she seems very verbal and mature--this probably is a good place to start debriefing with her every day after school about what her classmates do and how that makes her feel. The situation might not improve very fast--meaning, the classmates might not warm up to her for whatever reason but you can still talk her through it and reassure her every day. I don't think this is a one-time, fix-all situation where you're just going to discover one key thing and all of a sudden everything will line up. Maybe it will--but in case it doesn't, it's better for her know that talking about how she feels and accepting things that are unpleasant is a big part of life.
3. She is what people called me when I was little: "precocious." I was always "wise beyond my years" and I definitely fit better in the adult world than with a lot of peers. Part of this is because of the way I was raised when I was little--always around adults--parents had a few friends with kids but it wasn't like my mom was out there arranging regular playdates for me. I always took myself and other kids very seriously--maybe because I was used to "serious adult talk" so the words and actions of children around me impacting me a lot more than other kids. Also as a first-born child I felt a need to be perfect and people's opinion of me often was how I could judge whether I was performing well or not. The fact that your daughter's classmates aren't warming up to her and anxious to be her friend (for whatever reason--cultural, language barrier, difference in personality, their own shyness) probably makes her feel like she's "broken." Especially, if in her other social circles (ballet class) everyone gets along well with her and she feels "popular" (by a 3-year-old's understanding of that/standards).
Again it totally reminds me of this line from the Dr. Seuss poem/book "Oh, the Places You'll Go!"
It's hard for any child to deal with being alone and as Mama's we want to make it all better and protect our kids from hurt at all costs. Of course, there is that fine line--if the situation is truly damaging we have to step in but I think you're doing what's right by cautiously observing.
4. Finally, my thoughts are that this kindergarten might not be the right fit for your daughter. Sometimes things just don't work out. It doesn't mean there is a problem with the school, the classmates or even your daughter--it just means that it might not be the ideal environment for her to learn in. She may need a smaller class size even if it means going to a less "prestigious" or "famous" school. If I were in your shoes, I would give it until the end of the term, though (unless it just becomes unbearable for your daughter and you). It may be hard to switch schools right now anyway because you know how funny HK schools are about admission dates etc. But, it's totally fine to say to yourself, "This school isn't the best environment for her and we're going to try again."
There's always the sofa, right? hehe