Help - need to replace my two DHS - am I expecting too much?

[southside852]

I don't think there really is a norm for a SAHM, but I would go with what works and feels best for your family. For us, our DH's shedule looks like this:

6:30am: DH starts day, makes breakfast for our son, but I always feed him and sit with him.
6:45 - 8:00am: Cleaning - making beds, cleaning son's room
8:00am - 9:30am: DH is downstairs with the other children/DHs running around and playing
9:30am: Snack
10 - 11am: Mommy time, DH vacuums while we are outside
11am: DH prepare and feeds lunch
12:30pm - 2:30pm: naptime for everyone. If DH is behind in ironing, she does this then
Our afternoons are different - our son might have mandarin class for 2 hours and my DH and I rotate bringing him or a playdate (could be mommy/child or DH/child playdates)
5:30pm: DH prepares dinner, I feed / sit with him
7-8pm: DH takes son downstairs to play
8pm: DH cleans up kitchen and then is off for the night once finished with everything, which is no later than 9pm

Our DH's schedule is typed up and on the fridge as is our son's weekly schedule of classes and scheduled playdates. We've done this since day 1 so there is never any confusion.

Hope this helps!

 

[LeahH]

We get up with both our kids at 7am, make breakfast and feed them and us breakfast. helpers start work at 830am.

We leave at 9.30ish. During the day they take the kids to their respective activities, walk the dog (usually with the younger baby in tow), go to playdates, shop and carry out housekeeping duties and cook dinner for us. They are able to rest a bit when both kids are napping mid afternoon.

We both get home around 6pm. Helpers retire at 7pm ish once they've tidied up a bit. We do bed time routine.

A couple of times a week they will help with bedtime routine if one or other of us is out so their working day is longer.

 

[lisa88]

I think your expectations for a clean flat are reasonable, especially if you have 2 babies crawling/learning to walk. I have a 13-month old and my helper understands perfectly that the flat has to be clean and free of dangerous items that an active toddler may play with.

I would not put up with the passive disobedience that you described (silence, sulking, speaking in Tagalog) when you criticize your helpers' work. It's poor work ethic. It's not acceptable in an office situation and I don't see how it is different in a domestic situation either. I would insist that the helpers speak up if they disagreed with your wishes but not allow the passive disobedience to continue.

Your approach in treating your helpers as adults and assuming that they will do the right thing is admirable, but it is backfiring on you. Your helpers have taken advantage of you and are ganging up against you. As other mums in this thread have said, you need to set the expectations right from day 1, and remind periodically if the standards slip over time. This is no different from any employment situation. I think that if you don't do this, you will likely face the same problems with the next set of helpers that you hire. No employee is indispensible. If your current helpers think that you are asking for too much, they are free to find other employers who are 'easier'.

Good luck!

 

[Shenzhennifer]

Wait wait wait a minute. Did I misread that the OP is a SAHM and has TWO helpers to take care of TWO kids? You gotta be kidding me.
If that is the case, I would say the helpers` insolence might stem from their being a bit contemptual at the arrangement...perhaps.

In fact, I`m just curious why any SAHM would need a FT helper. I mean, what are you doing all day?

Sorry, best I bite my cyber tongue, lest I get a cyber slap

 

[MommyTo3]

For some reason I have a feeling that the truth is somewhere in the middle.

As for the mold, I would buy some decent dehumidifiers to solve that.

 

[HK2008]

The OP didn't say her helpers would go up to the kids in the night time. She said they would retire at 10pm. And judged by the state of the house, they are certainly not doing enough. The hours may seem long but it's the efficiency that matters.
However, it does take a smart manager to get all relationships going. You manage the time, the effort, the expectations, the mood blahblahblah...Then you would also have a reasonable reward system in place to encourage right behaviour.

Good luck with the next pair!

And to shenzhennifer, SAHM need to improve their quality of life by having a help; they can go to gyms for one; or to a romantic dinner with the hubby while leaving their precious in a trusting hand at any time; or do some studies to keep their brain active; let alone saving the hassle of taking care of household chores and spending quality time with the kids...The benefit goes on and on as long as you can develop a good relationship with the helper. Isn't it one of the advantages we can take while being in HK?

And for moms asking helpers to attend to the babies at night? I don't have a problem with them at all. I wouldn't do it myself because I want my kids to see me at night when they need me; however, it's a personal choice which would in no way mark those who don't get up to the kids less caring or irresponsible.

 

[southside852]

@ shenzhennifer, having extra help is a definitely luxury in Asia as we definitely could not afford it the in the US. As a SAHM, my job with my child is 24/7 - no holidays, no sick days and no weekends off. My husband watched my son for a weekend while I traveled with my parents, and he could barely do it.

I am surprised at your comment since you are obviously a mother too. yes, there are some SAHM whose day is very relaxing, but I would think for most, it's very busy. To think we do not do anything during the day, is a rather ignorant comment. I almost think working at a regular paid job is easier than what we do. Our helper allows me to spend more quality time with my son and with my husband throughout the week and weekend. Like HK 2008, the list goes on and on about the benefits of her in our household.

 

[baffelly]

Why would sahm need a FT helper....let's see, so the house can be clean and tidy everyday, so there is fresh fruits and food in the house(not everyone lives close to a supermarket), so everyone can have nice homemade meals that, god forbids, takes more than half hour to make, so when baby throw up all over the floor it can be cleaned up right away, so mom's back don't have to hurt so much picking up baby all the time, so laundry is done promptly and clothes ironed. And of course, SAHM can also take a nap, go to the gym, get a massage, facial or pedicure, go shopping, having lunch with friends without a screaming baby, read a book, or have proper adult time with hubby to keep up the marriage.

It's all about better quality of life. If help is available and affordable, why not take advantage of it?

Some people might need to work their tails off to feel fulfilled and important, while others can choose to get help and have an easier life.

 

[hbw10]

agree with southside and baffelly - a DH is amazing. There is no way we could have the same help in the States so why not take advantage of it here! Our DH helps with all facets of our life here in HK especially keeping the house tidy. Having a DH allows me to play with my son instead of thinking about doing the laundry, she allows me to go mommy/me classes without thinking about going to the market to buy milk and she allows me to have date night with my husband.

 

[Gataloca]

In fact, I`m just curious why any SAHM would need a FT helper. I mean, what are you doing all day?

Sorry, best I bite my cyber tongue, lest I get a cyber slap

In a chinese culture, the SAH "Mom" could spend the day playing Mahjong with her buddies without guilt or worry about their kids left at home. Hubby would not complain either that the home is dirty, or that dinner is not ready.
:haha: