How helpful is the daddy in taking care of your baby?

[LeahH]

Hunter I don't think you are alone - many people have this problem. How old is your baby? Some men find it difficult to engage with their babies when they are very young and not interactive. Once the kids are a little older and develop a personality, they get more involved.

That said, it does sound like you have a problem brewing and need to find some way of addressing it. Do you have friends with young children, can you go out with them as a group and have your husband see the way the fathers interact first hand?

Ideally you need someone he respects to speak to him about making an effort, not just to bond with the baby - but also to help you more. What sort of relationship does he have with his father, can you speak to your MIL, or maybe one of his close friends who has children?

 

[spockey]

Hunter

Don't fret. Could he be very tired? If he has an equally demanding job, it's understandable. I work full time and i do know that when I come home sometimes, I just need some down time before I engage in an activity with my son, after the usual greetings when I return. On those days, my son goes off to the playroom or playground with his dad so that I have time to catch my second wind. By the time they've returned, I'm ready. I don't feel guilty about needing my down time.

As for regrets, I totally understand but think about how wonderful it's been having your child in your life. Take a break if you know you're about to reach your physical limit. Do you have a helper? Leave your child with the helper while you go for a cup of tea/coffee. Otherwise, meet some friends/go for a walk when he's home... even for just an hour.

 

[megan2008]

How does he respond to your requests? Does he get mad? What are the reasons for his disinterest? I agree, that it would be helpful to talk to his mother in law. How assertive are you when you tell him what you need; do you cave in a lot when he doesn't give you what you need? It is hard to cope with, I agree. It also can be very overwhelming and I am sure you have a lot of anger towards him as you are the one doing most of the work. But, try to stay calm and figure out why he isn't helping.

 

[Shenzhennifer]

I wonder if it also depends on what culture your husband is, or what kind of culture he was brought up in. My husband is Japanese, and I pretty much knew what was entailed before I married him.
He prefers that I don`t work, which at the moment, suits me very fine. He`s very much the ` I am man, I work for my family` kind of guy.
As for our baby, I`m just kinda glad we had a boy bc I don`t think he`d know what to do with a girl - though there`s not so many things you can do with a 3 month yr old boy anyway...
During the week, I do everything, except for the odd diaper change in the morning before he goes to work. But in the mornings he also might take the baby for a bit if he has time, or we will all lie in bed together. On the weekends, he is the Diaper King. He also bathes him, and knows all the basic things, like how to strap him in his stroller, how to dress him, etc. He might not do everything how I would, hehe, but he gets it done.
As for playing, that is the hardest. He is still finding his feet, in that respect. His best idea of playing is to bring the baby into bed with him right after the baby has had a nap. So I have to monitor sometimes and give suggestions that he might not just want to watch the baby play from the comfort of the couch, but maybe get down with him. But I think as the baby gets older, he will get more comfortable with his role in that way.
All in all, I am pretty satisfied. For any shortfall he has about baby maintenance, he makes up for with giving love to his son, whom he is in complete awe with.
But, Hunter, I also feel like I look at him totally differently since the baby was born (a whole new thread altogether), and when he pulls his weight more, I like him more, and when I am rushing around the house doing laundry, changing diaper bins, getting diaper bag ready, and he is having a beer on the sofa with the TV on, then I don`t even want to be near him. But I am the type that really lets him hear about that.
There`s no excuse for a lazy husband/father. I would really try to take control of that situation as best you can, before you either divorce him or lose your mind.

 

[southside852]

Hunter, have you ever just asked him point blank about why he doesn't want to be with your baby? maybie that would help start a dialogue between you two. rather than sugar coat it, just be explicit and up front about your feelings. it's obviously a problem and it's just going to get worse.

 

[carang]

my husband's best friend was totally not into his son when the son was a baby. however, as someone mentioned above, as the baby got older and developed his personality, his father became more engaged. i don't think he changes any diapers or such, but he is much more involved and does play with the baby and take the baby to playgroups etc.

i agree with southside, you need to talk to your hubby, and be direct, but not complaining. if it comes across as nagging you won't get very far. a lot of the time, fathers don't understand what is involved in raising a child and taking care of a baby. they don't understand that there are a million things to do, very little sleep and even less appreciation. that is probably what you are feeling... lack of appreciation.

 

[louisouis]

Dear Hunter,

You are not alone. My husband is very passive too. Basically whenever he reaches home he takes on a HORIZONTAL FORMAT. Which means that he basically vegetate on thye sofa watching TV. He does engage with the baby when the baby is all nice and happy but runs a mile when the baby is being stroppy or out of sorts. I understand how you feel. I also hold a full time job which is extremely demanding and of course his job is also very demanding but I am expected to know everything aboutthe baby. The worst thing is my husband likes to lisen to others and is always asking me things like why is the baby not like this or that, when he had not really participated in the actual nurturing and development of the baby. I basically think he is a 'good time' dad. Then again he is good at baby proofing the house, I presume this is his own way of engaging with the baby. As he is a very traditional local guy, I think he is very emotionally undeveloped and basically the feminist movement does not exist for him!

 

[Hunter]

Thanks a million mommies. I am surprised to have received such an overwhelming response for this topic. Really thankful for all the advice and sharings.

it's kinda late now, will comment more tomorrow. good nite, my friends.

 

[southside852]

have you tried family counseling Hunter?

 

[Hunter]

no. I haven't, southside 852.

He is now supporting the family solely, and he is stressful I know that. I guess at the moment, I should not make his life more miserable.

I just hope to get back to the workforce asap to sustain life.

sorry to have somewhat "downgraded" this site, as all seem to be very well-off families.