TheQuasimother
Registered User
I don't think your hubby would be the only one! Mine constantly forgets that we don't have a fulltime helper and still acts like we do! LOL!
Maybe cut back on the helpers for now?
Desperate for advises and comments from other people!
- Thread starter constancefaith
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I don't think your hubby would be the only one! Mine constantly forgets that we don't have a fulltime helper and still acts like we do! LOL!
Maybe cut back on the helpers for now?
carang
Registered User
excuse me... i HAVE read the thread carefully. more than once. it doesn't change the fact that you keep changing "facts" to suit the responses.
as i have said, my brother was in EXACTLY the same position as you are in. he DID go to school. he DID work. he DID have a 3 year old and a wife (stay-at-home-mum) to support. he DID have assistance from my mother. BUT these seem to be two VASTLY different situations. HE was working his butt off to get out of the situation. HE was paying rent. he wasn't sitting around moaning about 4 helpers, a 10000' house, a driver and parents who want to give him everything. he spent 3 years living in my mum's basement with his family. when he finished school and got his first teaching post, they moved IMMEDIATELY into their own house.
on one hand, you complain about lack of independence and your lazy husband. but when someone suggests you change the situation, you get defensive and change "we only pay for our daughter's things" to "we pay for everything. i bought my own house. we will move into it...." do you see where the problem is? if you had been up front from the begining, maybe responses would have been different.... just maybe...
as i have said, my brother was in EXACTLY the same position as you are in. he DID go to school. he DID work. he DID have a 3 year old and a wife (stay-at-home-mum) to support. he DID have assistance from my mother. BUT these seem to be two VASTLY different situations. HE was working his butt off to get out of the situation. HE was paying rent. he wasn't sitting around moaning about 4 helpers, a 10000' house, a driver and parents who want to give him everything. he spent 3 years living in my mum's basement with his family. when he finished school and got his first teaching post, they moved IMMEDIATELY into their own house.
on one hand, you complain about lack of independence and your lazy husband. but when someone suggests you change the situation, you get defensive and change "we only pay for our daughter's things" to "we pay for everything. i bought my own house. we will move into it...." do you see where the problem is? if you had been up front from the begining, maybe responses would have been different.... just maybe...
constancefaith
Registered User
Perhaps it wouldve been. But I'm not changing the facts to suit each person who's replying. I'm simply providing more details to clear of any misunderstanding or misleading.
I'm not doubting your brothers capabilities, in fact its admirable.
I'm sorry if you get the feeling I'm "moaning" or even "showing off" my situation. As I've said earlier, in some people's eyes these are luxuries. For me, its a bad living zone because you begin to dependent on other people.
As I've said, I didn't think it was necessary to bring up the apartment I bought to a question of "whether to stay in HK or go back to Sydney".
We have one here and one in Sydney, to me it doesn't make a difference to stay here or go back.
It was only when people started questioning our lack of independence that I thought would be a good thing to let you know the details.
I'm Sorry if I offended you in any way? I didn't thought it was necessary to bring out all the details for a question to stay or leave.
Anyhow, no disrespect to your family or western cultural. So, I hope we cleared up.
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I'm not doubting your brothers capabilities, in fact its admirable.
I'm sorry if you get the feeling I'm "moaning" or even "showing off" my situation. As I've said earlier, in some people's eyes these are luxuries. For me, its a bad living zone because you begin to dependent on other people.
As I've said, I didn't think it was necessary to bring up the apartment I bought to a question of "whether to stay in HK or go back to Sydney".
We have one here and one in Sydney, to me it doesn't make a difference to stay here or go back.
It was only when people started questioning our lack of independence that I thought would be a good thing to let you know the details.
I'm Sorry if I offended you in any way? I didn't thought it was necessary to bring out all the details for a question to stay or leave.
Anyhow, no disrespect to your family or western cultural. So, I hope we cleared up.
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constancefaith
Registered User
QM, the helpers are there for my mom. Has been there even when this house was vacant, cos they come in everyday.
We'll be moving in a month or so.. Starting from scratch!
I think all husband will eventually, hahaha. Poor women, bear the pain from childbirth, breast feeding, change of body shapes, lack of sleep, and housework.
Cheers to all mummies out there! Stay at home mom AND working mom!
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We'll be moving in a month or so.. Starting from scratch!
I think all husband will eventually, hahaha. Poor women, bear the pain from childbirth, breast feeding, change of body shapes, lack of sleep, and housework.
Cheers to all mummies out there! Stay at home mom AND working mom!
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Just curious, and maybe I'm asking too much information here (and feel free to not respond if I am), but how were you able to afford to buy the apartment yourself if you are so young and you've said that you cannot survive financially without your parents (at least that's what I gather from the previous posts, correct me if I'm wrong)? Again, just curious.
constancefaith
Registered User
I worked as a translator for a firm in Sydney for 4 years. 25aud per hour, 6 days a week, 5hours min. Each day.
I had the down payment, but I wouldn't have granted that mortgage if my mother wasn't my guarantor.
On the side, I was also doing business in Australia for my father as an "international sales manager" I receive 7% commission for every contract I land.
Money wasn't the reason why I lived at parents house.
When I say we won't financially survive is the family expectation standards in hk.
We wouldn't have to care about "the fame" of the kindi we take daughter to in au. If we send daughter to "not so famous" school in hk, friends and relatives of mother will kinda.. Look down on you. And I'm okay with that, its my mom's face.
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I had the down payment, but I wouldn't have granted that mortgage if my mother wasn't my guarantor.
On the side, I was also doing business in Australia for my father as an "international sales manager" I receive 7% commission for every contract I land.
Money wasn't the reason why I lived at parents house.
When I say we won't financially survive is the family expectation standards in hk.
We wouldn't have to care about "the fame" of the kindi we take daughter to in au. If we send daughter to "not so famous" school in hk, friends and relatives of mother will kinda.. Look down on you. And I'm okay with that, its my mom's face.
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constancefaith
Registered User
Its JUST my mom's face I hold onto****
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TheQuasimother
Registered User
ConstanceFaith, I had an ex-colleague just like you. Originally from HK but moved to Europe when she was 7. She returned when she had a daughter with a man who was an absent father. Just thought that I'd tell you what she did to counter the parental economic influence:
(1) Instead of living with her parents, she rented her own apartment where she returned home to after work each day.
(2) To save her mother's face, she kept her son at a prestigious brand name school but the fees were foot by her parents. And when the parents nitpicked, she "told them off" by mentioning that she was quite happy to have her son in a no brand school down the road.
(3) She did not have a helper. She worked full time, really long hours (at the school I work at). When she's at work, the child is at school (full day - 3 years old then) and grandparents/helper (her mum's) would pick the child up after work.
Was she happy? Mostly? What caused her unhappiness, the times when her mum and dad would pick on her and this made her feel like a loser. But she hung on until she had enough to head back to Europe. During this time, her son carried on in the brand name school and it him no disservice. So, you too could work around it with your current lifestyle in HK.
(1) Own apartment - your costs
(2) School - Let them pay for it (to save face - very important value a lot of Westerners cannot understand). As a product of Asian parents, I truly get that.
(3) Maybe just a helper (which you pay for or not) to get your child in and out of school while the two of you sped up your efforts to that ultimate goal.
I think as children of Asian parents, the save face factor does interfere with our daily lives and our Western dream/desires/ways. Since having children, I am more aware of how important a role grandparents play in the lives of our children. Apart from us (their parents), they are the only other pair of hands that truly spoil and love our kids (and with a lot more patience). It is their role. In fact, it is their right as Asian parents, some would argue. It is quite the norm. So save them a little face. Let them spoil your kids (as far as their education is concerned) while you wait it out.
Good Luck!
(1) Instead of living with her parents, she rented her own apartment where she returned home to after work each day.
(2) To save her mother's face, she kept her son at a prestigious brand name school but the fees were foot by her parents. And when the parents nitpicked, she "told them off" by mentioning that she was quite happy to have her son in a no brand school down the road.
(3) She did not have a helper. She worked full time, really long hours (at the school I work at). When she's at work, the child is at school (full day - 3 years old then) and grandparents/helper (her mum's) would pick the child up after work.
Was she happy? Mostly? What caused her unhappiness, the times when her mum and dad would pick on her and this made her feel like a loser. But she hung on until she had enough to head back to Europe. During this time, her son carried on in the brand name school and it him no disservice. So, you too could work around it with your current lifestyle in HK.
(1) Own apartment - your costs
(2) School - Let them pay for it (to save face - very important value a lot of Westerners cannot understand). As a product of Asian parents, I truly get that.
(3) Maybe just a helper (which you pay for or not) to get your child in and out of school while the two of you sped up your efforts to that ultimate goal.
I think as children of Asian parents, the save face factor does interfere with our daily lives and our Western dream/desires/ways. Since having children, I am more aware of how important a role grandparents play in the lives of our children. Apart from us (their parents), they are the only other pair of hands that truly spoil and love our kids (and with a lot more patience). It is their role. In fact, it is their right as Asian parents, some would argue. It is quite the norm. So save them a little face. Let them spoil your kids (as far as their education is concerned) while you wait it out.
Good Luck!
constancefaith
Registered User
Also, carang. If I was the man, the husband, then what you said in the previous post would make sense.
But I'm not, am I?
My husband is going to uni and work but he is definitely not working his arse off because he has already been dismissed by my mother's contractor and now working for another. And for me, our situation is worse because this is my parents!
I seldom even ask for the helpers, husband sits on couch and asks for a coke from the fridge which is only a few steps away.
Also, asks helper to change daughter diaper.
I won't leave out asking the driver to driver ALL THE WAY from NT to north point for school because his lack of time management.
I don't understand why it seems like you're mad at me?
Husband wanted me to be a SAHM which I've already told him that we can't afford. But my mom decided to "hire" me to do her accounts (as I've said earlier), data entry, paper works etc. So I had the opportunity to take care of her exclusively.
Shouldn't I be the one who's angry because my husband is lousy at being the provider?
I wasn't and didn't intend to "complain" and "moan" about anything.
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But I'm not, am I?
My husband is going to uni and work but he is definitely not working his arse off because he has already been dismissed by my mother's contractor and now working for another. And for me, our situation is worse because this is my parents!
I seldom even ask for the helpers, husband sits on couch and asks for a coke from the fridge which is only a few steps away.
Also, asks helper to change daughter diaper.
I won't leave out asking the driver to driver ALL THE WAY from NT to north point for school because his lack of time management.
I don't understand why it seems like you're mad at me?
Husband wanted me to be a SAHM which I've already told him that we can't afford. But my mom decided to "hire" me to do her accounts (as I've said earlier), data entry, paper works etc. So I had the opportunity to take care of her exclusively.
Shouldn't I be the one who's angry because my husband is lousy at being the provider?
I wasn't and didn't intend to "complain" and "moan" about anything.
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constancefaith
Registered User
Thank you QM, its good to know that I'm not the only one acting/thinking like that (caring about parents' face).
It really conflicts with my lifestyle because I was raised in sydney. All the fame/face/connections, I really don't get.
I will figure something out with school fees.. I won't be able to pull out from that "brand" school now but ill try my best to not have them paying for her education. Just not their responsibility. I feel.
But thank you. For understanding and I really feel empathized!!
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It really conflicts with my lifestyle because I was raised in sydney. All the fame/face/connections, I really don't get.
I will figure something out with school fees.. I won't be able to pull out from that "brand" school now but ill try my best to not have them paying for her education. Just not their responsibility. I feel.
But thank you. For understanding and I really feel empathized!!
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