how do you handle parents who love to brag?

[fennho]

i agree with carang about HOW you said it, the choice of words and the tone. But if it's simply a conversation between 2 mothers discussing the development of our babies, then i'm totally fine with it. In fact, being Asian myself, last time i used to smile and just downplayed my DD's devt and praise the other, but i read that it's actually bad for your little one (esp at my girl's age - 22mths) as she's beginning to understand the things i said...downplaying it and praising another kid will make her feel insecure and have no confidence in herself. A little praise from the mother when they're at a hearing distant will surely boost their self confidence and self esteem. BUT i'm also conscious not to be labelled a "braggy mom" so i do try to compliment her abilities and not highlight the things she cant do yet. But beforehand, i do discuss this with the mom i'm talking to so we all know we're not being braggy but simply trying to boost our kids' self esteem and confidence?

 

[aussiegal]

I agree that we need to praise our children but there is of course the theory that too much praise or inappropriate praise is as bad. I don't see anything wrong with praising another child in front of your own child. It teaches our children that other kids are worthy of praise too and are special. Otherwise our kids will become little emperors who think they are the best and can't see the talent or good in others.

 

[Buckeroo]

I don't see anything wrong with Cara mentioning about her girl's vocab... I think every parent is entitled to feel some sort of pride at their children's achievement (no matter big or small).

I'm definitely not saying that you stand on the rooftops and shout out your child/ren's achievements or bore your friends to tears by enumerating your child/ren's achievement every time you see them or rub their faces in it. I think we just need to be a bit sensitive to how others feel and know when enough is enough. On the other hand, if we are on the receiving end of what we perceive as intolerable parental bragging, let's just keep in mind that people are entitled to be pleased and happy about something and they are entitled to "share." If we tire of hearing about it all the time, we can always smile politely and tune out. Believe me, they will get the message soon enough.

 

[reei]

so far , i have not praise my child to someone else . dont see why i should let another mother knows,, i am proud of my child because of what she did.. i just praise my child directly " i love the way you share toys with xxx , just now, i am proud of you".. but usually when no one else is around.. hehe.. the people that i brag to , is my mum, my mother in law, my hubby, they'd be concern of my daughter's development.
also, as for those really comparing for the sake of comparing.. "when did you daughter quit night feeding? my son quits ages ago, already when he is one month old.. quit automatically, i didnt need to train him.. bla.. bla.. bla.." usually i just answer what they asked, and no comment whatsoever, when they start telling me about their son.. how come they still dont get the message?

 

[nicolejoy]

I personally think it's unhealthy NOT to praise your child to other people. Like Fenho was saying, many Asians go as far as to downplay their children's achievements. If someone compliments their child, they will say "No, actually they're really naughty/not very smart/etc". Children NEED to grow up knowing that their parents think that they are special, smart, important etc. So in that respect, a certain amount of "bragging" if you can call it that is healthy and necessary. It's completely unhealthy for a child to grow up thinking their own parents don't think they are good enough. And I know MANY Chinese people who have that problem, and all the self-esteem problems that go along with that. So please, brag on your kids every once in a while!!

 

[Buckeroo]

Or you can try a slightly more direct approach... Short of telling them outright, next time they do that, make a joke and hope that they'll get the message. Something like, "Wow, I hope my other friends/parents/in-laws aren't bored to tears. I'm forever telling them my child did this and that every time I see them, whether they asked or not. Sometimes I can't help myself, but I need to remember that they might not be as "into" my child as I am!"

Good luck.

 

[reei]

i guess the point is, other ppl is not really into your kid.. and this is really not a sin.
i was given the enlarge photo of their kid to put in my home.. in which i politely refused, then they asked my hubby to take it back. back then, i thought this is hk culture..

 

[Suv]

Someone gave you an enlarged photo of THEIR son to put up in YOUR house?!! That is just hilarious. Since they really don't get it- then slowly not hanging out with them is your only option. Anything direct, they would be get even more/ very confused........

 

[carang]

i guess i tell people about my children because i'm a teacher of very small kids. i use my kids as examples, both good and bad.

i think the problem stems from exactly what aussiegal said... when one praises THEIR OWN child, the other mother feels like THEIR CHILD is being put down... this is not always the case and only demonstrates the second mother's insecurity.

i use my children as examples, to show other parents (many of whom have no experience of children other than their own) that there is a HUGE range of "normal"... for example, when their 2 year old is acting up, i can say offer suggestions on how to deal with it (believe me, there are LOTS of people out there that have no clue)... then i can say, "every child is different. my first was an angel of a baby... only 2 tantrums from birth until 3 yrs... but then the terrible 2's hit... when he was 3!"

they feel like they can relate and know that they are not alone.

as for my daughter speaking... i have used it when saying to parents (whose child is not yet talking at almost 2 yrs of age) that my daughter spoke so early (what i wrote above), but that my son only knew a handful of words when he was the same age. it doesn't make one smarter or more clever than the other... they just learned things in a different order and at different speeds... now when you see my son and speak to him, you would never know that he didn't speak full sentences until almost 3...

i think it all comes from the INTENT of the speaker. i think you can tell when one is just BRAGGING or when one wants a meaningful discussion on child-development.

 

[aussiegal]

i think the problem stems from exactly what aussiegal said... when one praises THEIR OWN child, the other mother feels like THEIR CHILD is being put down... this is not always the case and only demonstrates the second mother's insecurity.

Hmm, maybe it's a cultural thing. I.e. I'm British/Aussie. For us it is poor form to go on about anything, especially ourselves or our children. So when I hear parents bragging or talking incessantly about their children's achievements I do normally feel like there is some sort of comparison going on between my child and theirs or even their child and every other child in the world (some parents do really think their children are the best in the world!) but I don't feel insecure at all. I mean, I have three children so I've seen a fair bit now and I'm intelligent enough to know that children develop at different paces and have different talents. Further, what one parent thinks is important I might not care about at all. One of my kids has great vocab and speech, another is great at sport. To me, both are fantastic traits to have.

Unlike Carang, I actually tend to think that the 'braggy' parent is the insecure one. Insecure not in their child but in themselves and now finally they have found a way to make themselves feel better. But this goes with my theory that parents that brag are really trying to point out how amazing they are as parents to have raised such a brilliant child!

I'm sure this is one topic we will not reach a consensus on:smile: