Am I too demanding??

[lesliefu]

i think you have to prioritze what is important for you and or your family. having 2 helpers to manage household, cook & kids is doable, but only have 1 helper to do the same things is crazy. one thing i would ask you ask you to think about is that when you return home, that you take over completely and let the helper have some "down time" - it must be exhausting taking care of twins, especially when they are so young and need so much attention (when they get older, this will become MUCH easier for everyone).

in terms of cooking - perhaps you could have her make some stews that you could freeze and store and also a big pot of soup (both could last for at least a few days)

yes, you would not be eating fresh food all the time, but least it would only involve re-heating and perhaps stir frying some veggies, re-heating some soup and cooking rice...not too difficult. somethings got to give...

 

[TheQuasimother]

Twinsmom

I sent my child to a playgroup early because I'd rather have my child engaged in activities that doesn't require the helper. As a working mum, I feel less guilty with this arrangement than with the alternative of leaving a child with a helper. A helper is not going to do the same job I am or a nursery teacher would.

 

[TwinsMom]

lesliefu - yes, of course they are sharing the job, i am not asking my 2nd helper to do everything, both of them sharing the job but just wondering why only my 2nd helper will fall asleep all the times.

I tried my best to back home as soon as I can, normally around 7pm or 7:30pm, and then I will take care of the twins on my own. I don't need them to prepare dinner for me AT ALL as I seldom eat dinner (just drink soup only), also by the time that i returned home, they both had dinner already.

During the weekend, i used to order take away coz I want to save their time & energy (as I said my no.2 helper takes too long in the kitchen and then my no.1 helper mainly take care of the twins), i don't mind they don't clean up the house everyday bcoz the babies are the 1st priority. Also, both of them don't need to go to the market bcoz my grandparents will take care of that every morning. Was that a really tough job?

TheQuasimother - yes, totally agreed, my girls are going to playgroup 3 times a week right now but I can only spend Sat with them (I am a working mom), however, when i was there, they cannot concentrate on the program bcoz both of them are fighting to have my company..., therefore the teacher recommended me to wait at outside and then let the helper to bring them in...
I am so glad that my babies like to stick with me rather than the helpers given I can only spend my evening time plus weekends with them, I love them more than anyone in this world, however, give up my job is an luxury, I have no choice but need to find a good helper to take care of them in the meantime.

 

[carang]

twinsmom,

you came on here asking if people thought you were too demanding. you have had many responses that believe, yes, you are expecting too much from your helper.

every post you make has "more story" to it... it might be better for us if you gave us an idea of how your helpers spend their time... each separately, then try to come up with what you think is an acceptable schedule if you only have ONE helper.

my suggestion would be: take a week off work, send your helpers home for a holiday and see if YOU can follow the schedule you have outlined and how YOU feel at the end of the week. that is the ONLY way you can decide if what you are asking is too much and if you need one or two helpers.

 

[ssheng]

I think your question of whether you are too demanding or not may actually not be the best question to ask - the real question is whether your helper is a good fit for you. I think she probably isn't, and if that is because she is overtired, that might be fair, but as you noted, your other helper has a lot more stamina so you know there are helpers out there who can do the job you require.

For example, my helper has a TON of energy, and as I was reading Cara's post above, I thought, nope, I could never do her job and not be exhausted! But I think of it this way, I have held jobs before where I had a boss who required a lot from me. And if I wasn't able to perform up to their expectations, it wasn't a good fit. Sometimes I might have thought a boss had very 'high' and maybe even unreasonable expectations, but I also learned that if I couldn't do my job, there was always someone else out there who was able to. So, I guess my point is that if you feel like your helper cannot perform to your expectations, you can probably find another helper who will. But, as many people commented in this post, you might not find that there are a lot of people with that kind of energy!

And, no, I don't personally think she should have been sleeping in your bed, holding the baby on her chest while sleeping (how dangerous! I hope the bed wasn't high up) or taking so long to cook something simple. I think it does sound like she is exhausted though, and probably took so long to cook her meal because she wanted some down time and cooking her meal was the only time she could get it. Also, she is probably not super happy with her job and therefore is more picky about food.

Do you want to develop a better relationship with this helper or just try to find one with more energy/experience? That depends on if you think these issues are resolvable. But one suggestion I have is to try to sleep train your twins. At 1.5 years old, they can probably sleep through the night from a physiological standpoint, and that might help both you and your helper to have the energy to get through the day. Good luck!

 

[carang]

i'm sorry, but as far as i'm concerned, if you want your helper to take exceptional care of your children, then she MUST have her rest and NOT be constantly working.

one thing that i HAVE noticed about our own helper is that it DOES take her longer to do things than it would me...i figure it's because she thinks that if she finishes earlier you will think she doesn't have enough to do and give her more...whereas i know when I finish the work, i can relax...

something to think about.

 

[carang]

the other thing to consider is that if the helper is too tired, she is likely to get sick more often which will mean that you will be taking more time off work.

 

[ausnyc]

Off topic - where are these full day pre-nursery places? I have been looking for them for some time with little luck. Please advise!

 

[TwinsMom]

Thanks Ssheng! You are telling exactly what I am thinking right now!! (Thanks God finally someone can understand...)

In fact, the relationship between me and my helpers are good, she loves my girls, 3 of us always chit-chat and share the happiness about the babies, I will celebrate their birthdays, take them both to all kind of family celebration, buy gifts for their kids in special occassion....etc. I can say that they treat my girls like their own daughter.

So, here the point is, given my no.2 helper had been doing those inappropriate things out of my sight, I am worrying:

(1) Is she smart enough to take care of 2 babies after the babies go to school from 9-5 on weekdays? (she is definitely not a sensitive and smart person...)
(2) Her english is so poor, she cannot write proper english (and i don't know tagalog), if i ask her to go market in the future, can she really capable of managing the household expense?
(3) Communication - as i said, i can only understand 20% of her english or 30% of cantonese, i need to keep asking and confirm her answer few times to make sure that i get her words right... (in the meantime, my no.1 helper will translate - as they both speak tagalog).
(4) She slept on my bed once (told by my no.1 helper), so if no one at home after the babies are in school, what will she do in the house?

If you were me, will you find another helper or just simply keep her? She already told me that she wants to renew her contract.

 

[Gataloca]

If I were you, I would just find another helper. Regardless of if you are asking too much, or if she is an overtired worker, obviously you are not match for each other.

Just look for another one. You may get a chance to find a person that suit your needs, and your 2nd helper may be able to find work with someone less demanding that would also suit her better.