I've sent my maid away because of my in-law.

[fly]

Yun yun,
I am not sure what you mean they "both stand in all this", but whatever you do, I would suggest you get the concensus of your Sister-in-law and hubby, so you can at least try to present a united front in this situation. I think your MIL is playing the guilt card (not uncommon) so you guys should call her bluff. If she will be happier in her home in the mainland, and you will be happier with the maid, what is wrong with that?

 

[joannek]

:bighug i sympathize with you, yun yun. but i agree with fly. sounds tough, but this maid has been with you for soooooo long. and if you hire a new one, this is gonna start all over again. unless you can live without a helper, this one who's been with you for soooo long is your best bet. at least, there's no doubt of her integrity & your hubby & your sis-in-law will trust this helper too. if you get a new one, there's so many uncertainty the situation will get worse.

best of luck!!

 

[loraine]

Its sounds like a situation where it 's impossible to please everyone, so you will need to consider everyone's needs and feelings in making a decision. This includes the needs of your baby - how is you mother-in-law coping with a baby and the household chores? Would your child be better off with your long-serving and trusted helper? Trust is so important with childcare.

 

[HKfornow]

Yunyun, my kneejerk reaction to your post is. . why send away the maid, send away the ingrate MIL! That's what I would like to do in an ideal world, however, this doesn't help you as you are in the proverbial rock and a hard place. My sympathies.

It is tough to be a daughter-in-law of an opinionated lady, but tougher to be the son who is caught in between a mom & a wife. So on top of everything, you need to try to keep your cool. (this is definitely not easy & eating shards of broken glass is easier to swallow).

I doubt if your MIL will back down from her stance, therefore, hiring back the old mail would not solve your problems, however, if you are willing to hire a new maid, perhaps have your hubby talk to his mom and tell her that this new maid will be beneficial in helping her out so she won't feel that you've" pushed all the works for her to do"). She will realize this is a face saving solution for her (in effect you are not perceived to have chosen the old maid over her, and she has the chance to "supervise" a new one). I hope it all works out for you.

 

[somebodyfamous]

Oh Yun Yun what a terrible predicament. It sounds like your MIL is a little out of control and maybe emotionally unbalanced since the loss of your FIL. Are you comfortable with her looking after your son?

Does she have friends her own age? Can you appeal to them to explain to her? It sounds like HKforNow suggestion may be the best alternative for you all.

 

[mlgs]

If you can afford it, I suggest to get a small one bedroom flat close by for your MIL. That has worked wonders for us.

MILs usually have the hangup of being the perfect woman of the house , the master of her domain, for as long as our hubands have been living. It is very hard for them to have to live with someone else under their rules. If they have their own place, then they feel like they are in control of their lives - they can have their own food when they like, how they like it, with whomever they want.

It's been great for us since my children can still see their grandmother anytime because she is close by, they even have sleepovers! MIL is in a better mood, better dressed, and more tolerant - plus she can still babysit occasionally. We still talk to her everyday, and if there are any prblems, we come over. But we are not in each other's faces. I don't have to see her bedroom habits and she doesn't have to see mine.

And you can get your helper back.

 

[Lawrence]

The Helpless You

Yun Yun,

I really, really symphathize your situaion. From your messages, I did not see you mention about your hubby. I think no matter how they (including his sister) were used to your in-law's temper, they are, especially your hubby, supposed to looking after your feeling and emotion. I mean they or all you guys really need a talk over the matter. I have a maid as well but only for around four years. The reason for keeping her with me is something I am satisfied with, not to mention yours was there serving you since your own birth for 25 years. I presume that she is an excellent maid.

But very honestly she is just a maid and she would leave your family and return to her own place at the end of the day. I think the most important bit for you to look into is the relationship between yourself and your in-law. The loss of your maid must have caused certain damage to you all. From the angle of your in-law, haven't you or anyone had tried a peaceful or quiet talk with her, not necessarily be of something around your lost maid, try something like understanding her thought about raising kids, her needs, etc. Show your respect and love to her. Let her know how much you care about her (I thought that is true right !! but you guys hadn't spelt this out due to her so-called strange character). She will be with your family for quite a period of time right !!? until... something unfortunate happens when she leaves the world. In other word, she is part of your family (at least now she is). You maid raised you up but your in-law raised your hubby up.

All in all, I suggest communication & love

 

[hazmom]

Unfortunately, I'm in a similar situation like Yunyun. I'm looking for a replacement for my maid.

Any recommendation of agencies for a maid?

Thanks.

 

[yuenyuen1126]

May be I'm poorer than you. I hired EIGHT maids within 20 months! No one maid can work with my mom more than 3 months. Most of my money spend in agency fee, airline tickets and one-month-notice salary to the maids.
I have a full time job so my 2 kids are being taken care of my mom. She is 65 years old. In order to share her work-load, I hired a maid to help her when I was going to have 2nd baby. But the nightmare began on the first day a maid came to my house....
Each day when I'm back home from work, my mom keeps telling me: the maid is lazy, not obedient, dirty, hide in the toilet for a long time, use half an hour to cook a simple meal, forgetful (eg. forget to switch off lights after going to toilet, like to answer back....).
Actually, when I have not stepped in the house and stays outside, I can hear my mom scold the maids heavily, sometimes I could hear they are quarrelling if the maids have the guts to answer back.
It's terrible! My son is 3 years old. At this stage, he learns to speak by what he listens...
But sometimes it is very quiet. My mom stays in the kitchen for cooking or in the toilet for washing clothes (she hates the washing machine: the clothes can't be washed thoroughly and wastes too much water) and asks the maid to looking after my 1-year-old daughter in the sitting room. Of course, the maids like it so much because they just do NOTHING in the sitting room. When I ask my mom why she is doing that? Why don't you look after the kid by your own instead of the maid? She starts to complain...they are lazy, inefficient, I can't wait her to spend long hours in the kitchen to have a meal. They wastes so much detergent and water to wash clothes...So I just do it by myself.
I have tried countless methods to improve the situation, e.g. hired a Cantanese speaking maid, let my mom to choose a maid from an agency, briefing is given to the maid before she starts to work with my mom, tell them to respect my mom, when my mom say yes, they cannot say no....
go to wong tai tin temple for fortune telling (i.e. Is Mary a good maid? Can she works with my mom smoothly....) But no one works.
I have thought that sometimes the problems may come from culture conflicts and miscommunication, so I have hired a local maid (very expensive). Unfornately, I received same complaints....

 

[SyL]

Oh, wow. I'm sorry for the women currently experiencing problems with the in-laws. This helps me envision a possible future scenario. One thing for sure both wife and husband must establish rules and enforce them TOGETHER. It's completely unfair to force problems with in-laws on a new mother!

I am not Chinese, but my husband is and already he has to tell his mother that nothing will be given to our baby without the doctor's consent. The thought of hiring helpers concerns my MIL (what if they steal something?!), but my husband immediately lets her now her complaints are unwelcomed. What's worse is I can't communicate with the in-laws, but my husband trusts me enough to take care of our baby the way I know how, not the way his mother raised him. I'm glad he takes my side at all times.

Good luck to all those ladies that are forced to deal with in-laws.