I need a rant & advice
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My daughter is also in K1 and staring the hwk thing. She is way proud of it...always feeling special she has homework and not her youger sister. Think the approach is to make it fun, "us" timeline some were saying....find the right time to get it down, when your kid is in the mood, in the right frame of mind so that there will be no resistance. For us, the time is either after breakfast, before the bus in the mornings or after her snack in the afternoons. Normally of there is no hwk. To do, I do try to make it a habit of doing some quiet work with my kids at this time (afternoon)... I do this with both the one in K1 as well as the one in PN (2yrs old). Helps to develop a sitting down work time.
No, you are not too loose with your child. He's 3, for God's sake.
Yes, your husband is over the top.
And, no -- he should not have whispered something vaguely threatening like that while you were calming a hysterical child.
Frankly, I think it was rather childish of your husband. It sounds like he's the one who can't control his emotions.
When the child is not there, have a sit-down with your husband and determine which one of you will be the authority on these things, so the child is clear.
My husband also loses his temper with our daughter, and she's only one. He doesn't mean it maliciously, he's just a hot-tempered guy without much experience with kids. Sometimes he's just expressing frustration in general -- "Oh no! There's water all over the bathroom floor! Stop splashing!" Or "God! It's 3 am! Damn! I'm exhausted!" He doesn't even mean it at her personally -- but she's a baby and doesn't know that distinction. She hears a raised male voice, and she gets scared.
Later, when the baby was asleep and we were both calm, I gave him positive advice on how he could act better around the child. If he's going to lose his temper, I tell him to just remove himself to another room for a bit. I put this in a nice way -- how he can better improve his relationship with his daughter. I also tell him yelling is useless.
Yelling won't make our daughter go back to sleep, and it will not make your son do his homework better.
Yes, your husband is over the top.
And, no -- he should not have whispered something vaguely threatening like that while you were calming a hysterical child.
Frankly, I think it was rather childish of your husband. It sounds like he's the one who can't control his emotions.
When the child is not there, have a sit-down with your husband and determine which one of you will be the authority on these things, so the child is clear.
My husband also loses his temper with our daughter, and she's only one. He doesn't mean it maliciously, he's just a hot-tempered guy without much experience with kids. Sometimes he's just expressing frustration in general -- "Oh no! There's water all over the bathroom floor! Stop splashing!" Or "God! It's 3 am! Damn! I'm exhausted!" He doesn't even mean it at her personally -- but she's a baby and doesn't know that distinction. She hears a raised male voice, and she gets scared.
Later, when the baby was asleep and we were both calm, I gave him positive advice on how he could act better around the child. If he's going to lose his temper, I tell him to just remove himself to another room for a bit. I put this in a nice way -- how he can better improve his relationship with his daughter. I also tell him yelling is useless.
Yelling won't make our daughter go back to sleep, and it will not make your son do his homework better.
carang
Registered User
Gracey, i think we all agree that hubby was a little OTT... but his intentions were good. They need to come to some sort of compromise, out of the earshot of the kids. Perhaps a local school is not the right fit for the family? International schools are not nearly as rigid with the homework as the local schools are, partly because it takes a long time to become literate in Chinese.
actually just to say, there are alternatives and alternative schools to what you describe above, but they do cost money
I agree that "It has to be a dictatorship, not a democracy when it comes to these things (doing homework)."
Don't ever get me wrong, when I wrote my first message here I never meant I DON't want my child to do any homework. Just the opposite - I want him to have homework every day. Before he starts kindergarten I gave him 'homework' on daily basis (colouring, connecting dots, drawing lines, etc.) and I always manage to make it a 'fun' thing for him so most of times he enjoys doing these with me. Whenever he shows reluctance to do any more I just say, "ok, that's it. Let's do it again later/tomorrow." Then we move on to something else. So no, I don't complain about child having to do homework, not at all.
What I was trying to say in the message is whether we should 'push' a 3-year-old that hard to do his colouring page when he is not really in the mood. Some of you must say, 'well, doing homework is not about if you are in the mood. You gotta do it." Yes, I know and I agree. But my point is: whether we should be so harsh to a 3-year-old. If he is already in K3, having spent 2 years kindergarten, I wouldn't expect he is allowed to say no to his homework. I think, one of the issue my husband has is lacking flexibility (not only on this particular issue but in general matters).
So, the problem is finally sorted. When I came home this evening, the first thing I did was to take that colouring sheet out and told him it's time for homework. Then I sat down with him and did it together with him. As usual, I made it fun and made laugh. He enjoyed it. Then I took out another sheet of homework (drawings) given to him today and got it done as well. What if he was not in the mood for homework, I would put it aside and tell him, "ok, let's something else / let's get a sweet, then we come back again..." He has to say YES before I move on to another thing. Then I will try to lure him back to do his homework. This is how I would handle the homework thing with a 3-year-old. Yet for my husband, homework is homework, you gotta do it. It's completely wrong if a child refuses to do his homework. Very straight-minded, not flexible. I think, my approach with a 3-year-old is correct. I am not saying I will continue to be so 'soft' with my child forever, it is just a starting stage. When I help him develop a habit of sitting down for an hour to do his homework, I expect he will do them without much struggle and I expect it will happen, say, half a year later or when he starts on K2.
As for the issue with my husband, disagreement is sorted out as well. We went home together and we had a brief chat on the bus. I told him I shouldn't have intervened when he was having words with his son, but I explained to him why I couldn't stand what he did. Then he said, he wants to deliver a message to our son that doing his homework is a serious issue. Then I said his intention is good but his approach is not acceptable on a 3-year-old who has just trying to adjust to his school life! No further discussion after that. Basically, we have previously agreed that I am in charge of the kids' homework, but now and again I understand he wants to get involved.
Don't ever get me wrong, when I wrote my first message here I never meant I DON't want my child to do any homework. Just the opposite - I want him to have homework every day. Before he starts kindergarten I gave him 'homework' on daily basis (colouring, connecting dots, drawing lines, etc.) and I always manage to make it a 'fun' thing for him so most of times he enjoys doing these with me. Whenever he shows reluctance to do any more I just say, "ok, that's it. Let's do it again later/tomorrow." Then we move on to something else. So no, I don't complain about child having to do homework, not at all.
What I was trying to say in the message is whether we should 'push' a 3-year-old that hard to do his colouring page when he is not really in the mood. Some of you must say, 'well, doing homework is not about if you are in the mood. You gotta do it." Yes, I know and I agree. But my point is: whether we should be so harsh to a 3-year-old. If he is already in K3, having spent 2 years kindergarten, I wouldn't expect he is allowed to say no to his homework. I think, one of the issue my husband has is lacking flexibility (not only on this particular issue but in general matters).
So, the problem is finally sorted. When I came home this evening, the first thing I did was to take that colouring sheet out and told him it's time for homework. Then I sat down with him and did it together with him. As usual, I made it fun and made laugh. He enjoyed it. Then I took out another sheet of homework (drawings) given to him today and got it done as well. What if he was not in the mood for homework, I would put it aside and tell him, "ok, let's something else / let's get a sweet, then we come back again..." He has to say YES before I move on to another thing. Then I will try to lure him back to do his homework. This is how I would handle the homework thing with a 3-year-old. Yet for my husband, homework is homework, you gotta do it. It's completely wrong if a child refuses to do his homework. Very straight-minded, not flexible. I think, my approach with a 3-year-old is correct. I am not saying I will continue to be so 'soft' with my child forever, it is just a starting stage. When I help him develop a habit of sitting down for an hour to do his homework, I expect he will do them without much struggle and I expect it will happen, say, half a year later or when he starts on K2.
As for the issue with my husband, disagreement is sorted out as well. We went home together and we had a brief chat on the bus. I told him I shouldn't have intervened when he was having words with his son, but I explained to him why I couldn't stand what he did. Then he said, he wants to deliver a message to our son that doing his homework is a serious issue. Then I said his intention is good but his approach is not acceptable on a 3-year-old who has just trying to adjust to his school life! No further discussion after that. Basically, we have previously agreed that I am in charge of the kids' homework, but now and again I understand he wants to get involved.
Yes, what I meant by writing that "it's too late" is that if you're choosing to be in the HK public school system you can't start the school and then say, "Wait, but I just want him to 'be a kid' and be carefree and have no responsibilities." Because, once you start you accept the unwritten rule that he is considered a student and will be expected to perform like a student does in HK. So, my thoughts are that if a parent really is uncomfortable with their child having these types of expectations put upon them (and the family--because we all know how much work it takes as a parent to oversee the process) then it might be possible that kindergarten this early isn't the right option for the family. Or as carang suggested, international school may be a better choice. Of course, there are difficulties that arise with any choice made--some schools cost more money and are harder to get into; starting primary school without kindergarten in HK can be more challenging for students; going to kindergarten at 3-years-old requires children to "grow up" faster in a way--nothing is truly a perfect solution.
carang
Registered User
personally, i think it is better to start they way you mean to go on. it will be much more difficult later to become more strict with homework if the child has been allowed to say, "no" to it in the past.
there are no right and wrong answers here.... you do what you think is best for your family. i am very glad we were strict with our kids about doing homework. it makes it easier as they get older. they know the rules (homework isn't optional) and they know what happens if they don't do it. this doesn't happen overnight. it is always a learning curve, for both parent and child. and of course, there are days that i hear, 'but i don't want to do homework!'..... my answer is always... "that's ok.... i don't WANT to cook dinner! let's not have dinner tonight, ok?"
there are no right and wrong answers here.... you do what you think is best for your family. i am very glad we were strict with our kids about doing homework. it makes it easier as they get older. they know the rules (homework isn't optional) and they know what happens if they don't do it. this doesn't happen overnight. it is always a learning curve, for both parent and child. and of course, there are days that i hear, 'but i don't want to do homework!'..... my answer is always... "that's ok.... i don't WANT to cook dinner! let's not have dinner tonight, ok?"
But it seems to me what you are saying is, "I want my child to do homework but on our time and schedule." It's different when you're assigning him homework on your own--you can complete it on your own time table but when it comes to being part of the bigger class and part of an institution you've given up your right to make that schedule. And, like I said, if you really feel it's too overwhelming for your child you can always work with the school to work out a schedule (i.e. send a not saying you need more time). But, you're not on your "own time" anymore--you're actually on the school's time. It's different now.
I think it depends on what your opinion of "harsh" is. I personally don't feel it's harsh to make my children do things that they don't want to do in their everyday life. I've always taken this approach so even at 3-years-old my son knew that if mama says it needs to be done, it needs to be done. I don't think this is "forcing" or "pushing" him at all. But, again, approach is the key. It's most important how things are done, in my opinion.
Your concept seems to be that you're going to "gradually ease" him into doing homework so by the time he's in K2 or K3 he will do it without question. But, if you start the habit of letting him sometimes refuse to do it then I don't see how you're going to establish this sort of schedule for him. From the very beginning--day 1 of K1 my son was expected to always do his homework and not put up a fit. We worked with him to create a fun learning environment and we never gave him the option of "well, we'll do it tomorrow/later when you're in a better mood." Then again, we did choose times of the day which would easier for him to do it--such as after he's rested from a nap and had his lunch in the afternoon. So, it's not as if we "eased him" into doing homework--it was just always required and in my opinion, totally wasn't "harsh" at all to require him to do it--even on days when he was less-than-enthusiastic. That's where skills as a parent come into play--knowing how to motivate and work with your own child to help them.
It seems you have a manageable way to work with your son. I would be careful, though about giving him too much say in whether or not the homework gets done at the time you've designed for it. While it might not be a problem right now I can easily see your son growing to take advantage of the fact that, "If I'm not in the mood, mommy will let me have candy and play as long as I want until I'm in the mood again." So, what's the easiest way to avoid doing what you don't want to do? Just not be in the mood! I think it's a fine line and things that start off being really great "motivators" end up coming back to bite us later.
In that case, maybe you're the one to handle the homework. Between my husband and I for the past two years I've done most of my son's homework with him--sometimes sitting for 1-2 hours to complete everything and help him practice extra things. My husband doesn't have the same sort of patience. But, this year my son's Chinese homework has increased drastically and my husband helps him with that. My husband finds that he gets stressed working with my son and he is aware of this himself so he has taken to putting on some relaxing music softly in the background that helps him (my husband) stay calm while helping my son and it has made a HUGE difference. It's all a journey of learning how to look in the mirror and see ourselves honestly for who we are as parents and then make steps to improve.
I think it's really important to not develop an "You're wrong and I'm right" approach when it comes to these things. I think it takes being humble and honest and discussing. For example, when my husband and I sit down and talk he will honestly say, "Working with our son on this particular homework really stresses me out and I know that I don't do the best job at helping him--maybe you can help him with that and I'll help him with this other thing." So, in that way we can work together to get the homework done. It's kind of a fine art, actually of negotiating who will do what--not everyone is strong in the same areas.
See, the words I found a bit concerning in what you wrote above were "couldn't stand what he did" and "approach is not acceptable...!" You've kind of set yourself up as jury and judge at this point. If I were him, I would either give you the cold shoulder (i.e. "no further discussion") after that or really become defensive. Yes, you don't like how he did it but I promise you that this issues is going to resurface again and again unless you can really respect his point of view and come to a functional compromise. I hope he also will respect your view.
Very good reply, thanka2. Thanks.
You gave me some new perspective in handling my son's issues (not just homework, but in general issues) and the way to communicate with my husband. Very helpful advice indeed.
Putting aside the homework issue, I admit that I am in general rather loose with my child. I let him make too many decisions to a point now I find sometimes he has too much power. I realiased it and I am going to turn the table. I am reading a book called "Have a new kid by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Leman. I found the approaches suggested by Dr. Leman are in general good.
You gave me some new perspective in handling my son's issues (not just homework, but in general issues) and the way to communicate with my husband. Very helpful advice indeed.
Putting aside the homework issue, I admit that I am in general rather loose with my child. I let him make too many decisions to a point now I find sometimes he has too much power. I realiased it and I am going to turn the table. I am reading a book called "Have a new kid by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Leman. I found the approaches suggested by Dr. Leman are in general good.