My baby can only nap in my arms

[Gataloca]

At some point, I did do some training (before I went back to work) following the pick up/put down method so he could sleep by himself at night (or at least, stay in his cot without crying)... But I don't know if the training really worked... probably did, or probably he just got into the idea of staying in bed after his night feed.

I am also a working mom. I do have a live-in helper, but I never ask her to do night shift. My husband doesn't do naps or night wakings either. I probably preferred to do it myself as feel my boy is much closer to me.

For night waking, I didn't find it too hard cause I have never been a great sleeper myself, so I am use to getting up several times at night. And as we are co sleeping, it is easy for me to pick up my baby, put him on my breasts for his midnight feed, and then back to sleep on his cot. As he got older, it got easier as well, as he would eat faster and go back to sleep faster as well.

 

[evgreen]

My husband doesn't do naps or night wakings either. I have live-in help and prefer not to let her work night shifts as I want her to be alert and rested for the day. Like Gataloca, I prefer to do the night wakings because I like feeling close to baby. My husband works 12-hour days, so he needs his rest!

 

[carang]

I can understand a SAHM taking care of naps & night wakings, but if both parents work outside, it just seems unfair for the dad to opt out in such a way.

Like i said, i wouldnt tolerate it
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[Gemma]

I know it's ironic, but sometimes it's just easier to do it yourself. Although I work part time so it's not too bad.

Mums have the instinct as to what the problem is, what the cries are like, what works for soothing. I'm not saying dads do not do a good job, but sometimes they don't quite have the "it" factor, and more often than not, I will lie awake wondering why it's taking him so long to settle, why she screaming her head off etc. Then I think I might as well do it myself. My hubby does stay up to do the dream feed though, and he pretty much is totally hands on with our other toddler when he's home.

 

[carang]

sorry, my phone cut me off mid-posting....

i was not/am not being judgemental. i just find it astounding that men today can still get away with not helping out with the baby.

my husband's best friend, a local (like my hubby), was completely stand-offish towards his first born. he didn't do anything to help. my husband got really upset with his friend for this attitude and told him there was more to being a father than ejaculation! lol!

every day i thank my lucky stars to have such a supportive husband. because i know that if he weren't the way he is, he would no longer be my husband....

 

[MommyTo3]

I understand your feelings and questions carang. I feel the same way. My husband is very supportive, even though he works long hours (he's away from home for at least 13 hours and that was the same when our children were born; they're all in Primary now). We always took turns, also with our oldest, and later with twins, we had no choice. We didn't live in a country with full time live in helpers, etc. Care was very expensive, and even though we did spend money on it (well spent), there were plenty of nights we had to do it ourselves. Even though at that time I didn't work. I had 3 kids under the age of 3 to take care off curing a cold harsh winter (a real winter, not a Hong Kong winter)

I agree everybody does things differently, but honestly, with 3 kids by myself (my husband doesn't come home until 8/8.30 pm) I had to put them to bed. I didn't have time to rock children to sleep, to lay down with them for 30 minutes. I fed them, bathed them, read them a story, gave them a bottle, and in bed they went. And they did learn to fall asleep by themselves within days. They went (and go) to bed early, slept through the night from a very young age, basically every single night (and still do) and they go to bed when it's time to go to bed, which is early by HK standards. I wouldn't do it any other way, I couldn't back then, and I don't want it differently now. And I would still advice others to give it a try, because it will make a difference. Learning to fall and stay asleep is learned behavior. And one of the greatest gift you can give your child is sleep. Well rested children are soooooo much easier.

 

[charade]

Learning to fall and stay asleep is learned behavior. And one of the greatest gift you can give your child is sleep. Well rested children are soooooo much easier.

Hmmm. So are you saying that half the world (or more) who do not follow the method you did and do have the time or sufficient help to rock their children to sleep are depriving their children of some great gift or that their children are bad sleepers/do not get enough rest?

I fully agree that is many countries where there is no help, parents have no choice. I also agree that even in places where there is help parents might still want to try sleep training because it suits them and the child takes to it fairly easily. I do not agree that not trying and following through with this method is depriving your child developmentally of something which the above statements seem to suggest.

 

[charade]

sorry, my phone cut me off mid-posting....

i just find it astounding that men today can still get away with not helping out with the baby.

Cara, I agree that there are many men who still see the baby as the wife's responsibility, and brook no discussion on the issue. But in some cases, it is a negotiated one. Like one parent might have longer working hours and the other parent feels he/she can cope with the night shifts. If the mum is breastfeeding then she has to wake up anyway, which is one of the things that makes breastfeeding so hard, you can't share those night shifts. One parent might be the type that needs more sleep - that's me...my husband can routinely wake up at 5 am or even 4.30 and not be exhausted; I need 10 hours. It also depends on the balance of work in the house. I do a little more baby stuff than my husband because he does way more other stuff (cooking, chores etc.) around the house than I do.

My husband did a huge amount of work with my first baby; I would not have it any other way because frankly I am physically incapable of shouldering so much work. For my second baby, my husband is a bit more hands off. His opinion is that we have hired a second helper to help out with the slog stuff and he wants to only do the fun stuff with our girl. It annoyed me I could see that in terms of division of work, he wasn't being unfair. That said, even his hands off version, seems more hands on than some of the dads in my family. My brothers-in-law (one an American, one Indian) are so much less involved in the hard work part and I would find that intolerable. But my sister and sister-in-law say that although they would like their husbands to step up, it isn't a dealbreaker in their marriages... they have physically more stamina than me though, which is maybe why they can take this position.

What I'm trying to say is that what seems to be a cliched paradigm might actually be a thought-out one that works fairly (or balances out somewhat) for both parents.