baby boy at 14 months start addict to helper

[hkaussie]

It is true, you can't have it all.

But if you do have to work, then I think a nanny/helper is a wonderful arrangement, and you should look at the positives. Your child is getting one-on-one care from someone they absolutely love! They are not in a group of 20 children with a few teachers at childcare every day, they are being nurtured and cared for by someone that truly loves them back, as most of these helpers do.

Remember, you would be quite upset if your child wasn't attached to their helper, and was miserable with her throughout the day. In these very early years, children need to be attached to one person primarily and it will be the one who spends most of the time with them.

If you have made the choice to go back to work, then you just need to accept that while your child is very little, he will probably prefer the helper for day to day comfort.

It will be very different as he grows older, as long as you are a loving, hands on, highly involved Mummy, don't worry.

 

[Su Mei]

hi,

I couldn't agree more with HappyV's comments - the problem in Asia (with the ability to hire affordable full time domestic help and have parents and in-laws drop their own lives to become surrogate parents) is that our generation believe we can have it all - good income stream from both parents working, beautiful house and beautiful bonded family......funny thing is that I have yet to see an example of 2 career parents with well adjusted, secure and happy children and and a happy marriages......you can't have your cake and eat it too!!!!!
While I do understand a proportion of working mothers work becos they financially cannot afford not to (ie the family would starve) but there are a whole host of women who work for semi-selfish reasons (this is not an attack on the modern women, men can easily give up their careers to be home makers too) eg. to afford 3 investment properties in different countries etc. Our children don't need more toys/better schools/fancy holidays etc, they need either their mum or dad at home with them full time (I have heard so many rationalising of "quality time" with children - children don't have this adult concept of "quality time", they need you there when they are happy AND when they are sad/lonely/scared) imparting their values on their children. Alot of mothers think it's an ok situation given helper is supervised by 2 sets of grandparents and possibly even a 2nd helper but for a little person growing up, this is just more confusing, a russian roulette of helping hands not knowing who they are going to get within a day and parents wonder why their LOs are confused/unsettled/displaying "different" behaviour? Children don't need a whole host of attendees, they need their main caregiver to provide security, a sense of belonging, stability....for those that are having issues with your helper being too attached to your LO, at least they are developing an attachment to someone. There is a whole host of emotional and psychological developmental problems that come with babies/toddlers who do not "attach" - I am no children development expert but do google "Attachment Disorders in children" for a insightful read.

 

[Matty]

I have to disagree with sumei's comment that there isn't such a thing as happy, secure, well adjusted children who come from 2 career familes.
While I myself am in the fortunate postion of being able to choose to be a fulltime mum, for others that in not a choice they can make for economic reasons.
Making people feel that they are harming their children by going to work isn't very fair.

I worked as a Nanny in HK for 6 years, and saw great examples of loving families, who through either choice or nescessity both parents worked fulltime.
The addition of caring helpers and nannies, only meant that the children had additional people who loved them.
Be happy if you find a helper or nanny that your child will take comfort from.
When children are young, they need to attach to a primary caregiver, so if during this time that happens to be a nanny or helper, it's not actually the child that is suffering it's the mummy!
The child can still be happy and secure, as long as he is cared for and loved.
As children get older, relationships broaden and eventually they understand who is who, and generally they understand that no-one can take the place of mummy and daddy.

The happiest family I've ever known, had two fulltime working parents.
They just set things up as best as they could to make sure there was balance.
One or both of them was always home for stories and bedtime.
Weekends were about the family, they would spend the time together doing activites they could all enjoy such as camping, hiking, going to the beach etc.

I'm sure a lot of us grew up in 2 income households, where we didn't have the advantage of one to one care, and instead were in daycare.
I was, and i like to think that I'm not too maladjusted!

 

[joannek]

i totally agree with Matty. while there are parents who leave EVRYTHING to the helper/nanny & then complain that the child is too attached to the helper, and there are also a lot who make an effort to spend quality time with their children after work, eg being home every day for baby's bath & bedtime, spending fun times together on weekends, changing nappies, cuddling.

it is quite unfair to working mothers to say that their children will not be happy if they work. i was lucky enuf to have a nanny who loved my child (i later let her go because of her character issues). despite whatever wrong the nanny did that eventually i let her go, i could tell she loved my child very much & i thank her for every bit of love she's given us.

 

[Tong.kate]

Child attachment to helper

Great to hear so many sharing on it. In fact, my baby boy is back to normal now. He did not attached to helper too much la. In fact, I do spend time with my baby both after work and weekend, we care him very much, but not in physical level. We leave the diaper changing work, feeding, bathing... to helpers. As day time work is exhasted. Still I spend time to plan activities and play with him.
It is true that full time mom will be better to baby, but I stay in workforce, to be working mom, due to:
1) part of financial reason and emotional support my husband.
2) I prefer to have some personal progression, to stay close with the society, I think this will keep me more alert on what's happening in the world of earns a living. I even be more positive, and take more initiative to improve myself, like time management, attend some seminar from musimum (aiming to develop myself with appreciation of art, music)... to aim for setting a good example and grow with my boy. That's true as my colleague also notice of my change.
3) I am not very confident if I can stay strong if I quit my normal life, but pure work on baby issue. I do worry if too much attention and focus may hurt my baby. I guess this is my personal problem.

So, in fact, I am looking for a half day job, so that I can further have more time with my family issue. Again, I fully appreciate those who contribute herself as full time mommy, and understand those who remain in working force. I always dreaming of 'half day work".......

 

[jane01]

Wow, some quite harsh answers here !

Also some good advice. Particularly that when you're home, you are the parent.

After each of my girls was born, I took a year (yes 12 months!) off work and only returned part time (3 days a week), which I still work. The helper only works when I'm home to catch up on the cleaning and ironing. This is usually just half a day (so in total she works about 3.5 days a week). Both girls only want MUMMY when I'm home.

However, over Easter I went to Australia for 5 days for my brother's wedding with the eldest (4) and left the baby (1) at home with my husband and helper. The baby had a cold and I didn't want to take her all the way and back in five days when she was at a difficult age for travel and sick. When I returned, I noticed that she was starting to prefer the helper. I was devastated. A few weeks down the track, we seem to be ok.

With work, I'm absolutely torn. My 4 year old gives me a lot of grief about it ("stay home mummy", etc). I want to set the example of a good work ethic. I want them to understand that both men and women work. Selfishly, I put a lot of effort into my experience and qualifications and want to continue using them. My father passed away when I was 8 and my youngest brother was only 2. My mum had no choice about working.

I am very lucky to be in Hong Kong and to be able to hire a helper who is close to the girls. I'd hate to be back in Australia sending them to daycare.

Working parents are not just selfish money grabbers. There are as many reasons for working as there are parents in the workforce.

Wherever possible, I think it is important to set a good balance between work and home. Working part time and sticking to my hours has been the best for us. I think if more people in HK pushed for it, it would become more common and acceptable.

 

[Su Mei]

Gosh, some very emotional responses too! I am very sorry if I have offended any working mothers here, that was not the intention - there is no right or wrong way of bringing up your child (or choosing whatever method to do so), what works for some people doesn't work for others and by no means was I saying that one is only a "good" parent/mother if they are a full time mother, , just to clarify :

1. I was trying to make the point that there are consequences to whatever choice we make for our family and we should accept it's a "packaged" deal and be realistic about it - so for a working mum with a helper looking after the child, the parent should accept the fact that the child is going to grow attached to the main caregiver ie the helper...(you know, for those working mums who think we stay at home mums have it easy, we have to deal with issues like a big decrease in the family's income stream, mental and emotional stress placed on the sole breadwinner, having little or no personal "down" time etc)

2. I wasn't being sexist in anyway implying that it should be the woman who stays at home, it could be the father - it's my personal view that my children be brought up by one of their parents and in my situation given my husband's higher income, it made sense for me to give up my career

3. I di not say that working parents/mothers have unhappy children - I said I personally through my own experience and social network have not seen 2 career driven parents with happy, settled kids and a great marriage and frankly I haven't (great news if you guys have....I guess it does show that you can have it all!)

And personally, I don't think being a stay at home mum has "limited" my personal development in anyway or "wasted" my education or experience!

 

[geiboyi]

I have to say that if someone leaves all the 'work' to their helper, such as nappy changing, feeding, bathing, then it's not really surprising that the baby is more attached to the helper, as it is in fact her who is taking care of the vast majority of his needs. Imagine, from an adult's point of view - one person keeps you clean, well fed and comfortable, and the other just pops by to play with you, after their work, if they're not too tired. Who would you value more?

I work full-time, through financial necessity, not choice, and yet when I am at home I do this 'work' with my children, as I have little enough time to spend with them. It's not 'work' anyway, it's called having children. And I am 100% confident that given a choice between spending time with me or our helper that my children will take me every time.

Great to hear so many sharing on it. In fact, my baby boy is back to normal now. He did not attached to helper too much la. In fact, I do spend time with my baby both after work and weekend, we care him very much, but not in physical level. We leave the diaper changing work, feeding, bathing... to helpers. As day time work is exhasted. Still I spend time to plan activities and play with him.

 

[nikimom]

that cant solve the problem either

my baby has also been very attached to the domestic helper, i was sad but i realized that it implied she's taking good care of my baby. So i started to give my girl the 9 am feeding b4 i go off to work and come home earlier. i stay home now half a week to take care of my baby adn go out with her. i do everything by myself when i'm home and i give her hte last feeding n put her to sleep everynite.
the problem is she now got attached to both my maid and me, she's even more attached to me as she knows i'll go off for out sometimes. whenever she sees me,i have to carry her that minute or she will bring up this whole series of tantrum.

i really dont know what to do...and its really hard for the daddy and the grandparents who couldnt approach the sweetie once teh helper or i'm there.
any suggestions?

:thanks

 

[ELT]

My baby had been very attached to the DH until recently. Hubby and I took baby to Manila last month. We didn't bring the DH along so we took care of the baby for 4 days with minimal help. Since we returned home, baby started showing stronger affection and need for mummy and daddy! So looking forward to our next vacation!