Hopeless, still holding my son to sleep at 14 months

[Koan]

My son is nearly 14mnths old, I nurse him to sleep most of the time. Sometimes now he doesn't fall asleep nursing, but will roll over when finished, and then I hug him until he is asleep.

fenho said it best IMO. They will eventually learn to fall asleep on their own.

To be totally honest I actually enjoy it. He's only little for such a short time, it's nice to be the one to settle him down and put him to bed. Yeah I have no social life after 6pm, but for me it's a minor price to pay.

 

[adahc]

I am happy being with my son but I think that it is not healthy for him to be dependant for other people (in my case only me) in order to go to sleep. To me, and me only, that's not fair for him. I want to learning to teach him a loving and the gentle way possible how to put himself to sleep and that doesn't mean mummy doesn't love him at all.
My back is gettig bad now and that surely indicate that its not good balance

When I'm tired, I do feel alone, yes I do. So I reach out and ask for advise. And yes I feel that other mummies (in the playgroup anyway) seem to have no problem putting their kids to sleep anywhere. So I feel like I'm the odd one out.
It's so nice to know I'm not alone!

Thanks everyone

 

[sherwes]

Adahc, you really sound like such a gentle, loving and caring mum. Please don't think that anyone was suggesting that you are not happy being with your son. I love my son so much, more than I ever thought I could love anything or anyone and I love being with him but I also need my sleep and to go out for dinner sometimes. I don't feel that I am a bad mum for doing that and, if that's what you want, you shouldn't feel bad either. If you don't want to do that (like Geomum) then that is all good too. Everyone is different and the main thing is that you are doing what you feel is the best thing both for your baby and yourself.

 

[lylee]

hi, we also had lots of problem putting my daughter to sleep. she's now 6 mos old & we started sleep training her back in jan when she was 3 mos old. the reason why we decided to sleep train is because the first 3 mos was really difficult & tiring having to rock/carry/sing her to sleep. she would cry/scream/arch her back etc. & it took us sometimes over an hour to settle her. like you adac, my back was killing & i had to go to the physio. we tried cio once (for an hour) & swear will never do it again because my baby startled the whole night. then some of friends introduced us to the book "healthy sleep habits happy child" by marc weissbluth as it worked with their babies. we tried it out... it worked for 2 wks & then came chinese new year & my baby's schedule was all out of whack again. it took us another 1 mos to train, but still we had some difficult nights. was about to give up during that month. then my baby learnt how to roll onto her tummy & would play rather than sleep in her crib. tks to some advice from other mom's in this forum (ie. don't flip her onto her back & just let her be, take away the night light etc.) my baby is sleeping better now. it still takes her about 15-30mins to put herself to sleep, but at least it's much better than before. we just put her into her crib & then close the door. sometimes she'd cry, we'd go in to pat her or hold her a little. once she's settled, we leave her alone again. right now, she's having 3 naps during the day (ranging from 45mins-2hrs) & sleeps from ~8pm-7am.

it's hard work! at times, i also felt a bit unharppy because my friend's babies all seem to sleep well, while my baby is so difficult. our schedule basically revolved around her's. also got a lot of pressures from in-law's about this structured schedule,early bedtime etc. etc. but i just tuned it out.

after sleep training, my husband & i could sneak out for dinner once we put her in. i could also run errands during her nap times. we are definitely happier.

this is just my experience. remember, after having a baby, there will be lots of advice/comments from others around you... just do what you think is best for your baby & your family. good luck!

 

[AndreaY]

I am sorry, but not all children will eventually learn to sleep by themselves (well, depends on when you mean by "eventually"). I know of friends' kids who still get up and go to their bed in the middle of the night and they are over 4 years old. Obviously if their mommies and daddies do not have a problem with that, it's fine. If you do, it will be easier to start sleep training when they cannot get out of bed by themselves. As for CIO for strong willed babies, my 2nd is one and even though she screams harder, she also learned much quicker.

 

[fennho]

Andrea
We are talking about going to sleep by themselves, not sleeping thru the night, it IS VERY normal for a 4yr old kid to wakeup in the middle of the night to look for parents. 4yr is still very young!

 

[pooch]

i personally know of a 7yr old girl who still needs her mum to lie with her and hold her to get to sleep - so i agree with AndreaY - I'm not sure all kids do learn to go to sleep themselves if they are not encouraged to!

 

[AussieMum]

Hi Ladies, I am a little lucky where my daughter has been a good sleeper, however we did end up in a 5 night Sleep School in Australia when she was 7 months (for other minor issues) and I witnessed many parents with children upto 12 months of age trying to battle putting their child to sleep without using a settling technique. It is hard, and my heart sank sitting with the parents going through this, you really need to be ready for it and have the energy to persist. Basically though, I tend to agree with some of Southside852 comments that CIO can be adjusted to suit your needs. It doesn't necessarily mean you just leave them to cry non stop. You can use various techniques to suit your needs.
If you are looking for a resolution, I would recommend two avenues -
1) One book which I found a lot of strength through in training my daughter to sleep was 'save our sleep' by Tizzie Hall. This also addressed settling techniques. Although I purchased this in Australia, she does have a website which might help (you might also be able to order her book via this):
http://www.saveoursleep.com.au/
2) Annerley do have a sleep clinic which you may benefit from. I have not personally attended but have heard good reports about them.
http://www.annerley.com.hk/
Good luck, I know it can be extremely hard and have it's challenges.

 

[AndreaY]

Think the post was whether children can learn to fall asleep by themselves, this includes going to bed as well as waking up during light sleep in the middle of the night and not knowing how to fall back to sleep by themselves. I was not talking about having a nightmare, waking up looking for mommy and daddy, but children waking up at either of light sleep or out of habit and not knowing how to go back to sleep by themselves.

FennHo, I know you have posted many times that you cannot bear to have your child CIO. My post was not a criticism for those not letting children CIO or sleep train them in other ways. On the same token, I try not to see what you have said about CIO meaning mommies who have done so are heartless cos they can bear to hear their children cry.

I was merely pointing that that not all children iron out their sleep problems by themselves and if one does see it as a problem, it would be better to do something about it earlier rather than later.

If giving 100% of your time to your baby makes you happy, then fantastic. But for a selfish mother like me, who would like to either have a little time to herself or to spend an evening with her husband, it's very important to manage one's child's sleep habits.

 

[fennho]

AndreaY
What's with the SUPER defensive mode, negative note AND SARCASM? I was merely cheering adahc on and giving encouraging comments. U popped by to say u know of a 4yr old who still goes to parent's bed in the middle of the nite. There wasnt any full story, so i reckon this 4yr old MIGHT be going to parents bed for comfort.

And since WHEN have i mentioned that CIO mommies are heartless?????? I dont think i have EVER insinuated that, unless YOU are too sensitive and read too much into it? Becos u said u TRY not to see what i have said as a sign of that!

Is it wrong of me to say i'm not into CIO??? Does that offend u so much that u need to TRACK my postings, so much so, u can tell i have posted MANY times that i cannot bear to do CIO? Goodness Andrea.

And please, it's really not necessary for u to be sarcastic and say u're a selfish mother who wants a little time to herself or to spend an evening with your husband. ALL mommies love their babies. BUT every baby is different! Didnt i say that i too felt resentful at one point but becos my baby was a colicky, refluxy, high need baby, i just took the advice of some well meaning mommies to change my mindset! So, i'm also MERELY passing on the advices, gosh, i didnt know i'd get flamed for that!