Will we ever leave Hong Kong?

[erina320]

No one can tell you wether you should get divorced or not. That is a decision you have to make for yourself. Things to consider however, is his drinking more important than his family and does it threaten their safety, as with the cosleeping episode it sounds like it might.

I don't take divorce lightly either, coming from a broken home myself, but you have to ask yourself is seeing their father "pass out" drunk healthy or what you want for your children?

I would suggest you talk to your husband sincerely about your concerns and ask him if seeing their Dad stinking drunk is the memories he wants for his children as well. Maybe he needs a wake up call in regards to the impression he is leaving for his children.

 

[thanka2]

Of course my situation and yours are drastically different. But, there was a point in my husband's and my relationship where I did leave and go back to the States and considered never coming back. I took our 8-month-old and went for a "break"--lived with my mom and sister. I think it was good for my husband to come to his senses as he said he missed us all terribly while we were gone and didn't feel like life was worth much without us. I say, talk to him--but that's assuming you haven't already--I'm thinking that you probably have done a fair amount of telling him how you feel and he simply is not getting it or doesn't care to get it. In that case, pack your bags and take off for awhile--it will be refreshing for you to be back in the States with family and friends and will give your children a fun break and it will give him time to reconsider his priorities. Be prepared, however, that he may simply just make the decision that you and the family aren't worth him changing his life for--that is extremely sad but it does happen. I have a friend who has a kindergartner and a toddler and it got to the point where she asked her husband to choose whether he wanted his family or he wanted World of Warcraft (the video game) and he chose the latter. Some men are dumb that way. I sure hope your husband isn't.

 

[erina320]

she asked her husband to choose whether he wanted his family or he wanted World of Warcraft (the video game) and he chose the latter.

Wow!! That's sad.

 

[evgreen]

sorry to hear about your situation. my husband and i talk about moving to the states eventually. as much as i'd like to (i'm local chinese and my husband is an american expat), i currently have too many responsibilities in HK to even think about going anywhere other than here. it seems disheartening that your husband isn't even able to keep an open mind about future options. sounds like there might even be some other underlying issues about his feelings of moving back other than financial??

thanka's idea sounds terrific though. a much needed break with close family and friends (with the kids!) back home sounds like the correct remedy.

 

[thanka2]

Wow!! That's sad.

I know. Hate to say it but some men are total idiots. But, it's not any different, in my opinion, to choose work or money over family. It's one thing to work because you need the money but some men (and women) are addicted to their work and climbing the ladder. Anyway...

 

[howardcoombs]

Hate to say it but some men are total idiots. But, it's not any different, in my opinion, to choose work or money over family. It's one thing to work because you need the money but some men (and women) are addicted to their work and climbing the ladder. Anyway...

Yup, many men (and many women too) are idiots, but lets not expand the scope and make this guy into a monster he is not.

To be fair, he is not a cheater, works hard to provide for us, is generally a good dad to our toddler and very hands on about playing with her. It is really just the drinking and this issue of going back to the US that are causing my heartache.

This guy in question likes his drink with the boys and doesnt want to leave Hong Kong. This is not a crime nor is it IMO reason for a split. There may be other things not yet said, but based on what we know, this guy is not a bad guy.

It doesn't help that he is in finance and would have no job back home, whereas his career is soaring out here, and that with all the damage from the economic crisis, violent gun deaths and other 'problems' with the US he always has something to argue, logically, against going home.

Why would anyone want to leave a successful career here to face a no-job situation in a place that is far more dangerous than here. For me and my family, logic trumps heart.

 

[2010-NewDad]

Today, I found this old thread I started back in 2009. As an update, I just had my second child here in HK. And this morning, had a 'fight' with my husband about going back to the US. This stemmed from his stumbling home drunk last night after being compelled to go grab drinks with a boss, as is somehow the only thing people in finance think to do as male bonding, and being that he is exhausted from our newborn and his really brilliant decision not to eat and just drink instead, passing out without showering in our bed and then pulling the comforter over our newborn's head - we are cosleeping. I thankfully heard her muffled cries and saved her. When I yelled at him because of what he had done, he basically almost rolled on top of her. The next morning he had to be told about what he did, as he apparently had blacked it out.

I can't give you any advice about your marriage. However, all of the information I have read on co-sleeping expressly recommend against

1. co-sleeping with a baby under 3 months old
2. co-sleeping after drinking alcohol

If I have some drinks after work I'll sleep in the spare room rather than risk any accidents with our (occasionally) co-sleeping daughter. I would think this is a fairly easy change to make/enforce - but doesn't address the underlying issue if you feel he is drinking too much.

 

[banane76]

Thanka--wow, really, some guy chose a video game over his family? That is REALLY sad. I hope that NewMommie's husband comes to his senses soon because it really sounds like you're unhappy. It doesn't sound fair. Hopefully you can have a real talk and come to some kind of compromise. HK has a big drinking culture and it takes very strong people to avoid that world. Too much temptation. Yes, there are cheaters all over the place, but HK is set up for it for sure. No last calls!

 

[thanka2]

Yup, many men (and many women too) are idiots, but lets not expand the scope and make this guy into a monster he is not.

You didn't read where that quote came from. I was speaking of my friend's husband who left the family so he could play video games. That was idiotic.

This guy in question likes his drink with the boys and doesnt want to leave Hong Kong. This is not a crime nor is it IMO reason for a split. There may be other things not yet said, but based on what we know, this guy is not a bad guy.

Hmmmm....no, it's not a crime, but his priorities are probably not in the right place. When you get married and become a father--especially when you become a father--your priorities need to change if you still want to remain married and be part of your kids' lives. No one said he was a "bad guy"--there are a lot of "good guys" who just have their priorities mixed up. And there are even "good guys" who just have their priorities mixed up for a time in their lives and then straighten themselves out.

Why would anyone want to leave a successful career here to face a no-job situation in a place that is far more dangerous than here. For me and my family, logic trumps heart.

Because that person makes his wife and children's happiness priority #1, that's why. Just because this family goes back to the States does not automatically mean they are going to live in a dangerous place or face a no-job situation. There are a lot of factors that come into play. This guy doesn't seem to care about any of that--he just likes this ladder climbing expedition he's on (hence he goes to drink with the boss to kiss a** and try to get brownie points--that game).

 

[thanka2]

Thanka--wow, really, some guy chose a video game over his family? That is REALLY sad.

Yes, he did. And left his wife and kids in a world of hurt. She is doing better now and has moved on. He didn't deserve them anyway. But the truth is, he was addicted to that game. And in the same way, some men are addicted to their jobs for whatever reasons. There is a parallel.