Domestic Helper Disciplining your children

[banane76]

Thanka,
Is the playroom that you go to have age restrictions? If there are, don't be afraid to kick them out or find a supervisor or something. I'm not afraid to tell kids off especially when they're guardian doesn't care or is not around. It's not right to have a toddler area and kids over 5 have taken over and are being obnoxious! And if their parents have a problem, don't be afraid to talk to them too. It's not fair for a 1 year old to have to compete with 7 year olds being rude and mean.

 

[thanka2]

Thanka,
Is the playroom that you go to have age restrictions? If there are, don't be afraid to kick them out or find a supervisor or something. I'm not afraid to tell kids off especially when they're guardian doesn't care or is not around. It's not right to have a toddler area and kids over 5 have taken over and are being obnoxious! And if their parents have a problem, don't be afraid to talk to them too. It's not fair for a 1 year old to have to compete with 7 year olds being rude and mean.

I don't take my son to playrooms anymore--at the time he was a lot smaller but now that he's older we just play outside in the fields and mountains around our house. I was actually going to the playrooms for playgroups organized by other mothers who lived in those housing estates.

The biggest problem I have nowadays at the outdoor playgrounds in HK is that the older kids run around on them and are dangerous for the littler ones--they will climb on top of the slides and jump down not looking to see if there are younger kids around. Also, there are often teenagers hanging out in the tube slides eating their McDonalds food and doing who knows what else. Makes me really wish that it was possible for us to have our own backyard with a swingset like I had when I was growing up--such a luxury in HK though.

Oh, and I also am really not scared at all to tell anyone who messes with my kid off--or kids who are being reckless and dangerous but sometimes it just becomes like that's the only thing I end up doing when we go to the playground which makes it miserable for me.

 

[nicolejoy]

I do notice that my helper has a completely different "style" of discipline to me. She is more prone to "shriek" a bit at my daughter, and use "negative reinforcement" rather than positive (for example, we are potty training and when my daughter wets her pants, I will say "Oh well, next time we can remember to use the potty ok?" whereas she will say "Oh no - now you won't get any M&Ms this time! You didn't use the potty - no reward for you!!". She will also say things to motivate my daughter to do something, for example if she doesn't want to get dressed, she will say "The ants will bite you unless you put your clothes on!" - I've heard other helpers (not mine) threaten children with things like "I'll call the police because you're being naughty" and personally that crosses a line for me - children should know that (generally) police are people that they can trust if they are ever in trouble rather than people to be afraid of.

My opinion is that if my helper's "style" works and doesn't really offend me, I just let her do it her way. There are times that I have asked her to NOT say or do a particular thing - like I really don't like the "untruths" like the ants will bite you etc... and she will comply... but I have told her that she MUST make my daughter obey her. And my daughter is quite good with her actually (sometimes I think she is better behaved for my helper than she is for me!!)

I do think that helpers NEED to be the authoritative figure, not just a "servant" and the parents are the ones who make sure that they are in that kind of a role. Children are smart and if they know that the helper is not authorised to correct them, they will abuse that and then they might as well not be supervised at all...

 

[Biggie]

I agree some of it is cultural difference. "lies" like ants will bite you is acceptable lies to kids in Asia, just like Santa and tooth fairy. And these lies actually gets practical results! Same thing with police, in many places police are corrupt and bad.
Why is "naughty" a bad word to use?
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[Gataloca]

LOL! The ants "lie" is not a lie after all... If you go out, you are more likely to get bug bites on spots that are not covered by clothes...... and yeah, why is "naughty" a bad word to use????

 

[nicolejoy]

I don't think that ants are going to bite any kid running around in the nude in their own house, and I don't think that there's anything wrong if my daughter wants to take half an hour to get dressed after a bath, provided that she's warm enough and doesn't need to go out. When my helper tells my daughter things that simply are not true, I tell my daughter "No, that's not true - the truth is (xyz)" (for example, I tell her "We don't have any ants in our house. They won't bite you. But Aunty wants you to put your clothes on because she's afraid that you'll get cold.") And at least for my daughter, I find that she responds better to that than to empty threats. (as a completely different side-note, we also don't tell our children that Santa is real etc. They don't get gifts from Santa. But I'm not "anti-Santa", I just feel uncomfortable with pretending that he is a magical person who watches whether they are good or not and brings them presents on Christmas).

I don't think that "naughty" is bad in and of itself but I do think that a) it should be used in moderation, not for every little thing, and b) it should be used to describe actions, not the child themselves. I don't want my daughter to hear all day long "You're a naughty girl" for everything that she does that really is just normal two year old behaviour. I do want her to learn that it's not acceptable to hit or throw or run onto the road and I don't mind it when people say "Throwing toys is a naughty thing to do" for example...

 

[Gracey]

My experience, looking at my extended local family, is that many parents expect way too much of their helpers.
These aren't highly trained, highly-paid professional nannies, with set work hours and a certain degree of respect. Many work crazy hours doing all sorts of housework, as well as child and elderly care, and then sleep in a cot in a spare corner.
They are often publicly berated by the family members, and are given no authority. Kids can sense this pretty quickly.
Because "amahs" are considered "inferior" -- like servants -- they are not allowed to act "superior" to Hong Kong kids. They're in an impossible situation. They can't use discipline, but they are expected to excel at the extremely tough job of parenting.
BTW, I'm not saying ALL HK parents are like this.
It's tough for everyone. God willing, I get through this high-risk pregnancy, I will become a working mom. I will have to leave my child in the hands of a helper sometimes, too. But, hopefully, I will give her the support and training she needs.

 

[twimomako]

dear all, i love reading your comments.

My mom tells a story of me when I was about 5-years-old and we were getting ready to go to church on a Sunday. She sat me down before we left the house and said, "Okay, do you want your spankings now or after church?" I was shocked and said, "But Mommy, I didn't do anything wrong yet!" She said, "I know, but every time we go to church you are really naughty and I always have to spank you so maybe if I spank you before church we won't have to do it at church, right?" I was a pretty well-behaved girl that day she says.

I lost most of my new clothes one time because I refused and refused to put away my laundry. My mom went and took all of my clothes out of the laundry basket and put them in a garbage bag and gave them to all my friends and neighbors so I got the "pleasurable reminder" of my actions every time I saw one of my friends wearing my favorite new t-shirt. I think I was about 8-years-old. And, I can tell you for sure that my mom didn't say everything in a sweet whisper and I definitely earned myself some spankings as well. But, this is just the type of kid I was. It's different for everyone.

@thanka: I love to listen and learn from experiences of others. and I so love how your mom had it and will give a twist and do it to my children. We may have different cultures but children need their own dose of discipline. They need to learn it the hard (but not the mean) way at times.

Here's my 2 cents though:
It's really best to set up cameras in strategic places. But in our house, I didnt have one also, but I told the nanny that I had. A concerned neighbor also looks after the kids once in a while (because both me and my husband were working before) to tell us what's happening. I, especially, am fearful of abuses from nannies, so keep watch on kids' behavioral clues for abuses and I really ask tricky questions so my kids would tell how they had their day.

Regarding DH disciplining the kids, I am from the Philippines, and I know most DHs there came from here. The old folks in the province really like to tell exaggerated stories about ants biting or ghosts upstairs to take them when they're naughty, or a policeman nearby, and so on. Parents in the present age are not like these anymore. But of course, those living in the province might still have this idea. Or merely naming them "naughty" or "you're a bad boy". all because they didnt know! It's sad but true, because, again, they didn't know.

I've had a handful of nannies and on their first day I give them guidelines:
- never call them "naughty" or "bad boy": it's what they've done that's bad not them
- never scare them and tell them that they'll be given to ghosts or policeman for doing bad
- MOST ESPECIALLY, never yell and spank. If they did something wrong, whatever it is, report it to me or my husband. Correct the child at the very moment and if he didn't listen, tell him daddy's gonna learn about this. the nanny's job is to look after them, but the disciplining is the parent's job. even grandparents should not give this, only the parents should.

:cheers: