I would like to hear what is the going etiquette around Lai See in Hong Kong. DO you always give to people who are unmarried, or should you stop if they are of a certain age, or if they are relatives, you must give anyways? Is it true if you are married you give2, and if you are no longer married you give 1, what are the usual amounts you put in them? Is it different for adults vs. children? I feel a little silly giving them to my brother in law who is older than me but is younger than my husband, he is in his mid thirties, what if he never gets married, do we still give them when he is 70?
Lai see Etiquette
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I too found this confusing when I was first married.
Basically when you marry you take on the age of your husband, so would give to all your husband’s unmarried, younger siblings and everyone in the younger generation whether they are married or not. (I’m guessing this isn’t an issue for you yet but give it time and it will be! It means that as you get older it becomes quite expensive.)
The amount really depends on what you can afford. Most people give notes so $10 note or $20 note is usually. Some rich people give $100. I believe this was one of the reasons why everyone was against getting rid of the $10 note.
My daughter stayed a couple of nights with a friend in Taiwan one New Year and was given $100 lai see packets by the friend’s relatives. All her siblings were jealous that she’d got so much more money then they had.
Also you give lai see to your own children the night before the New Year and again after the New Year. So my father-in-law gives to all his children plus the spouces and all the grandchildren (and maybe soon to the great grand children too).
If you and your husband are together then you would both give one packet each but if your husband wasn’t with you then you’d give two packets (one for you and one for your husband).
Also remember that when someone gives you a gift at Chinese New Year (like a box of chocolates or a box of fruit when you they visit you) you must give a lai see packet to them as a thank you.
When I was first married many of my husband’s aunts and uncles were still alive and so I still collected quite a few lai see, and his family came to visit us on about the 14th or 15th day (the visiting goes by age hierarchy). Now many of this older generation have died and I only get two lai see and the family comes to visit us on the 2nd day.
When my youngest sister-in-law got married some years ago I was asked to recite a poem and brush her hair (quite an honour). This was because I was proved very fertile with two daughters and two sons, had potential long life as both my parents ware still alive and also I was then the eldest female in the family. (I’m no longer the eldest female in the family as my older brother-in-law has since married and although his wife is at least 15 years younger than me she now has that honour!)
Hope this helps some,
SARAH
Basically when you marry you take on the age of your husband, so would give to all your husband’s unmarried, younger siblings and everyone in the younger generation whether they are married or not. (I’m guessing this isn’t an issue for you yet but give it time and it will be! It means that as you get older it becomes quite expensive.)
The amount really depends on what you can afford. Most people give notes so $10 note or $20 note is usually. Some rich people give $100. I believe this was one of the reasons why everyone was against getting rid of the $10 note.
My daughter stayed a couple of nights with a friend in Taiwan one New Year and was given $100 lai see packets by the friend’s relatives. All her siblings were jealous that she’d got so much more money then they had.
Also you give lai see to your own children the night before the New Year and again after the New Year. So my father-in-law gives to all his children plus the spouces and all the grandchildren (and maybe soon to the great grand children too).
If you and your husband are together then you would both give one packet each but if your husband wasn’t with you then you’d give two packets (one for you and one for your husband).
Also remember that when someone gives you a gift at Chinese New Year (like a box of chocolates or a box of fruit when you they visit you) you must give a lai see packet to them as a thank you.
When I was first married many of my husband’s aunts and uncles were still alive and so I still collected quite a few lai see, and his family came to visit us on about the 14th or 15th day (the visiting goes by age hierarchy). Now many of this older generation have died and I only get two lai see and the family comes to visit us on the 2nd day.
When my youngest sister-in-law got married some years ago I was asked to recite a poem and brush her hair (quite an honour). This was because I was proved very fertile with two daughters and two sons, had potential long life as both my parents ware still alive and also I was then the eldest female in the family. (I’m no longer the eldest female in the family as my older brother-in-law has since married and although his wife is at least 15 years younger than me she now has that honour!)
Hope this helps some,
SARAH
Thanks for the info. It helps a lot. I do have some questions though.
So I would give to my brother in law since he is single, but once he is married I don't give him one anymore, but to his children (in the future) I would give them whether or not they were married. Am I understanding that right?
When you say you give to your own children after new year again, do you mean the next day, the first day of teh new year, or do you mean after all the days of teh new year time period?
Who usually takes the responsibility to know who to give them to, to buy them, to stuff them, the husband or the wife?
This is all very interesting. I don't really have anyone to ask because my husband seems to not know all the "rules". His mom tells him who he needs to give to, or will give on our behave, which I don't like. My cantonese is not good enough to ask anyone in his family what to do.
So I would give to my brother in law since he is single, but once he is married I don't give him one anymore, but to his children (in the future) I would give them whether or not they were married. Am I understanding that right?
When you say you give to your own children after new year again, do you mean the next day, the first day of teh new year, or do you mean after all the days of teh new year time period?
Who usually takes the responsibility to know who to give them to, to buy them, to stuff them, the husband or the wife?
This is all very interesting. I don't really have anyone to ask because my husband seems to not know all the "rules". His mom tells him who he needs to give to, or will give on our behave, which I don't like. My cantonese is not good enough to ask anyone in his family what to do.
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So I would give to my brother-in-law since he is single, but once he is married I don't give him one anymore, but to his children (in the future) I would give them whether or not they were married. Am I understanding that right?
Yes that’s right.
It gets quite expensive for the older generation. We would help out my mother-in-law (who had no income of her own) by giving her a monitory gift about three weeks before the New Year.
When you say you give to your own children after new year again, do you mean the next day, the first day of the new year, or do you mean after all the days of teh new year time period?
We give our children their first lai see before we travel to my father-in-law’s on the eve of the New Year. And we get lai see from my father-in-law during or straight after the dinner before the youngsters start heading out for the evening parties.
We give the second lai see when we see the children again after the New Year. If we go straight home from my father-in-law’s this will be on the morning of the New Year. But often we go to a party at a friend’s home and see the new year in there. So we give our children their second lai see when we start to give out to all the children at party (usually within 5 minutes past mid-night).
Who usually takes the responsibility to know who to give them to, to buy them, to stuff them, the husband or the wife?
I don’t think this matters – just whoever does that sort of thing in your family/relationship. Usually I go to the bank and get the new notes because it is easier for me to get to the bank during the day than for my husband. Likewise I’ll ask at the bank for the empty lai see packets. I usually go from one bank to another, everywhere we have an account, and get as many packets as possible. The first year we were married we actually got ones with our names printed on them but now we use the ones from the bank. The only ones I refuse to use are the ones my sister-in-law gets from Wyeth – this is just a lactation consultant thing!
We usually spend an evening watching TV when the children are either in bed or out (my eldest is now 19 years old) filling them up. We tend to have different prices depending who they are for and give my nephews and nieces more than for other children – then you have to remember which are which!
As Cara pointed out on top of giving to the children or younger generation you give to those in your employ as well. And if you are employed you will receive one at work – this you will get on your first day back after the holidays.
When I had a local helper we would give her a 13th month before she left for her Chinese New Year holidays and then a lai see the first day back. I really liked having her to help look after my children as they got a lot of local language skills and local culture from her that I wasn’t able to give. The only down side was she always wanted a long holiday at Chinese New Year.
My husband usually tells me who I should give the packets to if I don’t know. I get confused who is in what generation with all the cousins, especially his mother’s brother’s family. His uncle had loads of children and some of my husband’s cousins are now grandparents, so we give quite a few people who are married but in the next generation. As I said earlier this might not be an issue for you yet – but in time!
I believe that my mother-in-law may have told my husband who to give to in the first years of our marriage but no longer.
I do find the family connections amazing. I once went to a wedding and my husband was telling me who everyone was. It seemed to me that everyone was related to the groom. In the end I asked if there was a problem as none of the bride’s family were at the wedding. Then I learnt that the bride was related to the groom as well. But my husband being Chinese only told me of the relationship to the groom.
Best wishes,
SARAH
Yes that’s right.
It gets quite expensive for the older generation. We would help out my mother-in-law (who had no income of her own) by giving her a monitory gift about three weeks before the New Year.
When you say you give to your own children after new year again, do you mean the next day, the first day of the new year, or do you mean after all the days of teh new year time period?
We give our children their first lai see before we travel to my father-in-law’s on the eve of the New Year. And we get lai see from my father-in-law during or straight after the dinner before the youngsters start heading out for the evening parties.
We give the second lai see when we see the children again after the New Year. If we go straight home from my father-in-law’s this will be on the morning of the New Year. But often we go to a party at a friend’s home and see the new year in there. So we give our children their second lai see when we start to give out to all the children at party (usually within 5 minutes past mid-night).
Who usually takes the responsibility to know who to give them to, to buy them, to stuff them, the husband or the wife?
I don’t think this matters – just whoever does that sort of thing in your family/relationship. Usually I go to the bank and get the new notes because it is easier for me to get to the bank during the day than for my husband. Likewise I’ll ask at the bank for the empty lai see packets. I usually go from one bank to another, everywhere we have an account, and get as many packets as possible. The first year we were married we actually got ones with our names printed on them but now we use the ones from the bank. The only ones I refuse to use are the ones my sister-in-law gets from Wyeth – this is just a lactation consultant thing!
We usually spend an evening watching TV when the children are either in bed or out (my eldest is now 19 years old) filling them up. We tend to have different prices depending who they are for and give my nephews and nieces more than for other children – then you have to remember which are which!
As Cara pointed out on top of giving to the children or younger generation you give to those in your employ as well. And if you are employed you will receive one at work – this you will get on your first day back after the holidays.
When I had a local helper we would give her a 13th month before she left for her Chinese New Year holidays and then a lai see the first day back. I really liked having her to help look after my children as they got a lot of local language skills and local culture from her that I wasn’t able to give. The only down side was she always wanted a long holiday at Chinese New Year.
My husband usually tells me who I should give the packets to if I don’t know. I get confused who is in what generation with all the cousins, especially his mother’s brother’s family. His uncle had loads of children and some of my husband’s cousins are now grandparents, so we give quite a few people who are married but in the next generation. As I said earlier this might not be an issue for you yet – but in time!
I believe that my mother-in-law may have told my husband who to give to in the first years of our marriage but no longer.
I do find the family connections amazing. I once went to a wedding and my husband was telling me who everyone was. It seemed to me that everyone was related to the groom. In the end I asked if there was a problem as none of the bride’s family were at the wedding. Then I learnt that the bride was related to the groom as well. But my husband being Chinese only told me of the relationship to the groom.
Best wishes,
SARAH
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The other thing that I didn?t mention is that my husband makes the children say little Chinese rhymes before he gives them the lai see. This is normal (and something that happens if you watch the Cantonese TV). I always learn a couple to say to my father-in-law. Things like wishing him a strong and happy life. My family never want anyone to say the same rhyme twice so I always try to get in first, otherwise I?m really stuck.
My husband also gets the children to make the Chinese decorations. They seem to enjoy using the pens and writing on the red paper and then sticking them up around the house. And my husband makes the one for outside our front door. His is usually some sort of political statement which I only understand because he explains it to me. He also makes me a special slogan decoration for the Kitchen God ? as I am always in favour of as much help as I can get in cooking.
SARAH
My husband also gets the children to make the Chinese decorations. They seem to enjoy using the pens and writing on the red paper and then sticking them up around the house. And my husband makes the one for outside our front door. His is usually some sort of political statement which I only understand because he explains it to me. He also makes me a special slogan decoration for the Kitchen God ? as I am always in favour of as much help as I can get in cooking.
SARAH
Yes I?m English and my husband is Chinese born in Hong Kong, although his parents came here when they were young from Southern China.
I?ve been living here for nearly 21 years and I think there are loads more mixed couples (even our way) then there were 10 years ago.
Iin my children?s classes at school about one quarter to one third are from mixed families.
I have met you, if only briefly, at Queen Mary about six weeks ago.
Best wishes,
SARAH
I?ve been living here for nearly 21 years and I think there are loads more mixed couples (even our way) then there were 10 years ago.
Iin my children?s classes at school about one quarter to one third are from mixed families.
I have met you, if only briefly, at Queen Mary about six weeks ago.
Best wishes,
SARAH
carang
Registered User
Yes, i remember you Sarah.(i've been in 2 times again since! YIKES!) i see so many mixed couples but usually the other way round, chinese women, white men.
what's funny with my hubby is that i'm usually the one wanting to try to follow chinese traditions. when we got married, i spent hours and hours researching on the internet all of the customs. i then had to explain TO HIM what they were and what they signified! his family has never really maintained the traditions. hubby said that his mum used to pray at the temples but found it didn't work so quit! his brother and his wife are Jehovah's Witnesses... so they don't follow ANY traditions.
IT seems up to us to keep them alive in his family. My hubby and his immediate family are not very close to the cousins etc. My MIL is an indiginous villager and there have been too many arguments over land and $, so she rarely talks to most of her family.(she's the only girl and only gets along with the youngest brother, who is still a bachelor at 60 years old.)
what's funny with my hubby is that i'm usually the one wanting to try to follow chinese traditions. when we got married, i spent hours and hours researching on the internet all of the customs. i then had to explain TO HIM what they were and what they signified! his family has never really maintained the traditions. hubby said that his mum used to pray at the temples but found it didn't work so quit! his brother and his wife are Jehovah's Witnesses... so they don't follow ANY traditions.
IT seems up to us to keep them alive in his family. My hubby and his immediate family are not very close to the cousins etc. My MIL is an indiginous villager and there have been too many arguments over land and $, so she rarely talks to most of her family.(she's the only girl and only gets along with the youngest brother, who is still a bachelor at 60 years old.)
I think family traditions are important. I don’t think it really matters if they are old cultural ones or ones that you make up for your own family to do. It is the doing and being together as a family that is the important bit.
When I was first married my mother-in-law misunderstood my Cantonese (or maybe I just said the wrong thing!) and she went away with the idea that in England families got together on Boxing Day to celebrate rather than Christmas Day. So my husband’s family came to visit us on Boxing Day and have done every Christmas since. This party has turned in to a huge family tradition that everyone looks forward to. I mix traditional English Christmas food with Chinese winter food and we all eat loads and have a special visitor for the children. Even this has turned in to its own tradition as each year someone different dresses up as Father Christmas.
I’ve even infiltrated the Chinese festivals with my silly ideas. Early in my marriage my husband taught me to make the traditional “law bat go” (white radish cake). So now each year I make as many “gos” as I can. My favourites are pumpkin go and taro go. But we make dan go (cake), shut go (ice-cream) and chocolate go (better known as brownies).
I’ve always had the idea that the more festivals the better so our family celebrates all the English ones and all the Chinese ones. And if someone comes to visit we’ll very happily celebrate their festivals too.
Before I came to live in Hong Kong I read a couple of books about Hong Kong history. I was amazed that I knew so much more local history than the people I met here. I found out that local Hong Kong history wasn’t on the syllabus when most of my Hong Kong friends were at school. So they learnt more about English and European history than Hong Kong history. Maybe that is one of the reasons that so many of the old buildings have been knocked down.
When my mother-in-law was alive she visited a temple in Lantau on the third day of Chinese New Year. She would say enough prayers that day for the whole year. I rather liked the way that the religion she practiced was so accommodating to allow this.
Best wishes,
SARAH
When I was first married my mother-in-law misunderstood my Cantonese (or maybe I just said the wrong thing!) and she went away with the idea that in England families got together on Boxing Day to celebrate rather than Christmas Day. So my husband’s family came to visit us on Boxing Day and have done every Christmas since. This party has turned in to a huge family tradition that everyone looks forward to. I mix traditional English Christmas food with Chinese winter food and we all eat loads and have a special visitor for the children. Even this has turned in to its own tradition as each year someone different dresses up as Father Christmas.
I’ve even infiltrated the Chinese festivals with my silly ideas. Early in my marriage my husband taught me to make the traditional “law bat go” (white radish cake). So now each year I make as many “gos” as I can. My favourites are pumpkin go and taro go. But we make dan go (cake), shut go (ice-cream) and chocolate go (better known as brownies).
I’ve always had the idea that the more festivals the better so our family celebrates all the English ones and all the Chinese ones. And if someone comes to visit we’ll very happily celebrate their festivals too.
Before I came to live in Hong Kong I read a couple of books about Hong Kong history. I was amazed that I knew so much more local history than the people I met here. I found out that local Hong Kong history wasn’t on the syllabus when most of my Hong Kong friends were at school. So they learnt more about English and European history than Hong Kong history. Maybe that is one of the reasons that so many of the old buildings have been knocked down.
When my mother-in-law was alive she visited a temple in Lantau on the third day of Chinese New Year. She would say enough prayers that day for the whole year. I rather liked the way that the religion she practiced was so accommodating to allow this.
Best wishes,
SARAH
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