Hopeless, still holding my son to sleep at 14 months

[adahc]

Yes I am guilty of holding my son and walk (with a stump) my son to sleep. I have not been out socialising for 14 months now, I mean I go out but not during his nap time or night time. He doesn't want my husband or anyone else, but me. He is getting heavy now. Also he is a very active boy. He will fight sleep, gets up and climb the bed and all. he doesn't sleep in the pram but every once in a while if the time is right (only happens twice though) in the car seat while I was driving.
He will kick me until I give up and walk him to sleep which to be fair it's getting shorter, like 15 minutes. I know that CIO will NOT work with him neither. He is a very very strong minded boy. We did try it as well even when he was younger. Otherwise he isa VERY happy boy indeed, almost to compensate the fact that he gives us a hard time at bedtime.....
he doesn't like me reading book for him during the bedtime. I think he is clever enough to work it out that I'm tying to put him to sleep beause he loves book at any other time! I sing, which he likes and he always goes to sleep when I sing and walk him. I don't rock him though, just hold him and walk.
I think I'm the only moher in this world who can not manage to teach him to sleep by himself. It feels lonely at times....

 

[FShah]

You are so not alone adahc!

My daughter is 14 half months now & i STILL (though not walk) put her to sleep by putting her on me... for her naptime, i put her on my shoulders walking & she sleeps easily... i was able to put her down to sleep on her own when she was born till abt 8 mths, that's when she started being able to sit up & soon after stand up in her crib.. like your son i do have a strongwilled daughter & CIO just didnt cut out for her.... like you im also feeling hopeless, tho i keep lookng at the bright side that after she's asleep she stays asleep till the next morning hence i do get that night out occasionally...... i would love to also hear of other moms who was able to change this sleeping routine at this age~!

 

[fennho]

Hang in there!!!

Adahc, Fshah

What u'll hear from me is not how i'm able to change this, but rather, i'm also a member of "this club"! But for me, it's nursing. I am STILL nursing my 14mth old gal to sleep (i think all 3 of our kids are around the same age, in Fshah's case, the EXACT same age!). :haha:

For every nap time, and night time sleep, i'll nurse her on our bed, she sleeps and i roll away. For the night time, occasionally, she'll wake up and if my hubby is the one who goes in to try and pacify her back to sleep, she'll scream bloody murder. Cry like i've abandoned her. Like both of u, i can't and won't do CIO. It breaks my heart and i cant stomach her pitiful cries (complete with big droplets of tears). I have to go in (we have a video monitor so we can sit her when she sits up) and nurse her back to sleep. Granted, it's very quick and she'll be back in lala land.

Friends have organised nights out but i have to skip it cos currently, i'm still "indispensable" to my gal. Oh well, i try to think on the bright side that this will not be forever and it's REALLY a matter of time before we're not needed anymore...

My take on this is, since we all have such strong willed babies (which is good cos they really know wat they want eh?), instead of changing them by sleep training, etc, we should change OUR mindset instead. Personally for me, i'm holding on to the advices (both written and from personal acquaintances) from mothers who have been there that they will EVENTUALLY get there (sleeping on their own). We just need to be patient and to trust that this (sleeping on their own) is another developmental milestone that they'll learn to achieve at their own pace. I admit i have the luxury (being a SAHM) to wait (cos i dont need to work the next day :Butbut i dont think i'm any less tired than FTWM) for this to happen. I simply refused to subject her to any form of harsh sleep training to conform to the adult's standard.

FShah, u're lucky ur gal is staying asleep till next morning. Mine still wakes up once/twice a night cos she's teething BIG time now (8 teeth all at one time!). Occasionally she'd "show" me she CAN put herself back to sleep on her own (we cosleep on the same bed) by tossing and turning with eyes wide open, then slowly falling asleep by shaking her head left and right. So i guess, my patience does seem to be paying off (slightly?)...

Hang in there mommies and....sorry for the long post!

 

[fennho]

Oh forgot to add, my gal doesnt nap in strollers as well, so i either have to put her in the Ergo and STILL nurse her to zzz (and bear with my intense backpain) OR i have to plan my outing so she can have at least one nap comfortably at home!

Adahc
Would also like to tell u that PLEASE DO NOT think u're lonely, or cut off from this world, or that your social life has completely disappeared. Before i had my baby, hubby and i both love traveling, going to late night movies, drinks, and personally, i'm very much an impromptu person. So u can imagine how topsy turvy my life is..I was like u too, mourning my lack of social life, in fact, even a bit resentful. U know how a lot of people say having a baby will changed your life? :Butbut i tell myself, my life didnt change! It got more interesting! Becos i am still who i am. My life didnt stop, it just got paused. And when she's older, i WILL resumed my life...:haha:

Hope that cheered u up!

 

[adahc]

Thanks to you both. You made me feel MUCH better now. I co sleep so I guess there are a lot of milestone for my son to reach . God knows how he will learn to put himself to sleep. He is more spoilt than anything but we can't tell him off or reason with him, because he dosn't understand!
But i feel better now though....for now anyway.

 

[joyofliving]

Hi Adach,
Reading your post was like reading my own story. I too rock/ walk my daughter to sleep and even though she is quite heavy I prefer it to nursing her to sleep (I am trying to wean her slowly). Like your son my daughter too has realised that she can have her way with me when it comes to sleeping routine And I have/will never tried CIO.
I co- sleep with her and she still wakes up from 1- 3 times in the night and will only be nursed to sleep. At times when I did try to make her sleep with her daddy she screamed and cried not to find me next to her.
I have never been out on my own since the past 1 year and don't know what its like to go for a night-out anymore. Infact even when me and my husband go out for dinner, we mostly have to get it parcelled (After 15 mins of ordering) and come back home and eat coz my wee one gets very restless in a high chair.
I know this won't last forever, as she is getting more and more independant each day. So I am chershing each day with her even if it means yielding to her innocent demands )

 

[southside852]

oh gosh, i feel for all of you! it's rough and sooo tiring.....

my advice is to start training your babies now to fall asleep on their own. i too was like you in the first 6 months - holding etc..., but soon realized it's just not that healthy and that learning how to put yourself to sleep is a skill that has to be learned and then practiced. we started putting our son to bed after his night time routine wide awake starting at around 7 months (he's now 15 months) and the first week was torture, but they learn how to do it! of course there are hiccups throughout which is totally normal (ie. sick, teething etc...) but when they are healthy, it works like clock work.

CIO and controlled crying doesn't work for everyone, but it can be adjusted to your needs. for us, going in and patting my son on the back while he cried just didn't work for us for as soon as we touched his back, he thought it was playtime and would jump up and down in the crib. we quickly learned that we would just have to peek in his room to make sure he was ok and i think the first couple of nights he cried on and off for about 20 minutes - totally heart breaking, but i know it had to be done.

it's hard, believe me i know! but it's sooo important now to teach him/her the skills of sleep as it will be sooo helpful later down the road and will also help you regain some of your life back and give you the rest you need. these things are so important for the health and care of your baby too! everything relates. if you don't get rest or have date night with your husband where you are relaxed and enjoying eachother, then your mental state will not be the same for your baby the next day.......

for me, a baby's independance and sleeping habits are two different things. the fact that he/she cannot put themselves asleep means they just don't know how to.

i would really give it another try if you've got it in you

 

[joyofliving]

Thanks for you advise but I am very happy and energetic even though I rock my baby to sleep and yield to most of her needs through out the day. I don't feel "I don't have a life" just because I have to take care of my daughter, I love every minute of it. Wonder why some people think rocking their little ones to sleep is such a bad thing afterall. I am in no hurry my babe will learn to sleep on her own eventually, won't torture her and myself by making her cry her eyes out in the middle of the night. My daughter is healthy and happy even though she can't put herself to sleep. And when I said "I know this won't last forever, as she is getting more and more independant each day." I was not correlating it her sleep habits.

oh gosh, i feel for all of you! it's rough and sooo tiring.....

my advice is to start training your babies now to fall asleep on their own. i too was like you in the first 6 months - holding etc..., but soon realized it's just not that healthy and that learning how to put yourself to sleep is a skill that has to be learned and then practiced. we started putting our son to bed after his night time routine wide awake starting at around 7 months (he's now 15 months) and the first week was torture, but they learn how to do it! of course there are hiccups throughout which is totally normal (ie. sick, teething etc...) but when they are healthy, it works like clock work.

CIO and controlled crying doesn't work for everyone, but it can be adjusted to your needs. for us, going in and patting my son on the back while he cried just didn't work for us for as soon as we touched his back, he thought it was playtime and would jump up and down in the crib. we quickly learned that we would just have to peek in his room to make sure he was ok and i think the first couple of nights he cried on and off for about 20 minutes - totally heart breaking, but i know it had to be done.

it's hard, believe me i know! but it's sooo important now to teach him/her the skills of sleep as it will be sooo helpful later down the road and will also help you regain some of your life back and give you the rest you need. these things are so important for the health and care of your baby too! everything relates. if you don't get rest or have date night with your husband where you are relaxed and enjoying eachother, then your mental state will not be the same for your baby the next day.......

for me, a baby's independance and sleeping habits are two different things. the fact that he/she cannot put themselves asleep means they just don't know how to.

i would really give it another try if you've got it in you

 

[sherwes]

Hi Adahc, I think that you need to decide what is making you feel lonely/unhappy with your current situation.

Is it because you feel the weight of other people's expectations - i.e. you feel that others judge you because you still walk your baby to sleep at 14 months. If so, please don't worry. If this is the right thing for you and your baby just keep doing it - don't worry about what anyone else thinks. There are many different ways of mothering and there is nothing harmful about walking your baby to sleep (just as there is nothing harmful about letting them CIO so long as you follow the rules).

However, if you are feeling lonely because you are really fed up with walking your baby to sleep and want to be able to go out for dinner etc, then I would really recommend thinking about giving CIO a go. I know that it's not for everyone but there is a version of CIO called "gradual extinction" or "graduated extinction" (sorry can't remember which but a google search will reveal lots of info) where you slowly train them to sleep. It's not as "harsh" as the more traditional CIO.

Personally, I did CIO with my baby and it worked well. However, I know that it is not for everyone and each person needs to find the best thing for their situation.

 

[sherwes]

The other thing I should have mentioned is that it is possible to hire someone else to sleep train your baby if you don't have the stomach for it. I think Annerley can provide this service. From what I have read the parents are told to go out and the nanny/nurse stays with the baby for a few nights. Personally, I would find this more difficult than doing the sleep training myself but thought I should mention it.