barbwong_130
Registered User
There is lots of literature on both sides.
Some, in opinion, is just totally cruel. It can?t possibly be right to leave a tiny infant to cry at just a few weeks old. At this age his wants and his needs are the same. And following such a routine is disastrous for breastfeeding. You will notice that most of these books say they are pro-breastfeeding (After all who would buy them if they said that following their schedules meant you have an 80% chance of a formula fed baby at one month?)
But as the child grows the question becomes more hazy. A two year old?s wants are not always his needs. But in my experience children revert to being much younger when they are too hungry, too tired or too ill. My children have been quite grown up and able to hold real conversations at two but only when they were happy. When they weren?t happy it was all tears and no sense.
And then you have the needs of the parents as well. Obviously a compromise has to be formed. This will be your state for the next 18 to 20 years. I think it is better to have a compromise where no one is so upset that they revert to tears ? whether that be the child or the adult. And generally an adult is able to ask for help more easily than a child can.
Everyone seems to be into schedules and crying it out these days. But my eldest is now 18 years old and very few people in Hong Kong were doing this when she was a baby. So she was brought up with no real routine and no crying. As I worked during the day I actually wanted her awake in the evenings rather than in bed at seven o?clock. So she usually went to bed at around the same time as I went to bed. In order for her to manage this she had long afternoon naps ? and carried on having them until she was nearly seven years old. I loved this because at the weekends it gave me a long break in the middle of the afternoons.
If she was tired then often I?d lie with her but sometimes I wanted to watch TV and then she sit on my knee to go to sleep and I?d put her bed during the adverts. Other times I wanted to go out and then my husband or the babysitter would get her to sleep ? everyone seemed to have a different way that worked for them.
As this was successful with my first child I?ve carried on with my other three. By the time my third child was born my eldest was in school and so needed to sleep earlier. This just happened without any problems because she was really tired by nine o?clock. My younger children also started going to bed earlier because their elder sister was a role model for them. So the cry it out method isn?t a necessary evil. It is possible to enjoy life and not resort to using it but it might take an attitude change from the parents. Raising children takes time and you have to be willing to give that time.
A lot of the cry it out books I worry me, especially their rigidness and the threat, ?you follow my way or there will be disaster?. It plays on the fears of new mothers. What is wrong with letting a child have his way when he?s tired or upset? The time to teach a child sometime is when he is happy and can understand the concept. This is true for adults too. If you are there and have nothing else to do what harm is there in giving in to the wants of the two year old and lying with him until he goes to sleep? Sometimes I run the bath and make a cup of tea for my husband ? not because he needs me to do these things but because I?m there and he wants me to. Do you think I?m spoiling him? It seems to me that often people forget that babies and children are people too.
My other criticism of the books is that they are very bound in their own culture. It is traditional in Hong Kong for children to sleep with their parents ? I did and so did my husband. It is also traditional for children to have long afternoon naps and the local kindergartens here still put children as old as six years old to sleep for 90 minutes each day. But books I?ve read tell you never to sleep with your children as bad habits form and to get rid of the afternoon nap as soon as possible. There seems to be no recognition that all around the world different people bring up their children differently and yet everyone grows up.
There are cultures where babies aren?t allowed on the ground until they are able to walk but are carried around all day until about 12 months old! It sounds strange to us but how can we say it is wrong when it works for them. My belief is that if you follow your heart then you can?t go too far wrong and a working compromise will be settled on. Mothers who are in tears while trying to follow the rules of another are in fact going against their mothering instinct and the result can?t be good for anyone.
When parents talk they mention two age groups that are the worse, the terrible twos and teenagehood. I haven?t found these ages any harder than the rest. Yes my two year olds were testing my limits but it seemed easier to say no you can?t play with the knife than it was to say no you can?t have a cuddle to go to bed. And I truly believe that my attitude to them as little ones has formed the basis of our good relationships as they have grown into teenagers. My teenage children are happy to talk to me and often seek me out to confide in. When our wants clash we try to work out a solution that everyone can live with even if everyone isn?t happy. This takes two way communication and the sooner it starts the better for everyone. Thus I?m a firm believer in talking to my babies and explaining things ? even before they are able to fully understand.
In bring my children up I?ve tried to keep the big picture in mind ? what was I hoping for? I want children who can make good decisions about what they want to do and not be reliant on me making them for them. Thus I?ve tried to meet their basic needs but focused more on developing their self-esteem and confidence. I put importance on their independence and self-sufficiency but at the same time try to provide them with protection and boundaries.
I?m sorry that I?ve gone on and on but your comments touched a nerve and once I started I couldn?t stop.
Best wishes,
Barb
Some, in opinion, is just totally cruel. It can?t possibly be right to leave a tiny infant to cry at just a few weeks old. At this age his wants and his needs are the same. And following such a routine is disastrous for breastfeeding. You will notice that most of these books say they are pro-breastfeeding (After all who would buy them if they said that following their schedules meant you have an 80% chance of a formula fed baby at one month?)
But as the child grows the question becomes more hazy. A two year old?s wants are not always his needs. But in my experience children revert to being much younger when they are too hungry, too tired or too ill. My children have been quite grown up and able to hold real conversations at two but only when they were happy. When they weren?t happy it was all tears and no sense.
And then you have the needs of the parents as well. Obviously a compromise has to be formed. This will be your state for the next 18 to 20 years. I think it is better to have a compromise where no one is so upset that they revert to tears ? whether that be the child or the adult. And generally an adult is able to ask for help more easily than a child can.
Everyone seems to be into schedules and crying it out these days. But my eldest is now 18 years old and very few people in Hong Kong were doing this when she was a baby. So she was brought up with no real routine and no crying. As I worked during the day I actually wanted her awake in the evenings rather than in bed at seven o?clock. So she usually went to bed at around the same time as I went to bed. In order for her to manage this she had long afternoon naps ? and carried on having them until she was nearly seven years old. I loved this because at the weekends it gave me a long break in the middle of the afternoons.
If she was tired then often I?d lie with her but sometimes I wanted to watch TV and then she sit on my knee to go to sleep and I?d put her bed during the adverts. Other times I wanted to go out and then my husband or the babysitter would get her to sleep ? everyone seemed to have a different way that worked for them.
As this was successful with my first child I?ve carried on with my other three. By the time my third child was born my eldest was in school and so needed to sleep earlier. This just happened without any problems because she was really tired by nine o?clock. My younger children also started going to bed earlier because their elder sister was a role model for them. So the cry it out method isn?t a necessary evil. It is possible to enjoy life and not resort to using it but it might take an attitude change from the parents. Raising children takes time and you have to be willing to give that time.
A lot of the cry it out books I worry me, especially their rigidness and the threat, ?you follow my way or there will be disaster?. It plays on the fears of new mothers. What is wrong with letting a child have his way when he?s tired or upset? The time to teach a child sometime is when he is happy and can understand the concept. This is true for adults too. If you are there and have nothing else to do what harm is there in giving in to the wants of the two year old and lying with him until he goes to sleep? Sometimes I run the bath and make a cup of tea for my husband ? not because he needs me to do these things but because I?m there and he wants me to. Do you think I?m spoiling him? It seems to me that often people forget that babies and children are people too.
My other criticism of the books is that they are very bound in their own culture. It is traditional in Hong Kong for children to sleep with their parents ? I did and so did my husband. It is also traditional for children to have long afternoon naps and the local kindergartens here still put children as old as six years old to sleep for 90 minutes each day. But books I?ve read tell you never to sleep with your children as bad habits form and to get rid of the afternoon nap as soon as possible. There seems to be no recognition that all around the world different people bring up their children differently and yet everyone grows up.
There are cultures where babies aren?t allowed on the ground until they are able to walk but are carried around all day until about 12 months old! It sounds strange to us but how can we say it is wrong when it works for them. My belief is that if you follow your heart then you can?t go too far wrong and a working compromise will be settled on. Mothers who are in tears while trying to follow the rules of another are in fact going against their mothering instinct and the result can?t be good for anyone.
When parents talk they mention two age groups that are the worse, the terrible twos and teenagehood. I haven?t found these ages any harder than the rest. Yes my two year olds were testing my limits but it seemed easier to say no you can?t play with the knife than it was to say no you can?t have a cuddle to go to bed. And I truly believe that my attitude to them as little ones has formed the basis of our good relationships as they have grown into teenagers. My teenage children are happy to talk to me and often seek me out to confide in. When our wants clash we try to work out a solution that everyone can live with even if everyone isn?t happy. This takes two way communication and the sooner it starts the better for everyone. Thus I?m a firm believer in talking to my babies and explaining things ? even before they are able to fully understand.
In bring my children up I?ve tried to keep the big picture in mind ? what was I hoping for? I want children who can make good decisions about what they want to do and not be reliant on me making them for them. Thus I?ve tried to meet their basic needs but focused more on developing their self-esteem and confidence. I put importance on their independence and self-sufficiency but at the same time try to provide them with protection and boundaries.
I?m sorry that I?ve gone on and on but your comments touched a nerve and once I started I couldn?t stop.
Best wishes,
Barb