Frustrated.

[geocup]

I have wanted to begin a family for some time now and I have mentioned this before on here I think. Anyway, over the past little while I have been feeling really depressed as I think that my husband will never want to have kids. He never really wants to talk about it. So on the weekend I had enough and told him that I want to start a family soon as I am getting into the 'high risk' age (I am 34 this year). He said - "many women have babies at your age.... 40 is high risk age...." I was flabbergasted. I'm sorry, I just need to vent. I'm really upset.

 

[Gataloca]

Actually I know what you mean. My hubby is the same.

I am currently 23 weeks pregnant, and my hubby is all stressed out because he actually didn't want this. He said I got pregnant without planning it with him. The problem is that he never seemed to be ready. He is kind of immature in this sense, and doesn't know how to handle problems. Actually I was running out of time myself, and didn't want to wait till he feels ready to start a family.

Men just don't know that the older you get, the more difficult it will be to become pregnant. Other than the high risk of having an abnormal baby, it would also be much harder for the women to carry the whole pregnancy.

 

[geocup]

Thanks for your reply! Yes I feel like my husband still thinks that we are 18 years old. He is always worried that something will happen when we have sex. It is so stupid. May I ask how old you are? Sorry to be nosey..... I feel like I might as well close up shop - lol!

 

[geocup]

Hey - also - congratulations! How exciting! Hope all is going well

 

[Gataloca]

Thanks. I am 36, and will be 37 by the time my EDD.

The first time I got pregnant was 3 years ago, when I was 33. It ended in miscarriage. A year later got pregnant again with a partial molar pregnancy. Finally this time seems to be normal (touch wood).

I really think that if you really want to start a family, then you should not delay anymore. Sometime it is not as easy to get pregnant as people think. Sometime there are hidden fertility issues, that would take time to be treated... In my case, I didn't ovulate on my own, so I was under Clomiphene. It took several months before I got the right dosage and could ovulate...

 

[StareBear]

Agree with Gataloca. The advances of IVF have meant that so many people think you can just keep putting off having kids until later in life. But the reality is that as you get old, your eggs get old and the difficulties and risks increase. Not to mention that IVF and other assisted fertility procedures are highly intrusive (and expensive!). Perhaps you could get some materials to help educate your husband on the fact that your fertility is already decreasing etc...My sister is an embryologist in an IVF clinic and as soon as I turned 30 she was on my back to start trying given your fertility rapidly decreases after this age and she sees so many people who have quite simply left it too late.

 

[geocup]

Yes, I really think that the media has a big part in people thinking that women can have babies easily as they progress in age. What we don't tend to hear about are the miscarriages, the fertility treatments, the agony and the expense that celebrities experience.... we just see the end product -when they are fortunate for this to happen.
StareBear - have you had children yet? And if so, how old were you?

 

[NewMommie]

Have you and your husband been in Hong Kong for a long time? From my observations, the expat culture here (for men) encourages the kind of thinking that perhaps your husband is doing. It makes some sense - a lot of the finance type jobs are hours intensive and the culture seems to encourage going out to bars, dating around, etc...suspending your youth, really! If you guys have some friends either here or from back home (assuming you are also an expat) perhaps you can try spending time with the friends who have young kids or preferably newborns to see how your husband reacts? A little peer pressure never hurt anyone!

 

[carang]

really, there are some men that feel they will never be ready. i honestly would question whether you two want the same things from a life together.

i don't mean it in a nasty way, simply that if he REALLY is against having kids and you REALLY want them, then perhaps yours is not a marriage that will survive. either way, one may end up resenting the other.

are you sure it is a case of "not now dear, but sometime" or does he (do you think) REALLY never want them?

 

[geocup]

Yep, I totally agree. I do not have close friends here which makes it difficult. My husband goes out once or twice a week in the evening and does not get home until very late. This really bothers me, but I need to trust him. I sometimes would like to just go out on a Friday night and get home after him and see if he trusts me.....