Divorce and education......

[joyful]

Dear all,

I am a Malaysia Chinese married to an American husband and we lives in the US. My family lives in HK and I can speak fluent Cantonese, Mandarin, English and some other Chinese dialect. I have been planning to divorce my hubby since mid 2011. I have a 5 years old girl (Feb 2007 birthday) and I have plans to bring her back to HK after divorce. So I started to apply for international schools in 2011. My hubby does not want to divorce and objected me to bring my girl out of the US. We have been going through rounds of negotiation and counselling and dont have any agreement. Because of this, I never bring my girl back for any interview....I am losing patience on this whole process (we never go to the court as we agree not to spend money on this and hope to reach an agreement ourselves), so I called the international schools we applied and see if there is still chance for interview. We only applied CIS, CNDIS, Yew Chung, KCIS and Norwegian. What I found out was no hope and no interview for CIS and CNDIS. No reply at all from KCIS. We scheduled an interview with YC in Aug and got accepted by Norwegian after a phone interview. I paid over HK$14K for reserving a seat in Norwegian.

Now my questions are:

1. I like Norwegian as a small christian school and the campus is very much like the schools my girl is going to in the US so there may be less adjustment issue. I also think this may be a good back up in case we dont get anything. Can anyone tell me more information about the level of academic and chinese taught in this school?? Should I NOT expect my girl to be able to communicate in Mandarin on a day to day basis, nor read and write Chinese?? They are using IPC, how does it different from IB??

2. Is it really everyone is going after IB?? How good is the IB system compare with other curriculum?? There are very limited IB schools in the US but the US education is proven to produce many good students

3. We still dont have any agreement on divorce. If I bring my girl back to HK this Aug, at least I know she has a school to go to. If I wait later until we work out something, it may be 6 or 12 months later (we agreed on the deadline for results on counselling). Then our chance of getting a place in international school is close to 0% because no school is going to hold the seat so long??

4. Is it easier to get a place in Int school in P1 than P2?? If we come back next school year, she will be in P2. I am not sure if we even will have a chance of getting anything as normally not many people leave the school after 1 year??? Please advice

5. What if we come back after 6 months around Christmas time? Our chance is close to 0% too??

6. I really wish my girl can learn good Chinese and know Chinese culture and environment and be familiar with the Asia region. If we cant come back this Aug, I may also miss the last 6 months window before she turn 6 for better language learning?? (Many people said kids learn language the best before they turn 6 years old....is this true?? That one year really make so much difference??....

7. I will have much higher chance to bring her back after 6-12 months. So I am really concern about not having any school for her after waiting that long, at the same time,
I will take the risk of taking my girl back to HK without approval from my hubby if I decide to come back this Aug. Although I bet my hubby wont put me to the court but I still have no idea what will happen to us if I do so. Anyone has similar experience??

sorry for this long list of question but I am really very frustrated to get stuck between my divorce and my girl's education....please help!!.....

 

[penguinsix]

Well, first things first. DO NOT LEAVE WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION. This is called 'child abduction' or 'kidnapping' and would result in the Hague Convention on Child Abduction (which Hong Kong has signed) being brought into play. While you may think he wouldn't take you to court, the fact is he doesn't need to go to court. He files a simple form with the State Department and the process begins. In fact, he basically will be prompted to file by his attorney as the convention has a time limit for taking place following an unlawful removal.

Under the Hague Convention, decisions on child custody are made in the country of 'habitual residency' of the child (which sounds like in this case to be the USA, for the time being). He files a motion for the Hague Convention to go into force, it goes to the US State Department which then sends it to the HK authorities, who will take your child into custody and return her to her country of habitual residence. The child will be returned to their country of habitual residency before any decisions are made concerning custody. You will then have a custody dispute in front of a US judge, with you being the person who basically 'kidnapped' her (i.e. will not go well for you).

I know things are probably rough between the two of you, but don't make them any rougher by doing something like this. It will not end well for you or your child.

Now, as for you other questions, let me try to address a few of them. When you are applying to P1, you have a situation where you are applying for say 100 open seats. When you are applying to P2, you have a situation where you are applying for say 10 open seats (i.e. the people who left after P1). As such there is probably a better chance overall for P1 spots. That doesn't mean it is impossible. We skipped applying as a four-year old and applied as a five year old. I think we got accepted to 4 out of 9 schools we applied.

If you are really serious about learning Chinese language skills, have you considered going to some of the local schools? Much easier to get into, and you consider transferring to an international school a few years down the road (when there is less competition for slots).

The other thought I wanted to mention is Mandarin immersion programs in the US? Are you near an area that has a Chinese immersion program? There are many in the Bay Area of California and other big cities, but also some in smaller secondary places like Minneapolis and North Carolina. Might be an option to consider if you don't end up leaving the US right away.

Anyway, this sounds like a really rough situation. While folks on this message board will try to offer you some advice where we can, when it comes to something as complicated and legal as international child custody, I would strongly recommend you consult a professional. Perhaps an attorney with international custody experience or the organization Reunite, a charity that works on child abduction issues.

Reunite International

Good luck.

 

[joyful]

Thanks so much for your reply, penguinsix. I have decided not to take my child away without agreement. There is no Chinese immersion program in our state....I thought about enrolling my girl to international school because I think her personality is not suitable for local school which is very strict and focus on memorization. She may not like the new school environment while has to adjust to the new living environment in HK....

I will seek for attorney advice but we get married in Hong KOng, I just dont know if we should follow HK or US marriage law. Also, whether I should get an attorney in HK or US will be more beneficially to me.....

 

[penguinsix]

Generally you need residency in a location to file for divorce in that location. I don't know what state you are in so I can't really speak to the divorce settlement laws in that state. I also don't know if you'll be able to get a HK court to hear the case with one party having no (or minimal) contact with Hong Kong. I'm also not sure of your citizenship status, which may also come into play.

Your best bet is a divorce attorney with some knowledge of international custody and disputes.

On a more general note regarding expats: don't always think of things as binary--either Hong Kong or the USA. The US is a very, very large place, with cultural and ethnic differences which are incredibly diverse. You might consider moving to another state where you can offer your child the best of both worlds--access to a Mandarin education in an area with a higher Asian population and culture (like San Francisco or Silicon Valley/Cupertino) but still within range of keeping her father involved with her life / easier on you than uprooting everything. Quite frankly, you should be looking at this "Plan B" option as it is entirely possible the US courts will prohibit your daughter from leaving the US.